I can´t get no satisfaction

I had to take a bit time off again, because I was all tensed up and panicky again. Going into weightloss mode, does that to me, and it never works out well.

Result being that my scales showed me the horror number of 71.9kg (158lbs/11.3st) last Tuesday. For me that is A LOT! Remembering that I managed to stay around 68kg (150lbs/10.7st) for a long time and managed to go down to 65kg (143lbs/10.2st) to some point, even though it was only for a very short while.

Thinking back, when I started this blog was that I wanted to finish what I started. Medically I didn´t need to lose weight, but there was still a lot of room for improvement. And now I´m in worse state that I started. Is it just me, or is there something wrong with this picture?

Well, I have to take in consideration that I have quite a bit more muscle mass, but still, this wasn´t going to plan.



The first thing after seeing this awful number was putting this up on my goodie cupboard



It doesn´t take rocket science to figure out that my endless intake of sweet stuff sabotages all my good intentions. There wouldn´t be anything wrong with having a daily choc fix, if I could stop with one thing. But it never ever stops there. So 5 out of the last 8 days I didn´t eat any sweet treats at all. Everýtime I was tempted I was singing 'I can´t get no satisfaction' in my head, knowing that one would lead to more and more. And so stepping on the scale yesterday showed me the much friendlier number of 69.8kg (154lbs/10.10st). I´m pretty sure that also has something to do with water retention (TOM), because 4lbs less is a bit much.

So The Rolling Stones are my personal anthem now.

Oh, has anybody seen Biggest Loser yesterday (for the Americans, we´re always one season behind). They went to Texas to run a 5k with the people from that town. And one contestant ran the 5k in 21 minutes. 21 MINUTES!!!! I mean WHAT??????? That is an average speed of 8.75ml/hr. That is a bloody sprint for me! Honestly, I´m stuggling to hold that speed for a minute.

I ran 10k on my treadmill yesterday and my average speed was 5.1. Don´t get me wrong, I´m still quite proud of that, but....

After the last training session our trainer told us, that we really challenge him to challenge us and when he´s training his PT´s in the gym, a lot of them would struggle to do the things we have to do. After seeing this, I think he was just being polite or those PT´s are all a disgrace.

Thinking about it, showing somebody a move perfectly is not that hard, if you only have to do it once. Would it still look that beautiful after 40reps? I trained one of the mom´s from school, who´s been doing WW for years and years and as long as I know her, which is a few years now, there´s not a real difference. She hardly works out, so I offered her to show her some stuff. Wow, she was so unfit. She couldn´t even do a lunge. When I asked her to sprint, it was more a very fast walk. Anyway, of course it looked impressive, when I showed her the moves, but I only showed her.

When the weather is nice, I train in my garden now. I don´t care, what the neighbours think. When I´m doing my strength work it´s nice to have a bit more room than in my dining room. Hubby really has to start building the gym!!!!

Oh, and I´m so hooked on the horse riding again. I´ve got a lesson a week and everytime it´s getting a little bit better. I still haven´t found a horse to excercise, but the instructor asked around as well (how nice is that??) and there´s a good chance that there will be opportunities after the summer. My niece will teach me on one of their horses as well.

I might have to sacrifice my PT sessions, though, for the money. My trainer pissed me off anyway. It´s always last minute now and mainly on the weekends. When he asked last time for a session on Sunday, I told him that it would depend on the time, because I have to have time for family things. I got a text back saying: Get fat then!
I was furious! I know, he might think it´s funny, but I couldn´t laugh. Apart from the fact that in that week I had worked out 5 times already (as normal), it´s just out of order. So for now, I´m not in the mood to speak to him at all and even less in the mood to pay him.

That´s it from me for now.

This will be another sweet free day as most days in the week. Weekends are a bit different, but it worked last week, so I hope that it will again this week.

