Sunday, 28 February 2010

What did I just say again?

This really hasn´t been a good week at all. I´ve been eating and drinking far too much and I´m not really looking forward for my WI today. I even had one of those days, when I was eating and eating and eating. I was absolutely concious about it. But I let myself.

I know, where it was coming from. I had a very stressy week, taking on too much work again. I will have to learn to say no sometimes. But at the moment I don´t really have much of a choice. Jock´s a bricklayer and the times are pretty hard. It happened three times, that the people he was working for didn´t have anymore work at the time. Fortunately it was never for long and it only took him a few phone calls to get back into work, but it was still quite scary. But spring´s coming and hopes are up that work will pick up again. But of course I try to help as much as I can.

Yesterday we had a first since we are parents. We were kids free for a whole night! Woohoo! We went to a 70's 80's party for the third year in a row. And let me tell you something: I never felt so old in my life! This year it was a complete different crowd. It was like parents with their teenage kids. More kids then parents. But we still had a good time with a McDonald afterwards. I know, I know. But come on! This was a day absolutely out of the ordinary and you have to have some fun sometimes!

Today of course it´s the normal 'After-drinking-carb-or-whatever-else-cravings'. We weren´t too bad though.

But having said all that and knowing, should the scale show a gain (more than possible) I won´t be jumping for joy, but I won´t be beating myself up about either. I look quite positive into the new week, because it should go much calmer. I´ll be able to plan much better and to exercise more.

So I better get on with my work. Want to get it behind me. And then I will go to face the music. Da da da daaaa.

Will let you know, what the damage was.

Have a lovely Sunday

Thursday, 25 February 2010

Bringing things into perspective!

I´ve just uploaded a few pictures and I have to say it put quite a few things into perspective.

When I started WW for the first time five years ago (god, doesn´t time just fly by???????) I lost 1 1/2st. I didn´t reach my goal weight, which would have been about just under a stone, because we moved to England, but I managed to maintain that weight quite well. Always when the pounds crept back on, I tracked again for a bit and managed to stay within that weight. It helped a lot that exercise always stayed a part of my life. So I was in a healthy weight range for most of the time, if not, just slightly overweighed.

Even when I had my daughter and put on quite a bit again, I managed to loose it, without attending any meeting. So just for that I can give myself quite a big pat on my back!

But all the time it still felt like I haven´t finished. My willpower wasn´t enough to go this little bit further. In 2008 I decided to finish it off. My start weight then was 11st3 and I managed to go down to 10.8 1/2 in 6 weeks. And then I had two bad weeks and that was enough for me to pack it in again. I mean HOW PATHETIC! But again I didn´t do too bad afterwards, because when I went back to WW again about a year later I weighed in with 11st5 1/2. That was last August. This time I didn´t do very well. In November my total loss was 2.5lbs. The highest loss I had that go was 7lbs. Frustrated with my lack of determination I decided to leave it over the christmas time. But I kept my monthly pass and right after christmas I started again. This time I weighed in 11st8. Again a bit more.

And I know now, this time I will go to the end. I don´t even really know, what weight this will be. It´s the thigh-stomach area, I´m least happy with. Well and I hate my boobs. I wish it would only be a pencil that you could stick under them. You can fit a whole pencil case with crayons and pencils in 8 colours, rubber, calculator and the lot under mine! But after breastfeeding two kids (not that I was too impressed with them before) nothing to be done there apart from serious surgery!

Thinking about it, there´s only one part of my body I´m happy with and that´s my arms. They are quite toned. That´s combat for you!

Anyway, there´s one big difference this time. I started this blog. I´m reading all these amazing stories. They make me laugh, sympathize or sometimes just leave me in awe. And most of all, I don´t feel alone with my struggles. Okay, there are the meetings and I like them, but when I´m really struggling, a 'You-should-do-that' just doesn´t help. I know the theory, but sometimes I just can´t do it.

I know this is not the most exiting blog. I doubt that I would be a much better writer in my own language. I only have 3 followers (I love you guys and thank you for your lovely comments!) and it might never be more, but I will keep doing this, because it does me the world of good.

It made me giving up the guilt about bad days. That only leads to prolonging the badness. Yesterday I went 13 points over my daily limit. I worked at the football and the stupid Albions managed to go into extra time (first peace of cake plus sandwich). About 11.30pm I was still not finished (2nd piece of cake). Coming home about 12.30am I can´t just go to sleep, so I had two glasses of wine and another chocolate bar. But so what? It was a heavy day, with lots of running around, I worked out Sunday, Tuesday and Wednesday and I had some banked points (were actually for Saturday, but well...). Absolutely no reason whatsoever to go over my points again today.

So enough blabbering. Will go on the hunt for the blooming cable to get more pictures from the camera on here so that the newest picture is not already 8 months old.

