Holding on to the old habbits

The time goes by and like a little kid, not willing to give up its favourite toy, I refuse to give up my food abuse.

Evening after evening I hit the sweet cupboard again and again.

I know to make a long term change, I'll have to change my eating habits for good, but somehow the thought scares the life out of me. For some weird reason, sitting there, putting more and more high fat and sugar stuff in my mouth, gives me a sense of freedom. It's like a little kid, who knows it's doing something naughty. It's surprising that I don't sit there sniggering. Maybe because I don't find it the least bit funny.

For a weird reason it started to become really bad, when I decided to lose this extra little bit. Before that I managed to maintain my weight in the upper region of healthy and as soon as I slipped into overweight I pulled myself together for a bit and was back to a 24 BMI.

But the last few months my addiction to sugary foods have become worse and worse. The only reason that I´m not heavily overweight is that I've been exercising loads. This fell away with my injury. I could not train at all for 2 weeks and before that it was only light versions. Now I got another 5 days to go that I'm only allowed to do gentle exercise and then I should be able to start getting my old form back.

But that still leaves me with sorting this addiction out. And there's no doubt about it, that it is an addiction. When I was younger and didn't have any kids, I was partying a lot which involved drugs and alcohol, but to no point would I have had allowed either to become an addiction. Maybe I didn't need to, because I already had mine.

The good thing with this addiction is, that cutting lose from it, doesn't mean that I will have to stay away from it forever, but it's still not easy.

For some reason I still can't see myself as someone, who really just has a the odd piece of chocolate or cake every here and then. Every single cell in my body doesn't want to let go. But why? My body doesn't need chocolate or cake. In fact my body functions much better, if I feed it healthily.

So I have to start with starting to believe that I can be that person, who doesn't let some stupid chocolate bar make her choices. I have to stop rebelling taking control.

I joined WW online again today. I never tried it this way and for now I think this online tracking takes so much longer than just writing it down, but hopefully it will get a bit faster with time.

I was pleasantly surprised, when the tracker showed that I´m allowed 29 points a day. I thought that they maybe changed something, but unfortunately I only put myself down as male. Doh!!

I want to make a change! I want to control my food intake instead of letting it control me!

It's just chocolate for goodness sake!

XX

Welcome to the world of injuries

Sorry for making myself so rare. I just wanted to spare you the constant: I'm back on track.... Oh no I'm not....This time for real.....F*'*'* up again!....

The last two month have been pretty frustrating.I still got the bursitis (finally went to the doctor and saw the triage). I tried to get it away with ice and low intensity excercise. I even had a full week of no training at all (we went to Wales). But then I did too much too early again and the pain was back. I'm booked in for a steroid injection on Thursday. I'm very, very scared. My GP told me, they would put me out for it, but at the triage they said they wouldn´t. A big, fat needle deep into the hip........

But I really hope that that will do the trick. But even with that I still have to be patient. My trainer told me, it could still take weeks or even months, before I will be able to perform fully again.

I know lot of people have a problem understanding my frustration. For lots of them excercise is anything but fun, but for me that is the only thing I do purely for myself. The rest of the time, I´m mainly mom, housewife (not a very good one), or doing my 4 jobs (I took on another translation job).

I love the feeling of satisfaction after a good workout and I miss that. At the moment they are doing the FitBrit in the gym. You have to do a string of workouts (rowing, shoulderpresses, squads with weights, 3km on the bike, jumping on steps, chestpresses, treadmill...) against the time. My trainer thinks I could compete against the best in my age group (he even thinks I could be the best). Although I'm not a very competetive person, I'd like to find out, if that is true. But heaven knows, when I will be in that position again.

It was my trainer who said: "Welcome to the world of injuries. How do you think how I felt, when I was competing for the country, and then had to stop?" He just started his sprinting again, after years.... But it did help a little bit.

No need to say, what all the frustration and and the drop from 5-6 days of excercise to 2-3 days excercise light did to my weight. I'm 11 pounds heavier from my lightest (which has been a while ago to be fair) and 5% in bodyfat up. A stepped off the scales very unhappy as you can imagine.

Sorry for being such a pathetic cow. Hope I'll light up again soon.

The early morning picture!

Here it is. That´s me in all my morning glory. What can I say? Hm, sorry??

For everyone who hasn´t closed the the frame straight away, I can tell that I´ve tracked for 4 full days and haven´t gone over my allowance once! And I feel really good for it. For how things have been going recently, this by itself is a mega achievement, because it shows that there´s still something left in me, and that I´m not ready to give up.

I have to realize that this is for life and not just to lose a few pounds. I want to live healthily and not constantly shock my body with stupid amounts of sugar. One of the main changes I made in this week was leaving the alcohol (well, I had 2 Malibu´s and diet cokes with the football/soccer yesterday...COME ON GERMANY!...sorry, had to say that), but leaving the wine, which crept in almost daily recently. Not in large amounts, but still absolutely unnecessary. And I cut down on the treats. I still have my WW ice-cream every night, though.

So I hope with this determination and with all the excercise, that the few pounds (and it´s really only a few) will go rather quickly. I know, that it´s very likely that it won´t go that smoothly, but I don´t want to think like that, because I easily get into this negative mindframe and I want to believe in myself for a change!

So, Here´s to positive thinking!

XX

Fresh spirits

So I´m back on track. On the weekend I got out my old journals from when I first joined WW in 2005 and it really gave me a boost. I want to finish this, I WON´T GIVE UP! The thought of saying "I´m happy now" is just a foul compromise.

And if I´m really going for becoming a personal trainer, I want to live it. I couldn´t be a convincing advisor, if I didn´t do the best myself. I´m still not absolutely sure, if I´ll really go for it, but it´s still on my mind.

My next step would be to speak to the boss of the fitness centre, if I could train as a fitness instructor there, but at the moment I just don´t have the confidence for it quite yet. The thought of rejection is too daunting. I always struggled with low self esteem. In my head I´m not fit enough, still too big and of course too old. Although the age thing is not even the worst, because there´s nothing I can do about that.

I know you shouldn´t think "Once I´m thinner I´ll do this or the other", but in this case the body image is a very big factor, so I´ll have to lose a bit more, just to better my chances.

So give me a few weeks of sticking to the regime and I´ll make my move....

I already got a hurdle in my way, with two kiddies birtdays on the weekend. On the first there will be a buffet with lots of unhealthy nibbles, and the other will be a BBQ with alcohol. I will try to book a few points, eat before the first to absolutely ignore the buffet, because if I start I won´t stop. For the BBQ I promised to prepare some Feta cheese, so I can control the points for that and stick with the chicken. Being a kid´s birthday the alcohol flow won´t be that bad anyway. And of course exercise, exercise, exercise. I´ll try body combat tonight, although I know it might be a bad idea. Just walking into town was annoyingly achy. But I won´t do the jumps and try to be extra light on my feet, when it comes to the shuffles.

I´m just sick and tired of doing the same stuff over and over again, but giving it a complete break is simply out of question.

I feel more detemined that I have in a long time. And that is a d*** good feeling.
Long may it continue.

Oh, and I still haven´t published my early morning picture. It´s coming. Promised!!!


XX

Still kicking

I´ve been absent for a bit. Reason for that for once were my visitors from Germany. I told you, that I was a bit worried about it, but my friend and I had a fantastic time! Unfortunately, the fella she brought over was a complete honk, and we had to get rid of him for the last three nights :-)

Then I was without a husband for three days, because he was driving his brother and two mates, who were doing the 3-Peak-Walk (walking up the three highest mountains in Scotland, England and Wales in 24 hours). They did it in 22.5 hours. Well done guys!!!!

No need to say that in the week, when my friends were here, there was no control of food intake whatsoever. Nor of the alcohol intake. I basically was hungover for a complete week. I still did my workouts, though.

And it hurts me to say that it didn´t get much better, after they left. But I am determined that that has to change from right now!!!!

You know that I was struggling with the decision, wether to go on or not, and I decided I WILL! By the way, have you seen the pictures of Bitch Cakes in her bikini? OMG! I want a belly like that! I wouldn´t mind a waist like that either, but I´m just not built like that.

So, I´ll get my tracker out and go back to healthy eating.

I couldn´t do any running or jumping (I´m sick of the cross-trainer, bike, rowing machine etc. I love running!) for good six weeks, because I still got a problem with my hip. No need to say that my trainer still found lots of hurtful stuff for me to do! Thursday I finally went to the doctor and had it X-rayed. Once the results are there, I´ll see the physios and an orthopedic. I´m happy about that, because my left leg´s constantly giving me problems. It´s time to sort it out, because my friends and I are thinking of running a few more races. We got the 5k in July (which I will run, even if I have to hobble all the way). Then we´re thinking about running a 10k in September and train up for a half marathon next year. My doctor doesn´t have any concerns about that, as soon as my hip´s sorted out.

I will now cook my lovely husband a breakfast (being Father´s Day) and then hit the gym before we take the kids out in this lovely weather. And I will track!!! I´m not sure, if I´ll make it to WI today, but I´ll try. Not excited to see the number, but I think it has to be done.

If I make it, I might even stay to have a one-to-one chat with the leader, in hope she can help me getting my head in the right frame of mind!

Great being back!

Have a lovely Sunday everyone!

XX

One step forward. Three and a half steps back

Or in other words: Sunday´s WI +3.5.

I had to go. I hoped for something that would give me a way out of my dilemma. Am I happy with my weight, or do I want to go down the way to perfection. Well, at least I can say, I wasn´t happy with the +3.5.

So I had an attempt on tracking yesterday. Actually I did track yesterday, but that doesn´t mean, that I stayed within my allowance. But it´s still some kind of improvement.

