Tuesday, 31 August 2010

Holding on to the old habbits

The time goes by and like a little kid, not willing to give up its favourite toy, I refuse to give up my food abuse.

Evening after evening I hit the sweet cupboard again and again.

I know to make a long term change, I'll have to change my eating habits for good, but somehow the thought scares the life out of me. For some weird reason, sitting there, putting more and more high fat and sugar stuff in my mouth, gives me a sense of freedom. It's like a little kid, who knows it's doing something naughty. It's surprising that I don't sit there sniggering. Maybe because I don't find it the least bit funny.

For a weird reason it started to become really bad, when I decided to lose this extra little bit. Before that I managed to maintain my weight in the upper region of healthy and as soon as I slipped into overweight I pulled myself together for a bit and was back to a 24 BMI.

But the last few months my addiction to sugary foods have become worse and worse. The only reason that I´m not heavily overweight is that I've been exercising loads. This fell away with my injury. I could not train at all for 2 weeks and before that it was only light versions. Now I got another 5 days to go that I'm only allowed to do gentle exercise and then I should be able to start getting my old form back.

But that still leaves me with sorting this addiction out. And there's no doubt about it, that it is an addiction. When I was younger and didn't have any kids, I was partying a lot which involved drugs and alcohol, but to no point would I have had allowed either to become an addiction. Maybe I didn't need to, because I already had mine.

The good thing with this addiction is, that cutting lose from it, doesn't mean that I will have to stay away from it forever, but it's still not easy.

For some reason I still can't see myself as someone, who really just has a the odd piece of chocolate or cake every here and then. Every single cell in my body doesn't want to let go. But why? My body doesn't need chocolate or cake. In fact my body functions much better, if I feed it healthily.

So I have to start with starting to believe that I can be that person, who doesn't let some stupid chocolate bar make her choices. I have to stop rebelling taking control.

I joined WW online again today. I never tried it this way and for now I think this online tracking takes so much longer than just writing it down, but hopefully it will get a bit faster with time.

I was pleasantly surprised, when the tracker showed that I´m allowed 29 points a day. I thought that they maybe changed something, but unfortunately I only put myself down as male. Doh!!

I want to make a change! I want to control my food intake instead of letting it control me!

It's just chocolate for goodness sake!


Saturday, 14 August 2010

Welcome to the world of injuries

Sorry for making myself so rare. I just wanted to spare you the constant: I'm back on track.... Oh no I'm not....This time for real.....F*'*'* up again!....

The last two month have been pretty frustrating.I still got the bursitis (finally went to the doctor and saw the triage). I tried to get it away with ice and low intensity excercise. I even had a full week of no training at all (we went to Wales). But then I did too much too early again and the pain was back. I'm booked in for a steroid injection on Thursday. I'm very, very scared. My GP told me, they would put me out for it, but at the triage they said they wouldn´t. A big, fat needle deep into the hip........

But I really hope that that will do the trick. But even with that I still have to be patient. My trainer told me, it could still take weeks or even months, before I will be able to perform fully again.

I know lot of people have a problem understanding my frustration. For lots of them excercise is anything but fun, but for me that is the only thing I do purely for myself. The rest of the time, I´m mainly mom, housewife (not a very good one), or doing my 4 jobs (I took on another translation job).

I love the feeling of satisfaction after a good workout and I miss that. At the moment they are doing the FitBrit in the gym. You have to do a string of workouts (rowing, shoulderpresses, squads with weights, 3km on the bike, jumping on steps, chestpresses, treadmill...) against the time. My trainer thinks I could compete against the best in my age group (he even thinks I could be the best). Although I'm not a very competetive person, I'd like to find out, if that is true. But heaven knows, when I will be in that position again.

It was my trainer who said: "Welcome to the world of injuries. How do you think how I felt, when I was competing for the country, and then had to stop?" He just started his sprinting again, after years.... But it did help a little bit.

No need to say, what all the frustration and and the drop from 5-6 days of excercise to 2-3 days excercise light did to my weight. I'm 11 pounds heavier from my lightest (which has been a while ago to be fair) and 5% in bodyfat up. A stepped off the scales very unhappy as you can imagine.

Sorry for being such a pathetic cow. Hope I'll light up again soon.