Sunday, 21 February 2010

I´m in shock!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I went to the WI for the first time after not being able to go for 2 weeks -6.5!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That is so much more than I expected. I thought that the chocolate laden flu and the rather spare stomach bug levelled itself out and being quite good for the rest of the week should have brought a loss. But 6.5??????? I´m down to 10st11 1/2. I´m officially healthy weight again and 1 pound away from my lowest 2 years ago.

My goal is to get a BMI of 22, which would be 10st2 (I think). It doesn´t seem that much, but 2 bad weeks have made me packing in before. But not this time!!!!

I can´t help but thinking: Maybe there was something wrong with the scales. Is that weird? The next WI will be quite stressy. I kind of expect a gain, no matter how good I was.

Oh god, just thought about it. I have to drop a point on my daily allowance. Bugger! But I should manage.

But no matter what, now it´s time for a little celebration and some well deserved wine!


Saturday, 20 February 2010

I´m aching....AND GOD IT FEELS GOOD!

After 2 weeks of feeling rubbish, I finally did my first workouts again. Yesterday the fitness coach on the wii training the lower body (my thighs and bum are yelling) and today my first body combat class in about 4 weeks. And I feel so good for it. It definitely did my ligaments the world of good to give them the rest, because my knee was not aching at all.

I love the feeling a good workout gives me. I feel strong and good in myself. I love to see that I´m fitter then some girls half my age. Bit cocky, I know, but as you know, there´s not much that I feel good about.

Tomorrow is my first WI after being ill the last 2 weeks. I´m not sure, what to expect. The first week, with the flu, I ate lots of rubbish. Then with the stomach bug I did not eat much at all. I tried to track properly again for the past few days and did OKish (well, the greasy pizza yesterday together with 3 lagers was probably not the best choice). At least I didn´t have any bad binge attacks.

Will do some cardio before WI tomorrow and hope that I´ll see a bit of a loss.

I´ll soon load some pictures up as well. All the other blogs look so funky. I´m so no computer expert, so to spice this site up, is major work for me.

It doesn´t help that in this family I´m always the one with the camera. Every event looks like, I haven´t been there. Well, the kids take some pictures, but unless you´re interested in some close ups from my teeth or our coffee table I don´t think they´re worth uploading. Will have to get my beloved husband to do some pictures (how embarrassing is that?). But I hope that there will be pictures of me getting thinner.

So, time for couch and some nibbles, because I actually still got a few points left! Yippie!

Wish me luck for tomorrow.

Wednesday, 17 February 2010

Finally feeling better

God, it was a nightmare. First the man flu, which really quite knocked me and then I got a stomach bug on Sunday. Me, living on toast and yogurt, not able to face any chocolate! My dear lord!

I´m better now and I´m sitting here with a glass of wine and some chewits (still not quite keen on weird, but not really complaining) and my headphones on, listening to some old CD´s, I haven´t listened to in ages. I just don´t seem to find the time for that. I always seem to be behind the schedule, which brings a constant bad conscious. No matter what I´m doing, I always think I should do something different. I don´t even mention playing Bejeweled Blitz on Facebook, when I should do my mystery shopping (I check customer service on the phone, and test game websites. Yes, I get paid for gambling online!). I´ve got a bad conscious doing housework instead of spending some quality time with the kids (or the other way around), I´ve got a bad conscious when I go to sports and leave husband with kids, I´ve got a bad conscious for not working out. I´ve got a bad conscious not talking to my friends enough, I´ve got a bad conscious being on the phone to them for too long.... You get the pattern, a no win situation! Now my question:


I hear people say: "I´ve done my best." How does that feel like? I always and I mean always know I could have done better. It doesn´t help that I´m awfully unorganized. I´m always all over the shop, unfortunately sometimes not getting anything done at all.

As you know, I´ve got two little kids and I want to be there for them, so I don´t have a full time job. But I would have a bad conscious (here we go again) leaving Jock with all the responsibility to pay the bills, so I took on 3 (yes THREE) part-time jobs. That means for over a year I haven´t had a day off work. Even when we go to Germany to visit my family, I still have to check my answering machine and do customer calls (I do customer service as well). Don´t get me wrong, there are lots of days, when not much is happening and I´m mainly just checking, but it´s still always there.

It´s needless to say that this self-bullying hasn´t got a very good effect on my eating either. Like most of us (I think), I`m an emotional eater, plus the fact that I haven´t the biggest of self-believe, so there´s always the 'you´ll fail anyway' in the back of my mind. But I don´t want to give into this. Not this time. For me it´s not only to feel fitter and look better, it´s a matter of proving myself that I can finish something. But the same time, I don´t want to be too hard on myself again, if thing´s don´t go as smooth as they did, when I lost the first 2st after my son was born. Back then we only had one kid and I had paid maternity leave and I was still in my home country. Things are bound to be a bit rockier this time.

But I´m also aware that I should give myself a break and stop beating myself up all the time. If I would treat anyone else like this, people would call me a bullying b**. And they would be right!

So, is it a woman thing, or should I go and see a shrink?

Monday, 8 February 2010

I have man flu!