Love

Petra
XX

Weekend catch-up

I´m happy to say that I feel a bit better. I just have to accept at the moment that concentrating too much on weight loss will only backfire on me. So I will just chill. I will try to eat as healthy as possible and concentrate on the responsibilities that are simply there. Neglecting them will just add to the stress and lead into overeating. The more up to date I am with my work the more relaxed I am, the less I feel the need to binge.

Yesterday morning I concentrated on my housework and my jobs and went training in the evening. My friend and I did a Tabata class again. It was the normal trainer, who is the fitness manager of the gym. My god, he´s a tough cookie. A right Mr. Shouty! It was a fantastic workout and again I was happy to see that I´m able to keep up with girls half my age.

Although on Friday I felt so unfit. I did my first group horse riding lesson. The only free place they have is in the children´s group. Apart from me there was only one more lady, the rest were about 11! :-)

The instructor is very outspoken and doesn´t hold back, if you´re rubbish. Not even with the kids. At the end of it he said that it´s clear that my riding ability is not where it was, when I used to ride regularly and that it will take quite a while to built my riders strength up again. All this exercise, but horse riding acquires so much core strength. I can to plancks and sit-ups, but keeping your core tight constantly is a complete different matter. I will need to find a horse to ride, so I can speed the process up.

On Saturday we had our work do in Birmingham. This is how I looked like. I was actually quite happy with that.





We had a fab time, although it didn´t start too well. My friend Lisa and I decided to take the train into Birmingham, so we could have a glass of wine (yeah right).
Our husbands drove us to the train station, where we stood shivering on the platform, when a very cheerful lady announced through the loudspeaker, that our train got cancelled. ........... Eh, what??????

So I called Jock again, to drive us to the football ground, while Lisa called people from work, if there was still space in the taxis. Fortunately our boss offered to pick us up. Great offer, so we didn´t have to pay for a taxi.

We went to Jimmy Spice. A great place. All buffet style with food from India, Thailand, China and Italy. The food was gorgeous and no need to say that of course it did not end with one glass of wine. In fact we didn´t even bother ordering glasses of wine, we opted for the bottles.So decided not to take the train back, but stay and enjoy ourselves. She´s the same as me and desperately in the need of some fun. So when we had to leave the restaurant at 9pm, we made sure that the under aged all got picked up safely and then followed the youngsters into a club. Thank god the club we went to had a good mixture of ages, so we didn´t feel out of place.

After some time we separated from the young folk and went our own way. We had a right giggle. But then we reached the point, when it was clear that it´s time to go home. I knew the next morning would be torture, because not only would we lose an hour, but it also was my daughter´s horse riding lesson.

And it really was! OMG! No need to say, I was rather dizzy. Thank god, I didn´t feel sick. Hubby and son had to come with us, because having only slept for 4 hours, I was in no state to drive. Long story short, I made it through this long hour of walking and jogging next to the pony. But that was all I managed that day.

But it was worth it. To think about the last time I had such a night out, I have to think far back.

And it´s got another good thing. I´m still off wine.

Today I spent almost all day in front of the computer. I finished all my customer service valuation reports. YEY! Another shit job out of the way. So I´m actually looking forward to a PT session tonight.

On the food side, Sunday was a typical hangover-give-me-carbs-day. Yesterday and today were OK. I´m not tracking, I just try to make sensible choices and don´t let a treat turn into a binge. So far so good.

I would be happy, if I managed to lose 100grams a week, the ways things are going.

Have a lovely week everyone

XX

Life´s getting the better of me

Thank you again for your lovely support. I think your both right. WW is just not the right thing for me at the moment.

Every time I attempted it in the last year, I let it take over my life. I go into it, telling myself to stay relaxed, because I know, what happens, when I start stressing. But what happened every time? I started stressing. My life went completely out of balance.

Counting points and excercising takes up such a huge part of my day, that my other responsibilies get pushed to the side.

And being very honest to myself, I have to admit that I am stressed, because I put too many things on the backburner. And they just keep building up and building up.

