Thinking

I will spare you with telling you once again, that I couldn´t keep my fingers from the cake and the chocolate. Oops, too late. Well at least I spare you the details.

Maybe it´s time to find out, what triggers it. I´m not a fan of it, I have to say, because the first thought that comes into my head, is that these are just weak excuses. But there´s one fact: Is my life running smooth, staying on track is so much easier.

So what happened in the past two weeks. The most tragic happening was definitely the death of my best friends mother. She suffered from cancer and was facing her second chemo. She never recovered from her first and it went very quick in the end. We went to her funeral on Thursday. I lost my father 16 years ago. He suffered many years from a weak heart. Much of it his own fault. Heavily overweight, no excercise whatsoever, workoholic (absolutely no social life), strong smoker (until his stroke) and a choleric. Although I loved him very much, he was not the easiest man to be around and I have to say, none of us ever really knew, what was going on in his mind. I always beat myself up, for not grieving the way I should. In his lifetime I never managed to finish an apprenticeship. I think it was that I never believed I could live up to his expectations anyway, although finishing an apprenticeship was the only he had! How awful does it sound, but about 6 month after his death I started and finished my apprenticeship as a hotel specialist. It was like, him not there, expecting, everything came easier.
My mom, who never experienced a warm loving marriage has been with her boyfriend for many years now and is happier than she´s ever been.
So why am I shaken by sobs everytime I have to go to a funeral. I know, it´s not for the deceased, it´s for the ones left behind. So there´s still something going on inside.

So is it that, what triggers my eating? Don´t know!!!

There are a few more things that I´m not quite happy with at the moment, which involves working and the money situation. I mentioned that before, that I´m juggling 3 part time jobs. I enjoy working at the football, although the money is pretty poor. My job for the vitamin company pays the best, but not fish nor meat, as we say in Germany. The mystery shopping is a real ballache, but the minus on our account says that I can´t afford to pack it in. So what options have I got? It´s not until September 2011 that my daughter will start school, and I can go for a steady job. So I just try to stick in there and make the best out of it.

But not everything´s bad. I´ve got a lovely husband and two fantastic kids. My family in law is fab, and I was very lucky to find very special friends. I love our house. It´s nothing fancy, but it feels so much like home and it´s got a big garden.
So I don´t regret moving to England at all.

I also see the possibility that the whole problem´s just that I´m not 'overweight' anymore. From a medical point of view, and the view of most people around me, I don´t have to lose anything anymore. What will change, when I´m slim? First thing that comes into my mind, is not looking better, although that will be the case, or the feeling fitter. It´s more the achievement that springs into my mind.

One fantastic thing: I just loaded my MP3 player with lots of music. I will change into my running gear, turn the music on loud and try to figure it out while I´m running. And you know what? I will love it. I never ever have the time to just listen to music. Maybe it will bring some enlightment!

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