There was a new leader at the meeting, and I think I´ll prefer her. I even almost stayed for a one to one, but for whatever reason I didn´t. I regret it a bit today, because I need some guidance. I´m so confused and undecided at the moment. For once I always change my daily allowance, because I´m so unsure, what is right for me. My trainer told me, that WW might not be good for me, because with all my training, it could be that I don´t eat enough (had to fight back some hysterical laughter at that point). I´m sure he meant, if you´re living it, like you should.

I won´t be able to make it to the meeting on Sunday, because we´ll go down to London with our visitors from Germany. The first overnight trip without the kids ever (well since they were born obviously)!!!!! Yippie! I can´t wait for just being husband and wife for a short while.

Anyway, but I´ll go the week after and ask her for a chat. For once I´d like to know, what point allowance she thinks is right for me. Also I think I´m looking for some kind of absolution, if I decide that I´m happy with the way I am (just assuming the pounds gained will disappear again). Or even better, she can help me making it over the finish line.

There is no denying that all this training already shaped my body for the better and will do so even more in the future. Is there the need to lose more? Same with my state of fitness. It already is pretty good, so no need to lose more pounds because of that.

But I just can´t help myself. Deep down I know, I´m just making excuses, not to follow it through to the end. James said I could have a washboard belly. Is there the need to have one? Of course not. Hardly anybody will have a look at it anyway. But would it be a fantastic feeling? Most definitely!

But all this looking your best aside, most of all I want a healthy relationship to food! I know that I eat, because I try to release some tension. That shows very clearly, when I really start to binge eat on the days I don´t excercise. I´m not quite so bad, when I had a good workout. And I explain that, that I release most of the tension with sweating it out. WW gives you tips, how to deal with stress differently, but somehow there was nothing that jumped at me: "Oh yes, I could do that instead."

I know better organization throughout my life would make a big difference, but I was born to be chaotic. All my attempts to structure things fail completely. The blooming money situation won´t change any time soon either, unless anybody got some to spare ;-).

But I will keep on fighting the chaos and while I dream about a fancy holiday in the Carribean (all inclusive with a kids club and a lovely beach)...sigh....

So time to get going. Our visitors arrive in two days and I want to get this mountain of ironing out of the way at least. Good news is, my daughter´s chickenpox finally made an appearance. And wow, the poor girl´s covered. But same as my son, she´s good in herself and will be fit for staying with Nanny and Granddad over the weekend.

Have a lovely day everyone

XX

To go on or not to go on

The weeks go by and nothing is changing. My last day of tracking is 9 days ago. These 8 days were full of BBQ´s, fatty potatoe salads, alcohol, all sorts of sugary food. You name it, I had it and stuffed it down.

I just can´t find the motivation to keep my food intake under control. My emotional level swings between feeling absolute pathetic to being incredibly proud of myself, after finishing a killing training session and hearing that not many people are able to do, what I´ve just done.

I´m very tempted to just say that I´m happy with the way I look now.

With a bit of a cover up or the arm in the right position I think I look absolutly fine (of course nothing compared to my adorable daughter!).

But then there are other moments....

And then I see that there´s still lots of room for improvement. I´m doing all the right training and if I just had my eating under control, this belly would be nice and flat.

But I just don´t stop with this self sabotage. Day after day after day I go on, as if that was, what makes me happy. But it doesn´t. It makes me feel weak and idiotic.

I know that some of you ladies, who still have to go a longer way, say: "I would be well happy with that." At least I always did. But then again, why do I stop, when I could look even better. There´s not much more that I want to change (I don´t like the anoraexic look), so why don´t I just finish it? It´s like turning around, just before you cross the finish line. Why on earth would you do that? I´m not like that in my training. There I always finish (even though I´m moaning and winging).

My last training session was in the woods. I had to run up a very steap hill with 99 build in steps. And I had to do that 8 times. That is one of the things that apparently not many people are able to do and to finish off I had to run up a neverending hill, which if run up often enough, even makes my trainer puke (something I can really do without!) Professional athletes train like that. Of course they are much faster than me, but still, I was awfully proud after this session and was on a real buzz. And as I apparently burnt about 1300 cals in that session I had a huge BBQ afterwards.

We did quite a bit of talking in this session, and I said that I have to start thinking about, what kind of job I want to do, when my daughter´s in school. He suggested to become a personal trainer. No need to say that I was quite flabbergasted, although family and friends mentioned that before. In my head I was far too old to do that. For those who don´t know, I´m turning 40 in January. He said that there might be people, who would prefer an older trainer. And thinking about it, he might be right. My clients might probably rather be moms or people who are just interested in a slightly improved level of fitness.

But what kind of role model would I be? And do I really want to go to school with the 20 year olds? And most of all, what would I have to do?

But it is a thought.

Anyway, I actually started tracking today again and so far so good. Unfortunately I´m a bit injured again and can´t train (will still do my session tomorrow. He´ll find alternatives) and adding to that, my throat started hurting. My husband was really bad. I really hope, I won´t!!!

Have a lovely day everyone

XX

I´ve got an award!

Thank you so much Julie from MY WEIGHT LOSS JOURNEY! I´m so happy that I met you here! You´re such an inspiring lady and a real work out warrior! I feel really honoured!









As with most awards, it came with some rules:


1. Get really Excited that you got the coolest award Ever! Yeah!
2. Choose ONE of the following options of accepting the OMB award:
(a) Get really drunk and blog for 15 minutes straight, or for as long as you can focus.
(b) Write about your most embarrassing moment.
(c) Write a “Soundtrack of your childhood” post.
(d) Make your next blog a "vlog"/video blog. Basically your talking to the camera about whatever.

(e) Take a picture of yourself first thing in the morning, before you do anything else (hair, makeup, etc)
and post it.


3. Pass this award onto at least 3, but preferably more, awesome blogger as yourself. Don’t forget to tell them.


I´m still torn between the early morning picture and the getting drunk one. The latter would be two in one really, because it most likely will also be the most embarassing moment. Have to see what will happen on the wine front tonight.

The 3 I´m passing it on to are:

Jaframity @ http://shrinking-thinking.blogspot.com/. She´s a fantastic lady and gave me so many words of encouragment. You´ll tackle the last 2!!!!!

Linz M @ http://linzerello.blogspot.com/ This gorgeous, funloving lady already lost an incredible amount of weight. She´s one of the reasons, why I´m not ready to give up, yet, although I very often want to.

and last but not least

Quay @ http://thefatandthinofit.blogspot.com/. What an amazing woman! She never fails to make me giggle. She´s the kind of woman who laughs the devil in the face and I absolutely adore her!



Thank you all so much!!!

X X

The shorts are out!

Finally it´s time for a sun tan!!!! I´m actually doing some gardening. I´m honest, I don´t have a clue, what I´m doing, but it´s fun. I planted lots of pots, which hopefully will bloom beautifully soon (I always forget the names of the flowers as soon as they´re in the ground. Well, I want to look at them, not discussing life with them), do lots of weeding and even planted some veg.

Went to WI on Sunday. When the leader asked me, if I had a good week, I could only say again: "God no!" I was good for 4 days to blow it all again the days after. Still managed to lose a pound, so I´m not complaining. Yesterday was the first OKish day again, when I only went over my points by 2.5, which is pretty good for me at the mo.

Went running yesterday and really struggled. Can´t have been much further than 3.5miles. Didn´t help that the battery for my MP3 player ran out. So there was the decision: "Home!" Not having my earphones on also made me hear the wolf whistle horn of a bloke´s red Pick-Up. Oh yippie... :-/

Was supposed to have a training session in the Chase (our area of natural beauty) yesterday, but the trainer had a swollen ankle and we postponed it to Friday. In a way I´m looking forward to it, because it´s something different, out of the gym, but I know he´s going to kill me. He´s a real runner and I´m sure he´ll find the steapest hills. Better do some more running, to be up for it.

I´m also suffering from cabin fever, because my son´s got the chickenpox and so we´re stuck at home. Thankfully he´s not doing too bad, so we´re out in the garden most of the time. I hope my daughter will get them quickly, because we´ll have visitors from Germany in 2 weeks and we wanted to go to London for a night. That would be the first time since being parents that hubby and I go away for the weekend without the kids. So PLEASE, PLEASE let the spots come!!!

Gym tonight for Legs, Bums & Tums. It´s been years and years (still in Germany) when I did that last. I´m just trying to do lots of different things, to keep it interesting. I might even try Thai boxing today....

So time for the second lot of washing to go out. I know, my life´s so glamorous, but please don´t get jealous. ;-)

Have a good week everyone.

X

Thought it´s time for a picture again

I just stumbled over the picture my 5 year old son (so it´s a bit fuzzy) took of my daughter and me. And even though the numbers weren´t the best in the recent weeks, I´d still like to think that there´s a positiv change in my body. I even see some ABS defining. So I haven´t completely wasted my time!

X

Still here

I haven´t written for a few days, because I just wanted to spare you from the same blabbering over and over again. Although I was really angry with myself, I just wasn´t able to turn it around. Going on the scales with James showed exactly that. But it looks like I needed that. I feel a bit better.

I think it also has something to do with the hormones going back to normal. Thinking about it, I´m going through that most months. This time it was just so much worse, because it had been going on for so long already.

So I was good on Friday. Saturday I had everything planned. I had a lovely run with my friend in the woods. Because we always get lost we ran for 55min. I´m dead proud of my mate, because she doesn´t train nearly as much as I do, but she managed to run most of it. Afterwards we had a coffee and a little chat. But when I came home, I came into the house of grumbles. My beloved husband was in a right mood, because the kids had been naughty. I tried to cheer him up doing a cooked breakfast for lunch, but it didn´t really work. He took the kids shopping while I did the ironing (oh glorious life!!!) and brought back pizza and wine. I was a bit peed off, because he knew that I´ve planned and I simply had enough of his mood, because I got the: "You were out all morning!"