In danger of boring you to death and getting a few 'You think that is a lot???'s I will talk you through my usual week. I know, my biggest problem is the lack of organisation. So doing this, might help working on a better time management.

As you know, I´ve got two kids under 7, so I usually get up at 6.30 and have breakfast with the kids, getting them ready, and if I´m good I manage to tidy the kitchen up, before we leave the house. Coming back I got about 2.5hrs, before I have to go back to pick my daughter up from nursery again.

First thing I always have to do is check emails and work phone, in case one of the companies I translate for needs anything done. This actually goes all through the day, that I regulary have to check, who wants what and have to make phonecalls to customers or translate. I usually work out about 5 days a week. So that takes up a bit over an hour, with counting the time for shower and getting dressed again. No need to say that in a household of 4 there´s always washing and ironing to do in addition to other chores. So no chance on earth can I cramp all this into this 2.5 hours. There´s always, always something waiting to be done. Workout obviously has to take a back burner, when the pile is just too high, which stresses me out in two ways, because I excercising beats stress, and if I want to lose weight, I need to excercise.

Coming back from nursery with my daughter we have about 3 hours before we have to go out to fetch my son, unless it´s Monday, because she´s got swimming at 2 then. Obviously we´ll have lunch, after she got changed. With preparing and tidying up after, that takes about an hour. And honestly I like to sit for a bit after with a cup of coffee.

Of course it wouldn´t be right to just put my daughter in front of the telly for the the remaining 1.5hrs to catch up with the other chores, because to this point the rest of the house is pretty much still a bombsite. So of course I have to make time to have a game of snakes and ladders or push her on the swing or whatever. And of course I have to check phone and emails again to see, if there´s work to be done. Most days my daughter hears: 'Mommy has to make a phonecall. Be very, very quiet, please!' Or she has to deal with a slightly stressed mother, because doing a translation, with your daughter constantly going: 'Mommy look....' is not that easy.

You can imagine at 3.45pm, when we come home from school most of the time the house is still a bombsite, but usually the washing is ready to go in (very often still lies there 2 days later, piling up to be put away, not to mention the ironing).

Of course there are play dates, which either mean the bombsite is still waiting to be cleared or is even getting worse, if it´s in our house. Thursday nights my son´s got swimming and so on and so on.

Then it´s time for dinner, getting the kids ready for bed and clearing the kitchen. By then it´s about 8 o'clock.

Saturdays are usually taking from the football. Either I have to work at it, or hubby goes to watch it. That makes Sunday our only family day, so I´m not spending it all day catching up on housework.

Next week I have to find another 3 hours, because I agreed to write customer service valuation reports for the Mystery Shopping company in addition to my agreement to go on a farm trip with the nursery on Wednesday from which we will be back ant 3pm.

That is my week without doing WW. I don´t know, how it is with you, but when I´m tracking, it takes up quite a bit of time, because somehow I also get distracted, looking around on the WW webpage, then reading blogs, writing it etc. Then you just 'quickly' want to check the points value of something.

All this results in more of my 'normal' responsibilites building up, which of course makes me very tense and once I finally place my backside on the settee results in sabotaging my weightloss, because I just want to numb the thoughts about all the things I haven´t done, not to mention that I´m just freakin' exhausted.

It also effects other parts of my life. Last night I dreamed that my husband left me, because of the lack of sex (sorry, if this might be too much information, but even that becomes one thing on the list, still to be done).

Tonight I´ll actually have a night out. We have a staff meal in Birmingham with the Albions. That is a first for me since I´ve worked there. My friend and I will take the train, because we want to have a glass of wine. It won´t be a very late one, because the last train goes back at 11.20. Being a supervisor you also don´t want to drink too much, because you definitely don´t want too act silly. I would really like to go for a drink in our town after we got back, but we´ll lose an hour tonight anyway, and my daughter´s got a horse riding lesson in the morning, followed straight away by a school organized picnic at 11am.