I´m snotting and coughing away and I feel very sorry for myself. God, I´m such a wuzz! It really knocked me over yesterday, so that I didn´t make it for my WI. Don´t think it would have been that good anyway, because I had my days again, when I lost control.

Yesterday wasn´t very good either, because feeling louzy always has a horrific effect on my eating.

I just had to stop myself from eating a full chocolate santa. At least I did, so suppose that is a good thing. Of course I can´t train, so I will just try not to make too much damage this week.

I´m not doing too well at the moment. When I loose control, it´s not just having the "extra treat", it´s "no stopping me". But I can´t really put my finger on the why. I´m trying hard to not loose my believe, because being too hard on myself only has the opposite effect.

Jesus, stop moaning woman! Sometimes I´m depressing myself! Everything´s going to be fine. I will do it in the long run! I will, I will, I will!

Friday, 5 February 2010


It´s the time of the year again, when I get all the fashion magazines to get some ideas, what to get for the spring. Not that I could afford any of the stuff that´s displayed there. No chance I will ever spend months mortgage on a pair of shoes or a handbag (not in this life, baby). Talking about shoes: one of my goals this year is to learn to walk on heels. I actually was doing my housework in a pair of heels yesterday to get my poor feet used to it. Every outfit looks so much better with some heels, but so far I can only do very, very short distances in them and even that with arms spread out like a rope walker. Withing 10 min my feet are absolutely on fire. But I won´t give up, because I want to look sensational this summer!

But no matter how skinny (yeah, right) I get, or even if I´d stretch for a couple of inches, I would never buy these harem trousers. Even Naomi looks in them, like she was wearing a days old nappie underneath! But I want to be able to wear some nice cotton shorts, which don´t have to go down to the knee, because otherwise I´ll have this horrible look again, where the inner part sits so much higher than the outside, because the rubbing of my inner thighs slide them up. Not a nice look!

And I want to wear love floaty dresses without having to wear shorts or jeans underneath to avoid a nasty rash, from the rubbing inner thighs. Ouch!

Today I find it a bit harder again to stay on track. We still got a smartie doughnut in the house and I had such a battle with myself not to attack it, when I came back from the school run. But I made myself a bowl of apple, jelly and WW yoghurt instead (good girl!). Going shopping today was hard, too, but instead of grabbing any of the till sweets I grabbed a diet coke instead (you´re phenomenal!). When they say, go on then, treat yourself to a piece of cake or whatever, that is just no treat for me, because then I want more and it´s more torture than anything. I just had my last two WW bars and I´m happy that they were the last two! Tonight we´ll have salmon. Though I make a tomatoe-mushroom sauce an potatoes with it. I don´t think I´ll manage to save my 4 points today to repair a bit of the damage done on Tuesday, but I´ll try to stay in my allowance.

I went to step yesterday and my leg was pretty painful again afterwards. It´s so frustrating! I thought I was quite sensible in doing the easier stuff on my wii and I was pain free, but it looks like it was still too early. Wanted to go to combat tomorrow. Don´t have my hopes up, though. Will do my fitness coach stuff on the wii again tonight. It still seems to work, because measured myself and I lost 1 inch of my waist and 1/2 an inch each from my hips and my thigh. So I can´t be totally crap.

Well, what else is there to say? Thank god it´s Friday!!!! And I don´t have to work at the football tomorrow, so actually a free weekend. Will have to do some birthday shopping for my daughter. It´s her birthday on Thursday and I only got some clothes so far. How sad is that?

At least a good excuse to leave kids with the grandparents to spend some time with my husband (bet he´s extatic about the idea of going shopping).

So time to go! Hope I´ll have some good news on the weightloss front on Sunday.

Wednesday, 3 February 2010

Where´s the logic in that?

As you know, I had the best intentions for this week. And well, I managed the first day. I even managed to save the 4 points. I made a list what activity I had planned for this week. My fitness coach for the wii was planned on Monday, Wednesday and Sunday. Tuesday and Saturday combat and Thursday step and body pump. I did the cardio training on the wii and was really quite impressed, because it really had me sweating and my heart pumping (although I have to say, we had the woodburner going, which contributed to the sweat quite a bit.

But then yesterday I just couldn´t find the motivation for driving to the combat class. To be honest, I had a lasagne planned (which was gorgeous for 5 points) and I was so looking forward to it, so a slight soreness in my throat (I mean a real tiny bit of soreness) was reason enough to stay home. The logic thing to do would have been then to at least stick to my points. But OH NO, I decided that it is a great idea to stuff 4 french fancies, a cream egg, betzels and hell knows what in my mouth.

I know it´s because I was disappointed with myself and wrote the day off all together. At least is not bad enough that I do the same with the whole week. Today is good so far. I had an hour of cardio on the wii this morning and no slips so far on the food front, but the day is young. We have a kiddie birthday this afternoon and I don´t want to nibble on the chips or the nuggets.

I have to change the name of this blog, because it sounds so negative. Will think of something with a bit more umpff.

So I will go and look for my creative inner self.....