That was quite hurtful, because my sports is the only hobby I´ve got. I know it became much more (I´m exercising 5 or 6 days now. Once with the PT and the other days running or classes), but it never is super long, and most of the time it´s in the mornings, when both kids are gone. When I tell him about my training sessions he just shuts down. I think it´s a mixture between the fact that I´m mentioning a bloke a lot and the fact that he feels a bit insecure about not being able to keep up with me. I was thinking about it. If he had a female trainer and would tell the same stories about his sessions, I might feel a bit insecure myself. So I just decided, I won´t tell him about it anymore. It´s a bit sad, because I would like to share, what I´m so proud about, but I neither want to hurt nor to bore him.

The only person who I don´t bore to death with these stories is my mate, who´s training with him to.

By the way my record in the squad-uphill-run-challenge is still unbeaten. One girl matched it, but none of the blokes could do it. And there were more Navy guys. Amazing!!!

Oh, my trainer gave me the tip to put chocolate bars in the freezer and break it into tiny pieces and only to have a bit, when I feel like it. Of course just having one piece doesn´t work for me (he really doesn´t know me!), but I tried it yesterday with one of the WW bars, and I was very happy with just one bar (which is good for me). So I managed to stay under my points yesterday. That´s twice in 3 days. For all of you, who do that week after week, might think: "How sad is that?", but after these weeks and weeks of binging, it brings my spirits up.

Tabata tonight and then Supernatural in bed (at least no nibbling there....sweets I mean). We bought the DVD´s. Honey can be happy that none of those is not my trainer, because with one of them I might put the thought of a toy boy into consideration....Yum!

Have a good week everyone (mine might even be)

X X

Like a scratched record

The best intentions and guess what: Absolutely nothing bloody changed. I still give into every little craving I get. And there are soooo many of them.

I couldn´t make it to my WI on Sunday, because I had to go to work. Last match of the season! Yippie! The players went straight into their holidays afterwards. I tried not to think of all the fancy places, they would go to. We pretty much decided yesterday that we wouldn´t go to Germany this year, but go to Wales with Jock´s brother and family. Not fancy either, but at least a 'normal' holiday. When we go to Germany, of course we have to meet up with everyone. So it always turns out to be stressy.

So anyway, I didn´t make it to WI. I jumped on the scales this morning and was not surprised to see that I was another 2 pounds up. Although I have to mention that totm´s coming up. But I don´t like to use that as an excuse, because I know, if I´m good, I still manage to lose a bit or at least stay the same. But 'good' wouldn´t be the word of choice about how I´ve done. 'Dreadful', 'pathetic', 'idiotic' rather jumps in mind. At least I´m still sporting it loads. After the sight on the scales I put my training gear on straight away and went running right after I dropped kids off. Managed to do a bit longer again. Didn´t measure it, but must have been about 5.5 or 6 miles. Don´t want to think about, what scales would say, if I didn´t work out. Oh god, better not!!

So AGAIN best intentions, have been tracking and 'good' so far. I have my next training session on Friday morning, and it´s weighing time again. I just can´t step on them being this heavy. I couldn´t bear his look. There´s no chance I´ll get it all off till then, but some of it has to come off. There I can use totm as an excuse and might even get a little blush as a bonus. I mean how embarrasing to tell this 22 year old boy: "Sorry, but I´ve got my period at the moment." Oh god, just let me die!

I might put in another combat session tonight. I have to get some off. I just have to!

What is the f***** matter with me????

I didn´t even make one day! It´s bad enough the weekends being my downfall, but starting on the blooming Monday?!

Again during the day I was OK. I wanted to do Tabata in the evening, but when hubby came home, I was starving. I knew that I can´t do heavy excercise after a big meal, so I said I´d go this morning instead.

The dinner was healthy, too. Wholeweat pasta with tuna, broccoli and mushrooms. But then.... A WW bar, WW ice-cream, winegum and then I just got the chocolate spread and the peanutbutter and dunked my biscuits in it. I don´t even attempt to estimate the points. Oh, did I mention the bottle of red?? On a Monday!!!! Looking in the mirror I just see an alcoholic binging pig! I can´t put into words how pissed off I am with myself (excuse my language, but in my head I´m using worse, believe me!) I´m fed up with it!

I hate going to the meetings and hearing about so many people doing so well. The only good thing I´ve got to say every week, is that I´m excersing well. But could you imagine how much I´d have to excercise to train all that rubbish off? I´d have to give up sleeping!

I keep telling myself: "Just do it for crying out loud!" But the problem´s not the doing it, it´s the 'don´t do it'. Don´t put another biscuit in your mouth, don´t fill your glass up again, don´t open the jelly beans.

I always had a problem with saying 'no'. It´s bad enough, that I can´t say it to others, but not even to myself?

This just has to stop, but I just don´t know how to? My leader at WW is no help, whatsoever. She never makes time for indivuals. She has her notes, she´s got to cover. If you actually say something, you can see her getting impatient quickly.

I had a few leaders over the years, and they were all pretty much the same. Everytime I think: "My god, you gave us the leaflet, which got everything you´re just telling us in it. I can read!" But I still stay, and everytime I go out again with the best intentions.

But I just don´t want to give up! If I cancelled the membership now, I know it would just be unfinished business and I would not be happy.

If I could just manage one full week! One blooming week of staying within my points. Starting again today.........

X

Monday-Thursday great. Friday-Sunday chatastrophic

It was a typical week again. I was very good for 4 days to absolutely go bonkers over weekend.

We had a great weekend, though. We had a bbq all three days. Twice with our neighbours, which usually results in far too much alcohol as well and with family on Sunday, even though the heavens opened. But we just moved everything under shelter. Loved it. With my tummy full of sausage, chicken, potatoes, pasta, salad, cake and hell knows what, I still went to my WI. Was pretty relieved to see a STS. Would still have been a little loss. But I just went on afterwards, because I thought: "Sod it, back to it tomorrow." And that´s what I´m doing.

I think I should probably take little steps and aim to be good for 5 days this week. The one-step-forward-two-steps-back´s still going on. I don´t want to think about for how long, because it just makes me feel incredibaly useless. I even feel like a cheater writing this, because I obviously don´t take it seriously, or why else don´t I just do it? It´s not rocket science. Eat less than you burn. Cut down on the bad stuff. Why, for heaven´s sake, am I constantly rebelling against it? I feel like yelling at myself, how pathetic I am. Arrrrrrrr!

Hope you guys are doing better

X X

I´m one fit bunny!!!!!!!

I had my training with the evil man again yesterday, and he had me terrified before again, because he texted me, that I should be very afraid. That was absolutely unasked for! I told you, he´s evil!

I even tried to prepare myself, how I could distract myself from the pain an exhaustion. I wanted to try to think about that there are worst things in life, than being pinned down by a fit 22 year old. But it just didn´t work.

So we went straight on the treadmill and he said that we would go easy today. Yeah right!!! He even asked me for how fast I want it. Big, big UH OH! Than he told me what he wanted me to do. I had to do 10 squads go on the treadmill run for 100metres (of course he chose speed and incline), back down 20 squads and 200metres, 30 squads 300metres. He said we´ll do this to 400, because nobody has managed the 500 before. The treadmill was on 9km/hr and incline on 15 (flipping 15!!!!!!). But what can I say. Just call me Mrs 500! I was the first to complete the 500! Ok, I was only nr.7, he did this with, but still there were some real fit guys, one is even in the Navy! I was floating with pride all day yesterday. I´m so so much fitter than I thought. I´m almost 40 for crying out loud! So sorry for boasting, but I´m so incredibly proud of myself.

The bad news is, I thought that´s a reason for celebration. So 5.30 I opened the bottle of wine. Our neighbours were over. She had a reason to celebrate as well. She got asked for ID in ASDA. She´s 34. So, what can I say, I think I consumed about 50 points yesterday. Not smart, but I don´t really care. Today won´t be the best day either, because I have the after-drink-food-cravings and we´ll have a bbq later.

Oh, the scales at the gym yesterday showed that I´ve lost 1.8kg in the last 2 weeks. It´s all weird. Got my WI at WW tomorrow, will be interesting to know, what they say. My bodyfat went up, but apparently it´s normal, when you lose weight. The flab needs toning up again. Oh, he said I´ll have a washboard stomach. Yeah right mate.

Have a lovely weekend everyone

X X

A few last words

before I go to bed. I´m trying to mentally prepare myself for my next torture session tomorrow morning, which means I try not to drive myself crazy. It´s only an hour, it´s only an hour.....

My friend had a session with him tonight and she told him to nicer with me, because I ached so badly afterwards. Guess what he said! I´m fit enough to cope with that! I don´t know, if I should feel flattered or simply punch him (I hope we´ll do boxing again tomorrow!)

He also threatened to warm us up for our Race 4 Life. Great idea. After his warm up, we can take a taxi round the course!

Foodwise I´m still OKish. Had a bit of a munch yesterday and went 7 points over my dailys, which is still not too bad for me. Got lots more AP´s and even managed to stay 3P under, today. Didn´t do any excercise today, apart from my normal rushing around, so my legs shouldn´t be too tired. Not that that matters, because 5 minutes into the session they will be jelly again.

But I´m interested to see, what the scales say tomorrow. Hope to see, that some of the gain was muscle. Although if there´s a gain of fat, I´m not looking forward to his comments.

So, I better go to bed now. Will need all my energy tomorrow.

Wish me luck

X X

Another day dusted

That´s all I can do at the moment. One day after the other. But I had a little peak this morning, and it seems to work. If I can believe these crappy things, it looks like 2 are back off. Fingers crossed!

I´m eating my full points at the moment, because of all the training, and don´t want to give my body too little.