But I´d like to look good tomorrow. Plan was to be about 6lbs lighter by now, instead of only 1, but nothing I can do about it now. But I had a haircut! And I actually had a change. Look (that´s me trying to look fierce)






I´ve got a fringe!!!!!

Will take a picture before I go out tonight. Hopefully I´ll look as good as I hope to.

I´m sorry for this mega post, which might also be mega boring, but if I ever want to be successful, I´ll have to find a way to organize myself better that I don´t end everyday with just feeling washed out.

That´s why my weightloss actually has to wait till September, when my daughter goes to school. And I will be so selfish not to fill the time up with more work straight away. A decent holiday will have to wait another year (maybe half). Until then I will just try to be as good as I can right this moment. And if I´m lucky and I sort my head out a bit, I might even be able to lose a bit till then.

Have a good weekend everyone

XX

I could scream

I was doing OK. Not perfect of course, but I wasn´t aiming for perfection, because I had to learn that I can´t do perfect, but I managed to lose. I tracked for over a week and I felt so much better in myself. But then everything went absolutely pear shaped again. And it still is. I´ve eaten everything in sight and just couldn´t make myself stop, with yesterday being the worst. Usually it only happens at night, but yesterday it happened all day with ending in the worst binge since a very long time in the evening.

And worst of all, I don´t have a scooby do, why. If there are any underlying psychologigal problems or unusual stress, I´m not aware of them. Everything I can say is that I just wanted to, being totally aware how awful it would make me feel afterwards.

I´m not doing it in secret, I binged openly in front of hubby, who ate quite a bit himself, but nowhere near as much as me. I´m sure he did notice, but he didn´t comment on it. In my head I was screaming: 'Can´t you see, what I´m doing to myself here?' But what, if he had said anything? Would that have made me stop? Maybe it was a cry for help. Maybe, like my kids, I´m looking for boundaries. How childish it may sound, but I do rebel against being restricted to a certain amount of points. For a very strange reason, I even see the possibility that sticking to my point allowance would mean eating too little. That might come from a comment of my trainer, who said that WW might not be suitable for me, because I excercise so much. But so many of you do just as much as me, and still stick to their points and are of course successful. It only means that we don´t have to be quite so strict. But there it is again. Where is the boundary?

The first week I got away with eating all of my weekly points and some of my activities. So week two I started of the same way. And when I went on the scales on Friday, 3 days after my official WI day (I know, I know) I already gained. I tracked those 3 days and thought that would be enough, but I had to realize that that was not good enough. But of course I was pretty down and it was weekend, and....

Now, six days on, I feel very uncomfortable in myself. The gain is visible and I feel bloated and blobby.

The sad thing (well one of them) is, I just started to feel good about myself again. I already could feel and see the changes in my body. In my mind I could already see myself with a flat belly, really doing it this time.

Now I just feel pathetic again. I don´t want to feel like this. I know, I´m not alone with these struggles. I just have to believe that my time will come. The time, when I won´t go 1 step forward and 2 steps back. It should at least be 2 steps forward and only 1 back. I´ve already come to terms that it´s never gonna be a straight forward thing for me.

But I don´t just want to whine, because there were a few good things as well. We had a group training session on Sunday. We were out in the nature and it was just running up stairs and hills, and I did pretty good again. My friend only calls me the machine again. So I´m still strong in that respect, although I still feel my calves. On Monday I met up with my friend for a run. Again we did about 55 minutes. Not only did I get a nosebleed in between, I also felt my bursa again after. So I gave it a break for the past 2 days.

Plan is to go back on plan tomorrow. Failure is not to fall, but to stay down. Where did I hear that again?

I realized now, that doing lots of excercise makes only the one Kitkat or the one glass of wine OK. Not the box of French Fancies or the bottle of wine (or both and more in my case).

Tomorrow is another day....

Week 1 WI (Part XXXVIII)

You won´t believe, what I´ll tell you now. Honestly, I can hardly believe it myself. I TRACKED FOR A COMPLETE WEEK! Amazing, I know.

