To go on or not to go on

The weeks go by and nothing is changing. My last day of tracking is 9 days ago. These 8 days were full of BBQ´s, fatty potatoe salads, alcohol, all sorts of sugary food. You name it, I had it and stuffed it down.

I just can´t find the motivation to keep my food intake under control. My emotional level swings between feeling absolute pathetic to being incredibly proud of myself, after finishing a killing training session and hearing that not many people are able to do, what I´ve just done.

I´m very tempted to just say that I´m happy with the way I look now.

With a bit of a cover up or the arm in the right position I think I look absolutly fine (of course nothing compared to my adorable daughter!).

But then there are other moments....

And then I see that there´s still lots of room for improvement. I´m doing all the right training and if I just had my eating under control, this belly would be nice and flat.

But I just don´t stop with this self sabotage. Day after day after day I go on, as if that was, what makes me happy. But it doesn´t. It makes me feel weak and idiotic.

I know that some of you ladies, who still have to go a longer way, say: "I would be well happy with that." At least I always did. But then again, why do I stop, when I could look even better. There´s not much more that I want to change (I don´t like the anoraexic look), so why don´t I just finish it? It´s like turning around, just before you cross the finish line. Why on earth would you do that? I´m not like that in my training. There I always finish (even though I´m moaning and winging).

My last training session was in the woods. I had to run up a very steap hill with 99 build in steps. And I had to do that 8 times. That is one of the things that apparently not many people are able to do and to finish off I had to run up a neverending hill, which if run up often enough, even makes my trainer puke (something I can really do without!) Professional athletes train like that. Of course they are much faster than me, but still, I was awfully proud after this session and was on a real buzz. And as I apparently burnt about 1300 cals in that session I had a huge BBQ afterwards.

We did quite a bit of talking in this session, and I said that I have to start thinking about, what kind of job I want to do, when my daughter´s in school. He suggested to become a personal trainer. No need to say that I was quite flabbergasted, although family and friends mentioned that before. In my head I was far too old to do that. For those who don´t know, I´m turning 40 in January. He said that there might be people, who would prefer an older trainer. And thinking about it, he might be right. My clients might probably rather be moms or people who are just interested in a slightly improved level of fitness.

But what kind of role model would I be? And do I really want to go to school with the 20 year olds? And most of all, what would I have to do?

But it is a thought.

Anyway, I actually started tracking today again and so far so good. Unfortunately I´m a bit injured again and can´t train (will still do my session tomorrow. He´ll find alternatives) and adding to that, my throat started hurting. My husband was really bad. I really hope, I won´t!!!

Have a lovely day everyone

XX