Didn´t make it in time for spinning yesterday, so I did combat instead and then again this morning. It feels so good, not to feel absolutely shattered after a workout. Rest tomorrow. My calves are so blooming tight. I keep stretching them, but they just show me the finger. (Sorry for that, but it´s just so frustrating)

Also have to see the dentist, because my bridge became loose. Got this horror vision of losing them in public. OOHH NOOO! But on the other hand... How much do you think they weigh? Maybe I should wait till Sunday.....

Two women in my daughters nursery are doing WW, and they are doing fantastic. The manager has lost 15lb in the first three weeks, and the other on has over lost 2st and just reached goal. Not quite sure in what time, but not very long. And here I am, doing it for 4 months, and after the last WI with the 5.5 gain, my total stands by 6.5. AARRRGGGHHHH! I must have too much time and money. BUT I WILL NOT GIVE UP! I will get there. I will be slim, I will wear a size 10 and I will look bloody fantastic on my 40th birthday!

So time to get this well rounded backside off this chair and get something done.

Enjoy the sun everyone!

X

Shock horror! I managed to track a full day...

And stay withing my points! This hasn´t happened in weeks! And I feel good for it. Don´t get me wrong, it took all my willpower, to not hit the goodie cupboard after I had the gorgeous (and planned) WW crunchy caramal ice-cream, but I won!

I just kept telling myself, how disappointed I will be, if I lay the new start off for yet another day. I´ll have to go on the scales again on Friday with Evil J, and I will try everything to undo my damage as good as I can. You should see the unbelieve in his face, when I tell him about my chocolate addiction. That´s something that he absolutely cannot understand.

Plan is to work out as much as possible. Went on the treadmill for an hour on Sunday, 35min. yesterday, today spinning and tomorrow combat. Nothing on Thursday, because I need fresh legs for my torture session on Friday.
And of course tracking, tracking, tracking.

I spoke to my friend, who´s been training with him for a few months now, because I got worried to lose the fun in going. Last Friday was just too much again. I almost cried the last two times and I´m not looking forward for the next time. My friend felt the same, but she got over it. Now she´s not that bothered anymore. She sees it as: 'It´s just an hour'. I hope I´ll get there, too. And there´s no doubt that it does wonders to my shape. Even though I put on, my waistline feels so much smoother. No big blotchy bits hanging over my trousers anymore. I get compliments about how healthy and toned I look (as long as I don´t give them a closer look at my lower tummy, hips and thighs).

So I´ll keep on going and I´ll survive. I will fight through his warm up and cardio bit with tiring legs, empty lungs and burning throat, I will go on finishing the ridiculous amounts of one or two legged squads, although my thighs scream in pain, I will do all the press-ups, push-ups, planks and sit-ups, while he´s putting silly weights on me, pulling at the other end or leaning on me and fight through all the other torture methods he comes up with. And there will come the day, when I´m not begging him to let me stop, when I´m not saying: "I can´t do this." And when that day comes, there will be nothing holding me back anymore. That day I will know, that I can do anything I want to. That will be a bloody good day!!!

Have a good one

X X

I had to face the music

And it played: 5.5 gain! No surprise there. Considering this is over 3 weeks of going far (far far far) over my points most everyday, it could have been far worse, I suppose. But of course it still brings me down. What a waste of time and money. But I hope that this kick in the butt is enough to put me back on the right track.

Went straight into the gym afterwards and ran for an hour on the treadmill and made it 9.5 km. That´s the furthest and longest I´ve run in many years. In fact there´s only once I ever ran longer. So that´s a fantastic feeling of achievment. It didn´t even wear me out, I could have gone on, but my loved ones were waiting for me. So fitnesswise I´m getting better and better and some of the gain will be muscle, but still.....

So, dinner will be a carrot-potatoesoup for 2 points and tomorrow I´ll go back to tracking.

So back on the wagon. Again.

X

Still munching away

Did the run, did some thinking, but still binging on the wrong stuff.

Fortunately I´m still training pretty hard. Had another personal session this morning, and again I was close to tears. The best part of it was, when Evil James told me, that I have a good running style. That was while I did my warm up on the treadmill running 9km/hr with 6% inline (yes, that´s the warm up!!!), just before we started the intervall training, when the incline went down to 0.5% but the speed went up to 16km/hr max. Unbefreakinlievable! He just dryly said, that it will eventually go up to 20km/hr. And it got much worse. I pay this bloke for that. What the heck was I thinking????

But at least there´s hope, that the scales won´t show the huge gain I´d deserve for all this binging. We´ll see on Sunday. Maybe the meeting will sort me out a bit.

I basically just try to stay cool and wait for this phase to go past. It always does.

Apart from that I´m enjoying the weather. Will plant my bum outside again, and just ignore all the housework and the reports I still have to write. Will do that tonight (said that for the last 3 days). But come on, we´ve been waiting for this for months and months. The housework won´t go anywhere (wish it would) and maybe sitting typing will keep my fingers busy enough, not to go through the sweety cupboard again.

Won´t be able to enjoy the sun much tomorrow, because I´ll be working at the Albions again. They go up, so customers will get their champagne. Should be a happy atmosphere.

Have a lovely weekend

X X

Thinking

I will spare you with telling you once again, that I couldn´t keep my fingers from the cake and the chocolate. Oops, too late. Well at least I spare you the details.

Maybe it´s time to find out, what triggers it. I´m not a fan of it, I have to say, because the first thought that comes into my head, is that these are just weak excuses. But there´s one fact: Is my life running smooth, staying on track is so much easier.

So what happened in the past two weeks. The most tragic happening was definitely the death of my best friends mother. She suffered from cancer and was facing her second chemo. She never recovered from her first and it went very quick in the end. We went to her funeral on Thursday. I lost my father 16 years ago. He suffered many years from a weak heart. Much of it his own fault. Heavily overweight, no excercise whatsoever, workoholic (absolutely no social life), strong smoker (until his stroke) and a choleric. Although I loved him very much, he was not the easiest man to be around and I have to say, none of us ever really knew, what was going on in his mind. I always beat myself up, for not grieving the way I should. In his lifetime I never managed to finish an apprenticeship. I think it was that I never believed I could live up to his expectations anyway, although finishing an apprenticeship was the only he had! How awful does it sound, but about 6 month after his death I started and finished my apprenticeship as a hotel specialist. It was like, him not there, expecting, everything came easier.
My mom, who never experienced a warm loving marriage has been with her boyfriend for many years now and is happier than she´s ever been.
So why am I shaken by sobs everytime I have to go to a funeral. I know, it´s not for the deceased, it´s for the ones left behind. So there´s still something going on inside.

So is it that, what triggers my eating? Don´t know!!!

There are a few more things that I´m not quite happy with at the moment, which involves working and the money situation. I mentioned that before, that I´m juggling 3 part time jobs. I enjoy working at the football, although the money is pretty poor. My job for the vitamin company pays the best, but not fish nor meat, as we say in Germany. The mystery shopping is a real ballache, but the minus on our account says that I can´t afford to pack it in. So what options have I got? It´s not until September 2011 that my daughter will start school, and I can go for a steady job. So I just try to stick in there and make the best out of it.

But not everything´s bad. I´ve got a lovely husband and two fantastic kids. My family in law is fab, and I was very lucky to find very special friends. I love our house. It´s nothing fancy, but it feels so much like home and it´s got a big garden.
So I don´t regret moving to England at all.

I also see the possibility that the whole problem´s just that I´m not 'overweight' anymore. From a medical point of view, and the view of most people around me, I don´t have to lose anything anymore. What will change, when I´m slim? First thing that comes into my mind, is not looking better, although that will be the case, or the feeling fitter. It´s more the achievement that springs into my mind.

One fantastic thing: I just loaded my MP3 player with lots of music. I will change into my running gear, turn the music on loud and try to figure it out while I´m running. And you know what? I will love it. I never ever have the time to just listen to music. Maybe it will bring some enlightment!

X

These holidays are always my downfall!

Here I am, after two weeks of chocolate indulgance. I just couldn´t stop. Every single evening I munched and munched and munched. I felt sick more than once. Once I even had to make myself sick. Nothing I like to share, but I think I have to. No need to say that I´m disgusted by myself! But nothing I can do about it now. It´s done. I´m determined to go back on track, starting today.

I wanted to go to WI yesterday, but we were invited for dinner next door, and it was just ready, when the meeting started. ´

The damage won´t be as bad as it could have been, because in other aspects I was absolutely fantastic. I´m still very enthusiastic about my training. And when I had to go on the scales with my trainer on Friday, it showed, despite all the chocolate, that I lost 3.5% bodyfat in just 2.5 weeks. I was absolutely over the moon! Thursday was the first warm day, so I asked my neighbour to have the kids for a bit, so I could go for a run. Armed with my new MP3 player I started off, wearing a T-shirt!!! Having music in my ear makes such a huge difference. Although the route I was running has some really mean hills in it, I had a huge grin on my face and was running further than I have in years. 4.5 miles!! For some this might be nothing, but I never had (and still don´t have) any attentions in ever running a marathon, so this is quite a good distance for me, and I won´t work on much longer distances.

I also still do the classes at the gym and of course my personal torture sessions. It´s getting harder and harder. Friday I was honestly close to tears, whining: "I can´t do this!" But guess what, I did it! Unfortunately my calf´s playing up again. He even gave me a massage at the end, which was quite painful. So I´ve got orders to rest until tomorrow, which is quite frustrating.

Can you imagine, how much I could lose, if I just had my eating under control? I don´t know, what´s wrong with my head, because I keep sabotaging myself. It´s like I just can´t believe that I can drop under 10st. That´s where my trainer wants me, so I´m officialy slim. Don´t I want to be slim? Sounds like a stupid question, but I´m truelly confused. When I´m scoffing down big chocolate eggs, creameggs and all the other rubbish, I´m totally aware that I will put on weight, and that I´ll feel down afterwards, but that just makes me get more chocolate. I´m sure we all know these vicious circles. But I still haven´t given up, yet. I hope I´ll find the answers to my questions along the way, to somewhen have a healthy relationship with food.