Okay, I wasn´t saintlike. In fact I used all my weeklies plus 13 of my 43 activity points. BUT I still lost 0.8kg, which is almost 2 lbs. Not bad, ey?

So am I going on? Hell yeah!

What other things were good this week? After the vino soaked Saturday, I had a really good Sunday. Not only did I not go down Carbs Hell, I actually had a full day with no sweets AT ALL. Yes you heard right. No choc, no cake, no crisps, no nothing. Who would have thought that possible?? And not enough, I did do some serious sweating. Although I didn´t do any strength, I went on my lovely treadmill and ran (pause for dramatic effect) 10k!!!! Okay, it took me 75min, but I´m still happy. Not too many weeks back, I could barely do 2 miles.

I also bought myself 2 Jillian Michaels DVD´s. I did the 30day Shred yesterday. I started with Level 1, and had a few moments, where I really worked hard. I mean starting with doing stupid amounts of push-ups... phew. I enjoyed it, but I´m not aching, and I like to feel a little bit of ache the day after I did strength work. So I will try Level 2 tomorrow. I had a look at it. I´m sure it´ll make my muscles scream (Oh god, how insane does that sound).

Today I met up with my friend again and we had a lovely run again. Loved it. My friend´s still struggling quite a lot, but she´ll get there in no time. She´s been excercising regularly anyway, doing Body Combat, Step etc. We did 55min today and she only had to walk shortly for 3 times. She just started running again, so that´s fantastic. And she triggered another great experience: she said: 'It looks so effordles, when you´re running', and asked me, if it really was. And I could only answer: "In this pace it is." And again I realized, how far I´ve come. What beautiful feeling.

I don´t know how long it will last, but at the moment I can imagine myself as this person, who´s strength is for everyone to see. At the moment I´m not scared to put my goal high. At the moment I´m not afraid to aim for my body to reflect the hard work. At the moment, 'okay' is not enough.

I know that from time to time I will break out again, because of the impulsive person that I am, but I hope that the break-outs will be rare and short.

Have a good week everyone

In bed with Petra

It´s Sunday morning 10am and I´m still in bed and on my 3rd (or 4th, but who´s counting) cup of coffee. My head feels a little bit tender after a bit too much vino yesterday.

After yesterday I have about 6 weekly points left, and there are still 5 days to go. But we had a lovely day yesterday. We went to friends in the day, because Jock was bricking up a window for them. The men were working, the kids were playing, we women were chatting and taking the kids for a lovely walk.

When the work was done, we decided to go to ours and order a curry. After dinner the kids were in their pj´s, watching telly in our bed and we grown ups were playing cards and drinking wine.

As expected the food intake throughout the day was far from optimum with having pizza for lunch, a French Fancy and some sweets in between (okay there was also fruit) and a big fat curry with rice and keema naan for dinner, followed by some to-die-for chocolate cake, our friends brought for dessert.

But I don´t feel the least bit guilty. I thoroughly enjoyed yesterday.

And I´m not digging into a big fry-up today, but started with some lovely porridge and a big platter of fresh fruit, which I nibble on (God, I´m so happy that you don´t have to point them anymore). The left over curry from yesterday is all hubby´s, the chocolate cake for hubby and kids and of course I know, what I have to do. Some serious sweating that is. Some serious, serious sweating. So I will put on my trainers and plug in the treadmill. Surprisingly the only things that are aching after the last PT session are my calves, so there will be a fair amount of squats and lunges as well, along with press-ups and weight training.

Will hopefully kill my headache as well.....

eye opener

First of all, I can´t not mention this horrible force of nature in Japan. All these people.... It shows you how powerless we are, when nature decides to give us an example of her power. My thoughts are definitely with all those people.

So now, how do I make the connection to the wonderful experience I had yesterday? Suppose there is none, but I have to tell you, because I´m still on a high.

Yesterday evening I went for my PT session. Since my PT started his new job as a fitness manager in another gym, it´s very hard to find matching times so I have quite big breaks inbetween. He only kept a handful of his clients (the good ones, as he calls it), so we sometimes do group sessions, which I really like, because you suffer together and you can even have a giggle.

