God, it was a nightmare. First the man flu, which really quite knocked me and then I got a stomach bug on Sunday. Me, living on toast and yogurt, not able to face any chocolate! My dear lord!
I´m better now and I´m sitting here with a glass of wine and some chewits (still not quite keen on choc....so weird, but not really complaining) and my headphones on, listening to some old CD´s, I haven´t listened to in ages. I just don´t seem to find the time for that. I always seem to be behind the schedule, which brings a constant bad conscious. No matter what I´m doing, I always think I should do something different. I don´t even mention playing Bejeweled Blitz on Facebook, when I should do my mystery shopping (I check customer service on the phone, and test game websites. Yes, I get paid for gambling online!). I´ve got a bad conscious doing housework instead of spending some quality time with the kids (or the other way around), I´ve got a bad conscious when I go to sports and leave husband with kids, I´ve got a bad conscious for not working out. I´ve got a bad conscious not talking to my friends enough, I´ve got a bad conscious being on the phone to them for too long.... You get the pattern, a no win situation! Now my question:
IS IT A WOMAN THING OR AM I JUST A WEIRD PSYCHO?
I hear people say: "I´ve done my best." How does that feel like? I always and I mean always know I could have done better. It doesn´t help that I´m awfully unorganized. I´m always all over the shop, unfortunately sometimes not getting anything done at all.
As you know, I´ve got two little kids and I want to be there for them, so I don´t have a full time job. But I would have a bad conscious (here we go again) leaving Jock with all the responsibility to pay the bills, so I took on 3 (yes THREE) part-time jobs. That means for over a year I haven´t had a day off work. Even when we go to Germany to visit my family, I still have to check my answering machine and do customer calls (I do customer service as well). Don´t get me wrong, there are lots of days, when not much is happening and I´m mainly just checking, but it´s still always there.
It´s needless to say that this self-bullying hasn´t got a very good effect on my eating either. Like most of us (I think), I`m an emotional eater, plus the fact that I haven´t the biggest of self-believe, so there´s always the 'you´ll fail anyway' in the back of my mind. But I don´t want to give into this. Not this time. For me it´s not only to feel fitter and look better, it´s a matter of proving myself that I can finish something. But the same time, I don´t want to be too hard on myself again, if thing´s don´t go as smooth as they did, when I lost the first 2st after my son was born. Back then we only had one kid and I had paid maternity leave and I was still in my home country. Things are bound to be a bit rockier this time.
But I´m also aware that I should give myself a break and stop beating myself up all the time. If I would treat anyone else like this, people would call me a bullying b**. And they would be right!
So, is it a woman thing, or should I go and see a shrink?