Good luck to us all

X X X

Active week

I was very good exercise wise this week. I didn´t ache nearly as much as I expected and even did a combat class the next morning after training with James. On Friday I tried spinning for the first time. And how can I say it nicely? I sucked!!! Having 4hard training sessions in the last 5 days in my legs didn´t make it any easier. I was not able to keep up at all.

Didn´t stop me from doing it again on Sunday morning. This time it went much better. I put my saddle a bit higher this time, which made it a hell lot easier. I still cheated a bit towards the end, but I was quite pleased with myself. And it payed off. I lost 2.5lbs last week. That put me 3lbs away from my just set goalweight.

But I might go a bit further, because when I got weight in the fitness centre I had a bodyfat percentage of 26%, which is the upper region of average. Our training goal is to get me into the slim range, which would be between 14-22% (or is it 21?). Whatever, it might need an extra few pounds.

Tomorrow morning I´ll have my second training with James. When I was in on Sunday he made a note in his book, saying: Make her ache! Oh, it will be awful! While doing it, I hate every second of it, but the buzz it gives you for finishing it, is amazing. Wednesday at work I was so high from that accomplishment. It almost felt illegal.

I bought myself an MP3 player today, to make running a bit more fun, but can I make this thing work? I´m such a loser with all these gadgets. The manual is pathetic. It doesn´t even show you, how to get music on it. As you just have to know. Maybe I did something wrong. Rubbish! I spent all my morning with it. Better get something done now.

Ttfn

Personal trainer is another word for torturer!

I had my first personal training session this morning! The trainer texted me after I got back from the gym, where I tried Tabata. I´d never heard of that before. For those who haven´t either, it´s a bit like circuit training but in intervalls. We had to do things like getting down on your belly, getting up, jump, back down on belly, back up and so on. There were 6 (I think) intervalls of 20sec. each, with breaks of 10sec. in between. There were also things like lunges, sprinting, weight lifting, sit-ups etc. What got to me worst was the shoulder presses. Still can´t lift my arms properly.

So afterwards I got the text telling me about my session at 10 o´clock this morning. I heard from my friend, how hard it is and I was really nervous. And OH MY GOD, I´ve never trained so hard in my life. I considered myself fairly fit, but I felt dizzy after not even 10 minutes. That was when I had to run on the treadmill, but the treadmill wasn´t switched on. I had to move the blooming thing just with my poor little muscles. In this 45 minutes I thought more than once, I can´t do this. I was groaning and moaning like a bad porn actress. But let me tell you, although the trainer is actually quite cute and he sees me in positions that usually only my husband is allowed to, there´s nothing less sexual then this. Unless you´re into SM maybe. Well, I´m not! But I did it, and I feel fantastic for it. Although I know, I won´t be able to walk tomorrow. Will be great fun, because I´ll be working at the football.

There was one funny thing, though. They had a break in, in the gym. From all things they could have stolen, they only stole the Pringles machine. Must have been Weight Watchers!

I have to relax now.

Have a lovely evening everyone!
X

Took some time off

I had two weeks in which I hardly tracked at all. If I tracked, it was until the afternoon to then absolutely lose it in the evenings. I can´t really tell you why. Only that I was just sick of staying in control all the time. At least I was still working out regularly.

But I went to WI yesterday and still managed to lose 0.5. Total shock, but I´m definitely not complaining.

On Wednesday I met up with a friend I haven´t seen for a 5 weeks. We used to go to WW together last year, but she gave it up. She looked like she´s lost quite a bit of weight. She told me that she´s doing personal training sessions now. So I made my mind up. I´ve been talking about it for ages, but was always saying that I can´t afford it (to be fair I can´t really). I´ll still do it now. So I hand in my cancellation form at the leisure centre and today I signed up for Fitness First. I´ll get 3 PT sessions for free. I chose the same trainer as her, who´s supposed to be very hard. What can I say, others treat themselves for facials or Spa holidays, I sign up for torture sessions. I´m all exited, though. It will be interesting to know, what I capable of and when I´ll start crying! My friend´s got a session tonight. So I´ll go and do one of the classes. When she´s finished I´ll have a chat with the trainer to make an appointment.

I also set my goal weight yesterday. I set it for 10.7. It´s a bit higher then I originally wanted, but I think I will be able to maintain that. It´ll be a BMI of 23.5. That has to be good enough. That means I only have 5.5 to lose. That, plus the new fitness challenge, has given me a boost. Although my friend said to get ready, that I might not lose any weight or even put on weight in the beginning, because I´ll build up muscle. But he´ll measure my body fat percentage there, so I´ll still be able to see a success (hopefully). And I count on the fact that being weight by a superfit 22 year old male every week should be some extra motivation not to stuff my face with too much junk.

I might try out Spinning for the first time tonight, although my legs are quite tired from yesterday. I was barking mad, doing a 5km run on the treadmill right before I did Body Combat. Almost 10 extra points, though.

I´m hungry now. Will make myself a tomatoesoup now for 0.5 points. Not sure what to have with it, yet. Surely I´ll find something!

Come on Petra, only 5.5 to go! Get your a*** into gear!

Have a good week everyone

XX

Why do you want to lose weight?

Had to bring my car to the garage on Wednesday. On the M6 to work Tuesday, the light for the water started glowing. Still drove the car after work with the light on most of the time. I always take my nephew, who´s working there, too. When we drove into Cannock, it smelled quite burned. My brother-in-law had a look at it. Mind it was 11:45pm by then. When we opened bonnet the water was boiling away. When he opened the water tank, the cap just flew off and a fontain of boiling water was coming out. I´m so glad that nobody got hurt. Couldn´t have lived with myself. No need to say that I thought it would cost a fortune, but just heard that the car is fixed now, and it will 'only' be £105.

To stay on track at work on Tuesday, I brought my own food in. One ham roll with mustard (the kind that burns your nose free) and a jam roll, carrots, chewitz, a WW creamed rice (god, I love it!) and WW cake (the customers always get cake after the game, and this way I could still have some, without having the 1.000.000 cal one). But after all this car business, I seriously needed a glass of wine and a treat. So I came 3.5 over my daily allowance, even with the 2 extra points I allow myself. But I don´t worry about that too much.

Yesterday we brought Auntie Margaret back to the airport and I just couldn´t resist this lovely Raspberry White Choc Muffins for about 8P. So again 3.5 over.

I also came on this morning, so I don´t see, everything being back off on Sunday, but I´m still glad, that I´m not going completely crazy anymore.

We´re going to a neighbour´s birthday party tonight, but it´s not gonna be a late one, because I´m working again tomorrow and we take the kids. Well, the real reason is, that it´s Lost night, so I have to be back for 9o´clock. Is that pretty sad?

At work on Tuesday I had the famous Why-do-you-want-to-lose-weight-anyway question again. When I first started WW 6 years ago, this girl started with us. She had about the same BMI like I have now (about 24.5-25). I asked her, where she wanted to lose weight? From her earlope? Now I feel awful for saying that, because I´m in the same position. It would have been different, if I completed my journey in one go, but I simply haven´t. Like that girl I want to reach an BMI of about 22, which is the ideal and doesn´t make me a Victoria Beckham.

When I was bigger, in a conversation, my boss in her size 6 chanel jacket, mentioned the successful weightloss of another colleague and said to me: "Oh, but don´t get me wrong, if you´re happy with yourself..." I definitely prefer the "But you don´t have to lose weight", but it still does not help whatsoever. This is about finishing what I started so long ago, and not always thinking: "What if." I will finish it now, not just for the looks, but for my self believe, for making the best out of myself. And of course for the lovely dresses, the shorts and the jumpsuits. Still have to work on my wearing-heels-skills, but it´s on the agenda!


Oh, one more thing: I was doing the fitness coach again yesterday and it was upper body strength. I had to do push ups with my shins on the stability ball. Two sets à 12. I did them!!! Not perfectly, but still not bad.

Hope you´re having a good week

X

Stepping back on

Had my first day of complete tracking again. I´m determined not to throw the towel. Of course I could beat myself up for letting myself go so much, but I´d beat myself up even more, if I let it go on.

Excercised a bit again today. Haven´t done anything since last Tuesday. Will step that up again this week. I can´t go to combat tonight, because WBA have a home match today and I´ll be working. I decided to allow myself extra 2 points, when I´m working on night matches, because I´ll be running around till 10.30 tonight. Very often it ends up, telling myself: "Oh come on, you deserve something extra", what then ends up in having the rich cakes from work and wine afterwards. Giving myself this extra 2 could help staying in the limits.

I finally found my USB cable so I can upload newer pictures. I tried to take some of myself. Tried it in front of the mirror in our bedroom, but you can only see the flash. Now I took some picture in the kitchen. You have to excuse the straint looking face, because I pressed the button and then jumped backwards, in hope that I would get a full body shot. Had some lovely pictures of the ceiling or the bottom of the cupboard, when the camera was tipping backwards.

Hear´s to a full week of tracking!

X

What is wrong with me?

In the past two weeks I didn´t just fall off the wagon, I took a flying leap! My days were full of chocolates, biscuits, McDonalds, Chinese, pizza. You name it, I had it. And loads of it! And all the time I was fully aware of what I was doing, but I just didn´t stop. I simply kept sabotaging myself. Can anybody tell me why, because I just don´t get it. I stept on the scales this morning, scared to keep my eyes open and of course it showed another gain of 4lbs. I should go to WI today, but I think I stuff it. We got family coming round for coffee and cake (more cake) this afternoon anyway.

I´m so pissed off with myself (excuse my language), I can´t put it into words. My intention is to make a fresh start tomorrow, hoping that´ll find my way again. But I´m very scared, too that I can´t stop this.

I don´t know what else to say.

Wish me luck

X

Somebody send me some energy!