Yesterday it was two of us. The other one being a young, fit male in his mid twenties. Thinking that at the beginning of the year, after being injured, I had to start pretty much from scratch again. But I didn´t give in and worked very hard to get my strength back and that mostly by myself.

And yesterday I saw that all this hard work and sweat does really show results. Not even was I mostly able to keep up with this 15 years younger, fit male, there were even quite a few things, when it was me, who had to do more reps. He even felt sick to some point. After tons of leg work we finished off with holding a squat position against the wall with a kettle ball in our hands. I tried that (without a kettleball), when I just started training again, and I could hardly hold it. Yesterday I was more than fine. Not even could I have gone on (it was only for 30 sec), but I had to cheer on this lad, whose legs were violently shaking. If he´d stopped, the trainer would have let us start new again.

And then it was time to hit the scale. I really didn´t want that, because I knew I hadn´t lost a lot of weight. But these scales show much more than just you weight. So I could see, that since the first WI this year I haven´t just lost 2.5kg, but I also lost a huge 4% of body fat. Unfortunately I didn´t keep the slip from the first WI, with all the numbers on it, but I do have the one from the 30th of January and in this time, although I only lost .4kg, my body fat went down 3%, which means 2.2kg pure fat and I also put on 1.8kg of lean muscle. The weight would have been lower as well, if I didn´t have 1.3kg of extra water in my body.

So even, when I haven´t lost stupid amounts of weight, I still did lots of good things to my body.

Our trainer was well pleased with that session. He said that that was the hardest he pushed us in a long time and added that he had the right two people for it.

I can´t tell you, how proud I am. This gave me such a buzz!

And to top it all off, the evening was not a typical Friday night. We did have some wine (hey come on, it is Friday after all) but I had only two small glasses. And after our healthy(ish) (goulasch with just a little lean beef and lots of veg with a small portion of Good for You chips) I didn´t dug into sweety cupboard, but enjoyed the lovely sweet taste of those beautiful grapes.

Another good surprise was, that I was wrong, when I thought I only had 4 PP left. I still went over my dailys, but nowhere near disasterous as it could have been.

Today won´t be overly good either, because we´ll go to friends and have pizza, but I´m not stressing over it. I´m officially under a 25 BMI again and I´ll keep on working.

So all in all, reality check or what? Unbelievable that not long ago, I thought that I was a failure. No, I´m not!!! In fact I´m doing pretty amazing!

Have a lovely weekend (again)

Amazing what a bit of sun does to you!

I just love, love, love this time of the year, when you know the first really warm day is about to arrive. I´m obsessed with the weather report. When will we have the first real warm day. So far it is not in sight, but it can´t be that long.

Doesn´t it just feel like waking up after a really long sleep? Everything´s coming to life again. I feel almost sickingly cheerful! It even cheers me up that the bed sheets are washed and hanging outside to smell absolutely adorable for when we go to bed tonight. And I hate housework!

On Tuesday I met with my friend for a run in the beautiful Cannock Chase. It was amazing. Once I was sweaty enough (which never takes too long) I took my jacket off and wow... this lovely feeling of sun on my skin.

Everything´s seems so much more positive. I even work myself up to the losing weight thing again. I even....drumroll.....started tracking again! Crazy I know. I realized that WW were still booking from my account, although I unsubscribed it. Cheeky buggers! But I thought 'heyho, maybe it´s time again'. It won´t be a surprise for anyone to hear that I´m using weekly points everyday, but I still got my activity points, right? I just had my lunch and I got 4 points left for the rest of the day. Not very good, but I just needed this second bread roll. But I was 25 minutes on the crosstrainer already and tonight I´ve got a a**kicking PT session.

I weight in on Tuesday and had to do it again today, because Friday was always my WI day and I still lost 1lb. So it can´t be too bad, right?