Looks like I ran out! Emptying the dishwasher takes so much effort, you could think I have to decorate the whole house! You can imagine, what that leads to: Cravings for surgary foods. But so far, I´ve been quite good. I cooked a big pot of carrot soup. I blended it, so it´s seems creamy and is more filling. You can also put some ham, or my favorite: peanutbutter in it. Chillipowder on top...yum! I had some pizza toast with it. I just put passata on toast, some grated cheese on top and into the oven. For my sweet tooth I made a bowl with an orange, low cal jelly and a WW vanilla yoghurt. So for now I´m quite satisfied.

My plan was to bank points for Saturday, but haven´t been very successful there. After two days, I´m 1.5P up. So my activity points might have to be enough to keep the damage in check. In two days I already managed 20 activity points. This is with wearing my pedometer (only use car on school runs, if I really have to) and 45 min wii on Monday and a combat and a step class yesterday. It was straight after another, so I slept very well last night.

Why is it, that some day are relatively easy to keep control and others are so hard? I mean there´s not a minute in my life that I can´t eat chocolate. Even after a huge dinner and I feel like I could pop, I can still eat a fair amount of chocolate, or cake, or jellybeans or (the list goes on and on). So it takes willpower everyday, but sometimes is almost unbearable. Today is a medium hard day so far (how bad it really is, will show tonight. That´s the hardest time of the day). But I will try to make the best out of it.

I did my 8 week messures this morning. Since I started I lost 1/4 inch on my arm (that´s the one part I don´t really have to lose), 1.5 inches round my waist, 1 inch round my hips and 1/2 inch of my thigh. I´m not really sure, how to feel about it. I know, I could have done better, but however slow, there´s success. I feel it on my clothes as well. I´m fitting in all my clothes again. When everything was too tight and the fat was flapping over, I actually considered to blame Jock for putting the clothes in the dryer. Well, it was not that. So one minigoal, fitting into my clothes again: Check!

I don´t even set myself any minigoals. I just try to do day after day and hope to get there in the end and look fabulous in a UK size 8! At the speed I´m going at the moment that will be in 2020.

Maybe it´s just the time of the year and I´m still in hibernation.

Time to get on with some work. Move, body move... Come on, you can do it.... Maybe I´ll just have one more coffee.....

X

New week Fresh spirit

And I faced the music to find out that I was 1.5 up. I don´t even complain about that, because it could have been much worse, considering how bad I was.

So today I´m in fresh spirits again. I even tried to plan a bit for this week. There won´t be anything super fancy. I´ll make a Bolognese tonight which we´ll have with pasta today and with a baked potatoe tomorrow. On Wednesday I´ll try the pizza from 'This week'. Thursday night I´ll be working at a boring dinner for Labour people. My boss calls them VVIP´s. I remember from last year that I was bored stupid. On Friday I´ll treat the kids and we´ll just have fishfingers with selfmade chips. On Saturday we´re out for the 50th wedding anniversary of my parents in law, so I´ll try to safe a few points everyday for that. I don´t intend to count points on that dinner. At least I won´t drink, because we´ll have the kids with us. Sunday it will be just a carrot-potatoe soup with chilli and peanut butter. I´m still not so good with the Sunday roast thing. What can I say, I´m a foreigner! I do them every here and then, but I just don´t enjoy standing in the kitchen for hours.

This week will be a lot calmer. Thank god! I tried to catch up a bit on the housework. God, it was a bombsite. Washed clothes everywhere. The ironing board is up waiting to be used, but will have to wait till tonight. I actually hung out some washing, because it´s such a beautiful day. I doubt that it´ll dry, but it´ll smell fantastic!

I already did 45 min cardio with the wii fitness coach. It´s so time to start some outdoor running again, but I´m a bit nervous, because I haven´t run outside for at least half a year. Best is just to do it. Most likely I´ll be surprised.

I´m pretty confident that this week will be better. I´ve still lost 9lbs in 8 weeks. I know that is nothing great, but I´m still loosing.

I wish you all a good week
X

What did I just say again?

This really hasn´t been a good week at all. I´ve been eating and drinking far too much and I´m not really looking forward for my WI today. I even had one of those days, when I was eating and eating and eating. I was absolutely concious about it. But I let myself.

I know, where it was coming from. I had a very stressy week, taking on too much work again. I will have to learn to say no sometimes. But at the moment I don´t really have much of a choice. Jock´s a bricklayer and the times are pretty hard. It happened three times, that the people he was working for didn´t have anymore work at the time. Fortunately it was never for long and it only took him a few phone calls to get back into work, but it was still quite scary. But spring´s coming and hopes are up that work will pick up again. But of course I try to help as much as I can.

Yesterday we had a first since we are parents. We were kids free for a whole night! Woohoo! We went to a 70's 80's party for the third year in a row. And let me tell you something: I never felt so old in my life! This year it was a complete different crowd. It was like parents with their teenage kids. More kids then parents. But we still had a good time with a McDonald afterwards. I know, I know. But come on! This was a day absolutely out of the ordinary and you have to have some fun sometimes!

Today of course it´s the normal 'After-drinking-carb-or-whatever-else-cravings'. We weren´t too bad though.

But having said all that and knowing, should the scale show a gain (more than possible) I won´t be jumping for joy, but I won´t be beating myself up about either. I look quite positive into the new week, because it should go much calmer. I´ll be able to plan much better and to exercise more.

So I better get on with my work. Want to get it behind me. And then I will go to face the music. Da da da daaaa.

Will let you know, what the damage was.

Have a lovely Sunday
X

Bringing things into perspective!

I´ve just uploaded a few pictures and I have to say it put quite a few things into perspective.

When I started WW for the first time five years ago (god, doesn´t time just fly by???????) I lost 1 1/2st. I didn´t reach my goal weight, which would have been about just under a stone, because we moved to England, but I managed to maintain that weight quite well. Always when the pounds crept back on, I tracked again for a bit and managed to stay within that weight. It helped a lot that exercise always stayed a part of my life. So I was in a healthy weight range for most of the time, if not, just slightly overweighed.

Even when I had my daughter and put on quite a bit again, I managed to loose it, without attending any meeting. So just for that I can give myself quite a big pat on my back!

But all the time it still felt like I haven´t finished. My willpower wasn´t enough to go this little bit further. In 2008 I decided to finish it off. My start weight then was 11st3 and I managed to go down to 10.8 1/2 in 6 weeks. And then I had two bad weeks and that was enough for me to pack it in again. I mean HOW PATHETIC! But again I didn´t do too bad afterwards, because when I went back to WW again about a year later I weighed in with 11st5 1/2. That was last August. This time I didn´t do very well. In November my total loss was 2.5lbs. The highest loss I had that go was 7lbs. Frustrated with my lack of determination I decided to leave it over the christmas time. But I kept my monthly pass and right after christmas I started again. This time I weighed in 11st8. Again a bit more.

And I know now, this time I will go to the end. I don´t even really know, what weight this will be. It´s the thigh-stomach area, I´m least happy with. Well and I hate my boobs. I wish it would only be a pencil that you could stick under them. You can fit a whole pencil case with crayons and pencils in 8 colours, rubber, calculator and the lot under mine! But after breastfeeding two kids (not that I was too impressed with them before) nothing to be done there apart from serious surgery!

Thinking about it, there´s only one part of my body I´m happy with and that´s my arms. They are quite toned. That´s combat for you!

Anyway, there´s one big difference this time. I started this blog. I´m reading all these amazing stories. They make me laugh, sympathize or sometimes just leave me in awe. And most of all, I don´t feel alone with my struggles. Okay, there are the meetings and I like them, but when I´m really struggling, a 'You-should-do-that' just doesn´t help. I know the theory, but sometimes I just can´t do it.

I know this is not the most exiting blog. I doubt that I would be a much better writer in my own language. I only have 3 followers (I love you guys and thank you for your lovely comments!) and it might never be more, but I will keep doing this, because it does me the world of good.

It made me giving up the guilt about bad days. That only leads to prolonging the badness. Yesterday I went 13 points over my daily limit. I worked at the football and the stupid Albions managed to go into extra time (first peace of cake plus sandwich). About 11.30pm I was still not finished (2nd piece of cake). Coming home about 12.30am I can´t just go to sleep, so I had two glasses of wine and another chocolate bar. But so what? It was a heavy day, with lots of running around, I worked out Sunday, Tuesday and Wednesday and I had some banked points (were actually for Saturday, but well...). Absolutely no reason whatsoever to go over my points again today.


So enough blabbering. Will go on the hunt for the blooming cable to get more pictures from the camera on here so that the newest picture is not already 8 months old.

I´m in shock!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I went to the WI for the first time after not being able to go for 2 weeks and...........drumroll.......music....... -6.5!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That is so much more than I expected. I thought that the chocolate laden flu and the rather spare stomach bug levelled itself out and being quite good for the rest of the week should have brought a loss. But 6.5??????? I´m down to 10st11 1/2. I´m officially healthy weight again and 1 pound away from my lowest 2 years ago.

My goal is to get a BMI of 22, which would be 10st2 (I think). It doesn´t seem that much, but 2 bad weeks have made me packing in before. But not this time!!!!

I can´t help but thinking: Maybe there was something wrong with the scales. Is that weird? The next WI will be quite stressy. I kind of expect a gain, no matter how good I was.

Oh god, just thought about it. I have to drop a point on my daily allowance. Bugger! But I should manage.

But no matter what, now it´s time for a little celebration and some well deserved wine!

X

I´m aching....AND GOD IT FEELS GOOD!

After 2 weeks of feeling rubbish, I finally did my first workouts again. Yesterday the fitness coach on the wii training the lower body (my thighs and bum are yelling) and today my first body combat class in about 4 weeks. And I feel so good for it. It definitely did my ligaments the world of good to give them the rest, because my knee was not aching at all.