Being weekend I expect lots more weekly points being used, but I´m planning on working out every day.

As I said, I feel very positive at the moment.

And long may it continue!

Have a good weekend everyone

XX

Back in the saddle - literally!

This morning I had my second horse riding lesson!!!! My brother and sister in law gave me a single lesson for my 40th birthday and now I´m hooked again.

I used to ride a lot until I started it as an occupation. That spoiled it for me! And I´ve only been in the saddle occasionaly since my early twenties.

When I was about 18 or 19 I started an apprenticeship on a stud farm in Germany. It was a pretty famous stable and my boss was on first name basis with all the big German riders and took jumping lessons from an gold medal Military rider (that´s the competition that includes dressage, jumping and cross-country).

To start with I was in awe of everything. The horses were worth a fortune, even if they never had a saddle on their back, yet.

I loved it. But my confidence was in the cellar, though. I was by far the worst rider and my boss didn´t leave an opportunity to mention my figure and that it would be good for me to lose some weight. You can imagine how hurt I was and that I didn´t feel too comfortable anymore. Once, a girl who helped out sometimes, told me that he was slacking me and my weight off in front of people that have never met me.

By the way, I was only slightly heavier than I am now. To be fair, I was not too commited anymore and so my work lacked as well. To one point I had a huge shouting match with the stable owners son. Not smart!!! But I was young and confused and deeply, deeply hurt.


Will you be surprised, if I tell you that it didn´t end well? When I got a basket full of apples and oranges for my birthday and pretty much got kicked out of my room, I could tell that I wasn´t that welcome anymore. I never finished that apprenticeship and his last words to me were, that he had never met anyone like me before. Said by the man who, on a stable party, showed one of the farmers the way to my room, where I was asleep already, because: 'I thought you wanted that!' I could still shout: 'You fucking arsehole!!!' I got pretty close to getting raped that night!

From then on, I only rode occasionaly. I´m been on my nieces horse a few times, but nothing regulary.

My first lesson two weeks ago was a bit frustrating, because they put me on a very beginner horse and I was shattered just trying to make the horse move. Today was much better. There were even moments, when I had the feeling that things were coming together again and the horse went nicely. I booked in for another one in two weeks. Would love to go earlier, but it is very expensive.

And believe it or not, with all the sports I´m doing, my legs were quite shaky, when I came off and I wouldn´t be surprise, if I felt my inner thighs tomorrow. Of course it is not as intense as my usual workout, but we were outside and I had to take my jacket off, because I was getting hot.

I could have had a training session tonight, but I just got back from a kiddies birthday, and basically I´m too tired. Will do an outside one on Sunday and tomorrow I´ll train here.

Eatingwise I´m so lala (okay, I couldn´t keep my fingers from the kiddies buffet), but as I said before, I´m trying to get my mind into a good state, and I have to say, it´s getting less and less that I feel out of control.

My goal is to have the way of thinking of a natural thin person, because they eat what they want, when they want it. Food just doesn´t control their mind. If I set my mind into 'I´ve got to lose weight now', I promise you, everything I'll be thinking about is food - all the time! What to eat, when to eat again, how much, how many Points and it goes on and on and on. And then of course that I have to check my weight almost daily. The way I feel that day is dependend on what the number says. Have I lost I feel good (and very often, Oh-come on, you can have this bit more) and almost depression, if the number´s not, what I like it to be.

Where I am at the moment, I can´t let a number control my state of mind. I honestly know that relaxing a bit more does stop binge attacks. As I said before, after years of WW, my main meals are mainly healthy. It is the emotional binge attacks, which keep the weight on. I love being active, I love pushing my body, so at the very least, the weight shouldn´t go up as long as I work on being happy with the life I have right now. Don't get me wrong, I want and I will get rid of these pounds, that make me feel uncomfortable, but I´m prepared to give it time. As you told me, when the head is in the right place....

Have a lovely weekend everyone

XX

Just call me Mrs Sniffles!!!