I love the feeling a good workout gives me. I feel strong and good in myself. I love to see that I´m fitter then some girls half my age. Bit cocky, I know, but as you know, there´s not much that I feel good about.

Tomorrow is my first WI after being ill the last 2 weeks. I´m not sure, what to expect. The first week, with the flu, I ate lots of rubbish. Then with the stomach bug I did not eat much at all. I tried to track properly again for the past few days and did OKish (well, the greasy pizza yesterday together with 3 lagers was probably not the best choice). At least I didn´t have any bad binge attacks.

Will do some cardio before WI tomorrow and hope that I´ll see a bit of a loss.

I´ll soon load some pictures up as well. All the other blogs look so funky. I´m so no computer expert, so to spice this site up, is major work for me.

It doesn´t help that in this family I´m always the one with the camera. Every event looks like, I haven´t been there. Well, the kids take some pictures, but unless you´re interested in some close ups from my teeth or our coffee table I don´t think they´re worth uploading. Will have to get my beloved husband to do some pictures (how embarrassing is that?). But I hope that there will be pictures of me getting thinner.

So, time for couch and some nibbles, because I actually still got a few points left! Yippie!

Wish me luck for tomorrow.
X

Finally feeling better

God, it was a nightmare. First the man flu, which really quite knocked me and then I got a stomach bug on Sunday. Me, living on toast and yogurt, not able to face any chocolate! My dear lord!

I´m better now and I´m sitting here with a glass of wine and some chewits (still not quite keen on choc....so weird, but not really complaining) and my headphones on, listening to some old CD´s, I haven´t listened to in ages. I just don´t seem to find the time for that. I always seem to be behind the schedule, which brings a constant bad conscious. No matter what I´m doing, I always think I should do something different. I don´t even mention playing Bejeweled Blitz on Facebook, when I should do my mystery shopping (I check customer service on the phone, and test game websites. Yes, I get paid for gambling online!). I´ve got a bad conscious doing housework instead of spending some quality time with the kids (or the other way around), I´ve got a bad conscious when I go to sports and leave husband with kids, I´ve got a bad conscious for not working out. I´ve got a bad conscious not talking to my friends enough, I´ve got a bad conscious being on the phone to them for too long.... You get the pattern, a no win situation! Now my question:



IS IT A WOMAN THING OR AM I JUST A WEIRD PSYCHO?

I hear people say: "I´ve done my best." How does that feel like? I always and I mean always know I could have done better. It doesn´t help that I´m awfully unorganized. I´m always all over the shop, unfortunately sometimes not getting anything done at all.

As you know, I´ve got two little kids and I want to be there for them, so I don´t have a full time job. But I would have a bad conscious (here we go again) leaving Jock with all the responsibility to pay the bills, so I took on 3 (yes THREE) part-time jobs. That means for over a year I haven´t had a day off work. Even when we go to Germany to visit my family, I still have to check my answering machine and do customer calls (I do customer service as well). Don´t get me wrong, there are lots of days, when not much is happening and I´m mainly just checking, but it´s still always there.

It´s needless to say that this self-bullying hasn´t got a very good effect on my eating either. Like most of us (I think), I`m an emotional eater, plus the fact that I haven´t the biggest of self-believe, so there´s always the 'you´ll fail anyway' in the back of my mind. But I don´t want to give into this. Not this time. For me it´s not only to feel fitter and look better, it´s a matter of proving myself that I can finish something. But the same time, I don´t want to be too hard on myself again, if thing´s don´t go as smooth as they did, when I lost the first 2st after my son was born. Back then we only had one kid and I had paid maternity leave and I was still in my home country. Things are bound to be a bit rockier this time.

But I´m also aware that I should give myself a break and stop beating myself up all the time. If I would treat anyone else like this, people would call me a bullying b**. And they would be right!

So, is it a woman thing, or should I go and see a shrink?

I have man flu!

I´m snotting and coughing away and I feel very sorry for myself. God, I´m such a wuzz! It really knocked me over yesterday, so that I didn´t make it for my WI. Don´t think it would have been that good anyway, because I had my days again, when I lost control.

Yesterday wasn´t very good either, because feeling louzy always has a horrific effect on my eating.

I just had to stop myself from eating a full chocolate santa. At least I did, so suppose that is a good thing. Of course I can´t train, so I will just try not to make too much damage this week.

I´m not doing too well at the moment. When I loose control, it´s not just having the "extra treat", it´s "no stopping me". But I can´t really put my finger on the why. I´m trying hard to not loose my believe, because being too hard on myself only has the opposite effect.

Jesus, stop moaning woman! Sometimes I´m depressing myself! Everything´s going to be fine. I will do it in the long run! I will, I will, I will!

Fashion

It´s the time of the year again, when I get all the fashion magazines to get some ideas, what to get for the spring. Not that I could afford any of the stuff that´s displayed there. No chance I will ever spend months mortgage on a pair of shoes or a handbag (not in this life, baby). Talking about shoes: one of my goals this year is to learn to walk on heels. I actually was doing my housework in a pair of heels yesterday to get my poor feet used to it. Every outfit looks so much better with some heels, but so far I can only do very, very short distances in them and even that with arms spread out like a rope walker. Withing 10 min my feet are absolutely on fire. But I won´t give up, because I want to look sensational this summer!

But no matter how skinny (yeah, right) I get, or even if I´d stretch for a couple of inches, I would never buy these harem trousers. Even Naomi looks in them, like she was wearing a days old nappie underneath! But I want to be able to wear some nice cotton shorts, which don´t have to go down to the knee, because otherwise I´ll have this horrible look again, where the inner part sits so much higher than the outside, because the rubbing of my inner thighs slide them up. Not a nice look!

And I want to wear love floaty dresses without having to wear shorts or jeans underneath to avoid a nasty rash, from the rubbing inner thighs. Ouch!

Today I find it a bit harder again to stay on track. We still got a smartie doughnut in the house and I had such a battle with myself not to attack it, when I came back from the school run. But I made myself a bowl of apple, jelly and WW yoghurt instead (good girl!). Going shopping today was hard, too, but instead of grabbing any of the till sweets I grabbed a diet coke instead (you´re phenomenal!). When they say, go on then, treat yourself to a piece of cake or whatever, that is just no treat for me, because then I want more and it´s more torture than anything. I just had my last two WW bars and I´m happy that they were the last two! Tonight we´ll have salmon. Though I make a tomatoe-mushroom sauce an potatoes with it. I don´t think I´ll manage to save my 4 points today to repair a bit of the damage done on Tuesday, but I´ll try to stay in my allowance.

I went to step yesterday and my leg was pretty painful again afterwards. It´s so frustrating! I thought I was quite sensible in doing the easier stuff on my wii and I was pain free, but it looks like it was still too early. Wanted to go to combat tomorrow. Don´t have my hopes up, though. Will do my fitness coach stuff on the wii again tonight. It still seems to work, because measured myself and I lost 1 inch of my waist and 1/2 an inch each from my hips and my thigh. So I can´t be totally crap.

Well, what else is there to say? Thank god it´s Friday!!!! And I don´t have to work at the football tomorrow, so actually a free weekend. Will have to do some birthday shopping for my daughter. It´s her birthday on Thursday and I only got some clothes so far. How sad is that?

At least a good excuse to leave kids with the grandparents to spend some time with my husband (bet he´s extatic about the idea of going shopping).

So time to go! Hope I´ll have some good news on the weightloss front on Sunday.

Where´s the logic in that?

As you know, I had the best intentions for this week. And well, I managed the first day. I even managed to save the 4 points. I made a list what activity I had planned for this week. My fitness coach for the wii was planned on Monday, Wednesday and Sunday. Tuesday and Saturday combat and Thursday step and body pump. I did the cardio training on the wii and was really quite impressed, because it really had me sweating and my heart pumping (although I have to say, we had the woodburner going, which contributed to the sweat quite a bit.

But then yesterday I just couldn´t find the motivation for driving to the combat class. To be honest, I had a lasagne planned (which was gorgeous for 5 points) and I was so looking forward to it, so a slight soreness in my throat (I mean a real tiny bit of soreness) was reason enough to stay home. The logic thing to do would have been then to at least stick to my points. But OH NO, I decided that it is a great idea to stuff 4 french fancies, a cream egg, betzels and hell knows what in my mouth.

I know it´s because I was disappointed with myself and wrote the day off all together. At least is not bad enough that I do the same with the whole week. Today is good so far. I had an hour of cardio on the wii this morning and no slips so far on the food front, but the day is young. We have a kiddie birthday this afternoon and I don´t want to nibble on the chips or the nuggets.

I have to change the name of this blog, because it sounds so negative. Will think of something with a bit more umpff.

So I will go and look for my creative inner self.....

But I said 'No' to the cream

That´s about the only good thing that can be said about my food choices this week. Refusing the cream didn´t stop me from eating a double portion of rhubarb crumble, though.

Got the ticket at the WI today as well: +1.5!

Somehow I still thought: "Maybe I got away with it." Come on woman, get real! This week I swallowed so much chocolate and cake and wine and jelly babies and and and, that in a way I should be happy, that it isn´t any more.

And why? Hubby really messed up this week (he´s really sorry and I let him know that he so owes me a fabulous day out) that I tried to punish him in behaving Look-what-you-make-do. How sad is that! No need to say that it was myself, who I really punished. You silly silly mooh!

Of course the intentions for next week (no from right now) are the best. I will get my cooking books out, or have a look online for recipes and plan, what to cook for the week. Find that helps me a lot.

Should have a quite relaxed week ahead. I don´t have to do any calls for my mystery shopping till the week after and I don´t have to work at the Albions till the 9th.

Just leaves me with my German job. I work for a vitamin and food supplement retailer, who started marketing in Germany last year. I started out translating their website, catalogue, labels etc and now do the sales (taking orders, do the correspondence and whatever is needed). I do all of that from home as well, which of course is handy, when you have two little kids, but I never really have a day off. It doesn´t help, that I´m the most unorganized woman ever lived. I´m doing fantastic one day and get all sorts done, but the next day I run around like a headless chicken and barely manage to pick up a piece of paper over which I stepped 10 times already.

Good news is that I think I can step my exercise up again. Have been pain free for two days, so I´ll give combat a go again on Tuesday and hope that my ligaments stay calm.

So, time to find some yummy recipes. I am going to have a good week!!!!

Just a quick one

I´m having a really bad week. Already had 3 days, when I just stopped tracking and stuffing. My disastrous birthday didn´t help. Just took it for an excuse to feel really sorry for myself and go into What-the-heck-mood. But I don´t want to throw it all completely. I always did that, but I don´t want to this time.

I´m going to work at the football today. I will prepare my sandwich and take some snacks. My breakfast already was bigger than planned, because I nicked the jam waffle of my daughter, which she didn´t want to eat and ate it on top of my normal cereal. But that isn´t a catastrophy.

Of course no hope for tomorrows WI, but it doesn´t have to be really bad.

One little thing: I´m still achy from the wii (my fitness coach and the boxing one). I was doing it from Monday to yesterday, because I still can´t do any running or combat and I´m really surprised how much it tones. Sitting down on the toilet still makes me slump down the last few inches once I come into squat position....ouch!

Have a good weekend

Happy birthday to me!

This is the last year I´ll be honest about my age. From now on I will just stick. It´s my 39th birthday today.
And I think, I never had a more depressing one. I just want this day to be over.

My usually very lovely and caring husband told me yesterday that he didn´t have anything for my birthday. I´m not after any fancy presents, because we simply can´t afford any at the moment, but I really expected that he would have sat down with the kids on Saturday, when I was working all day, to make a card or something. So I was very disappointed and told him so as well, but also told him not to bother anymore. He still sneaked out, to get two cards (one for the kids and one for him), a bunch of sad looking flowers and a clothes voucher (most likely from the garage).

All year, I´m sitting with the kids, trying to make creative cards, but when it´s my birthday, he has to grab the kids, when they are already in bed to scribble the signature (only from my boy, because my daughter´s not 3, yet) on a card, he just bought 10min. ago. No need to say, that I´m really hurt. So just let this day be over.

But back to the weightloss. I had my WI on Sunday and I lost .5lbs, which I´m really pleased about, because this time of the month I usually rather have +3.

Today I already had a bit more cake than I should have, but it is my birthday after all and it´s only light sponge cake for 5.5points. I also did some boxing on the wii. I still can´t train as much as I want to, because my leg is still playing up. It´s a pain in the ...(leg). So running or combat is absolutely out of the question.

So, I better get ready now, because I have to pick my son up from school. Will take them to our indoor playground. This way I´m doing something a little bit special on my birthday and I´m not home when hubby comes home. I´m absolutely not in the mood for arguing either. So time to have some fun and burn some calories climbing and sliding.

God, I´m sick of this grey weather!!

I find this time of the year just depressing! You just can´t wait for spring to roll on, but it´s still ages to go. But I don´t want to waste time wishing for something else. The years go by so quickly and being depressed for 3 month is a real waste. Still hard to keep the spirits up.

My WI went OK. I lost 1lbs. I´m pleased with it.

This week the time of the month will start and usually I go absolutely crazy stuffing my face with everything in range, mainly chocolate. This week I´ve got a plan. If I feel the urge again (and I have to say I´m pretty amazed that it´s not happening yet, because usually it´s the whole week before the start) I will eat a whole pack of the WW bars without a bad conscious. This is still better than going for the higher cal options. That should be easily covered with my AP´s. Well, it sounds good in theory and hopefully I´ll manage to at least not put on. I easily put on 2-3lbs under normal circumstances and that is not just water.

I feel a bit weird, because I´m writing just for myself at the moment, but I want to keep on, because I got the feeling it helps me to stay on track. It´s harder to tell somebody else that I´m loosing control. For some reason, although I like going to the meeting and I finally found a leader who didn´t put me to sleep and seems to involve everyone and not only the favorite front row.

I just got my veg soup out of the freezer. I´m not really good with variaty in my foods. I always cook a huge pot full and have it most lunches with a sandwich and the scrumptous WW creamed rice. The downsite is definitely the gases building up in my body from the soup. But it fills me up and I just blame the kids. :)

I´m in week 3 now and thank god it´s still not too hard. Not that I wouldn´t like to accompany the telly with munching along for hours, but for the time being I still feel in control. Thinking about my last attampt a few month back, when I hardly managed 3 days and fell of the waggon every single week, this feels so much better. But I´m very aware that it won´t stay. But I´m determind to get to goal and to become a goldmember. I think I will set my goal weight to 10st 2.
That is still 15lbs to go. That might sound like a piece of cake for some, but it´s still battling the same demons.

So, I really should get some work done. That´s what I switched on my computer for in the first place :/

Why not having a munch and booze day the day before WI???

I don´t have just this little bit of naughties. No, I do it right. It started all at the football yesterday. We went to watch the Wolves. It was a birthday present for my husband, who´s a big supporter. Quite funny, because I work at the Westbromwhich Albions.

Although it must have been the poorest game of football I´ve ever seen, it was fantastic to have a day out and I was determind to enjoy myself. We went with his sister and her husband. First we went into an Irish club full of Wolves fans. I had 3 halfs of lager, which isn´t really bad. In the ground towards half time, with a seriously cold bum and really trying hard to follow the game (I don´t know, but I always miss the good parts, because I´m currently watching something else like how the row of stewards all sit down or get up from their chairs at the same time, valuating the status of boredom of the mascot and wondering what made this fan think that 4° is warm enough to just wear a T-shirt and no no no, please don´t take your shirt of unless you´re one of the players...yum). Anyway all the smells from this lovely rubbish food made me think, why not go for a giant hot dog. This thing was so huge and floppy, it was obscene! Don´t even want to think about how many points this dildo gone wrong had.

After the match and another half in the pint in the pub it was clear that I was over my daily points already. Back home, when the kids were in bed the Oh-what-the-heck mood kicked in and after lots of red wine, chocolate marshmellows and crisps I´m sure I had about 3 times the allowed points. Don´t think the Body Combat class in the morning was enough to justify that.

But if I´m honest, I don´t feel too bad about it, because hubby and I hardly ever do something just for us and I had a lovely day.

But now I have to face this afternoons WI. Pretty sure there won´t be a great loss. Will be over the moon with 1/2lbs loss and OK with ss or 1/2lbs on, because I was pretty good the rest of the week, although I only worked out twice so far. I had one session on the treadmill and I ran 6km at 9.6 km/hr for most of the time. I´m very pleased with that, because I haven´t done more than 5 before. Unfortunately my ligaments in my leg didn´t like it too much, especially not when I did the Body Combat class right the next morning. Ouch! What can I say, I´m starting to feel that I´m not 20 anymore, although I´m much fitter now than I was, when I was 20.

And I will give the treadmill another try right before my WI, trying to do a bit of damage control. My WI is in the leisure centre where I do my sports, so that´s very handy.

Wish me luck!

I´m a bit nervous

Hello everyone,

I´m Petra and I´m a foodoholic. I can always eat. Through WW I read a few blogs and I love them. Unlike the success stories, in which everything sounds so easy and straight forward, they show that the others go through the same struggles. Times when you just can´t stop yourself from binge eating.

So I decided to start my own blog, which is probably more for my own good, to help me to get through these phases without throwing the towel. I´ve never done anything like this and reading the other blogs, which are so funny and so perfectly articulated, I can´t help being a bit nervous. You see English is not my first language. I came over from Germany four years ago. I´m married to a Cannock lad. We met in Germany and at first we lived there, but with the birth of our son it was clear that he from then on will be the main breadwinner and it´s simply easier for him here.

The move was in the middle of my first WW attempt. To that time it felt fairly easy and I lost almost 2 stone. But I never lost the last stone. At least I managed to pretty much keep it off (sometimes more and sometimes less). I tried by myself, but it never got me very far. So I went to a meeting here. I´m not quite sure for how long. Let me just say this is the 3rd attempt in England. The last one was the most disastrous. I didn´t even manage to stick to it for one week, although I lost 1/2 stone to start with, but then it just went downhill until christmas time came and I told myself I better start in the new year.

So here I am, week 2 of attempt 3 and so far so good. I haven´t fallen of the waggon, yet and I feel quite relaxed. I decided to do it the way I did it in the German meeting four years ago. To that time large portions of potatoes were 2 points no matter how large and a large portion of pasta was 4 and lots of fruit like apple or pear are 0 points (of course only for 1). But I´m calculating everything with the fat in total not only the saturated, so many things are higher in points with this way of counting. As far as I know they changed it over there as well to something with weekly points. But I´m just trying to find the best way that works for me and this seems to be it. I lost 4lbs in my first WI so it looks like it still does. Need another 5 to be back in the healthy weight range. But of course I would like to go a bit further. My aim is to come down to an BMI of 22, which is about 1 1/2 stone away.

One thing that´s new for me is that I don´t check the scales in the week. Well, that´s not entirely true, because I do go on the scales sometimes, but definetely not every day, as used to be, and if to so random times with different kinds of clothes and various states of stomach fullness that I can´t really tell, if something significant has happened.

So now the dangerous time has come. It´s couch and telly time. Watching the Most Haunted live show. This is always my time, when I can constantly stuff my face. But at the moment the low fat hot chocolate seems to work to not go overboard with the nibbling. No chance that I leave it completely!

So that was it from me for now. I hope I didn´t do too many mistakes. You probably have noticed that I don´t have a clue about the English comma rules. But heyho.

So couch, here I come!!!!