Okay, okay, now it´s got me as well. I managed to make it undamaged through all the recent germ attacks that hit this house, but now finally it´s my turn. It´s not like I felt neglected, I honestly would have been fine, if they had ignored me for good.

But heyho, what can I say, I´m just too dammned attractive. So anyway, basically my head is full of slimey green stuff. And of course what comes with it? Lots of comfort food and no excercise.

But today I´m feeling a bit better (shows also in not craving lots of junk anymore)and tomorrow I will start with a jog again.

Two weeks back this would have put me into a panick, because not being able to excercise is a clear putting on situation. But I know that I soon will be able to blast it again and I will. The 5.5 mile is waiting to be completed and the amounts of squats have to be increased. My favorite ones are the ones, when I got a step between my legs (on the floor of course) and I do speed intervalls with the bum touching the step - quickly straighten legs - back down as fast as possible for 20, 30 or 40sec. Than little rest again and so on. You don´t really need the step, but it helps me to go down quite deep. And it doesn´t have to be for long, but I promise you´ll feel your bum, front and inner thighs for the next few days. Why don´t you try in out?

Ha, found a video!

Have a good week everyone

What are you favorite excercises. Could do with some good ABS workouts, because simple sit-ups are just not doing the trick anymore.

Happy squatting everyone!

Enough of the self beatings!!!!

First of all I want to thank you again for your comments. I really needed them. If somebody else would put themselves down so much, I probably would give them a slap!

You are so right that is about time that I give myself some slack. This post will be about the things that I do well!

Immediately there´s a big BUT building up in my brain, but this time I won´t let it.

First of all, having this constant bad concious that I´m not good enough as a mother. I´ve got two absolutely brilliant kids. Here they are:






Aren´t they gorgeous???

They are both extremely loving, funny and smart. Most of all they are happy! They are growing up in a loving environment and we try to do lots of things with them. We don´t have lots of money, but we do our best that they still experience things. They both have swimming lessons, Kenny played football, but I will put him in the school session (it´s free and the other was too full. He´s very shy) and Amber just started horse riding lessons. She loves it and I had one, too! My sister in law gave it to me for my birthday. I will take some more, when the money´s there. I used to ride a lot, when I was younger. We might not be able to afford big outings all the while, but we take them out into the nature or meet up with friends.

And thinking again about being a bad role model... I show my kids to be active and to excercise. They always say: "Mommy, we´re doing sports!"
Jock and I show them a loving relationship and trust, while still having a giggle.

I chose to be with my kids, as long as they are little, but I´m not just sitting there, expecting hubby to do the providing all by himself. So I try to help as much as I can. I still work at the football and look after the German customers for two companies by now. And by the way, I´m pretty damned good at all of that as well.

And coming to my weightloss journey. Okay, I lost my way a little bit, BUT although I put on quite a bit again, I´m still nowhere near where I used to be and I know for a fact, that I won´t go there again. Why? Because there are some changes that are simply not reversable. First of all my love for excercise.





Even when I have draw backs through injury, I will never give up. I´m working very hard to get my strength back. I just finished my longest run post injury run of 5 miles.






And I will keep on working on it, because that is, when I feel my strongest. Two of my friends and I will have our weekly outdoor runs again. There are already two 10k´s planned (one of them a mud race - Yippie - not).

And so what, if I don´t have right frame of mind at the moment to be in control of my entire food intake. Big parts changed for good as well. I only have to get my evening munches under control. Putting my mind at ease will be a big help! Maybe it really has to wait, till my daughter goes to school in September and I´ll have a bit more time for myself. I´m gonna treat myself for this time and won´t go for more work straight away. I deserve it to concentrate on myself for a bit. I will still try everyday to make good choices, but I will give myself the time to get my mind right. I will get there again! Anything else is not an option!

Wow, this does feel better. I listen to people blowing their own trumpet so many times, and I just think: "Good for you!" So time to say: "Good for me!"

Have a good weekend everyone

XX

Learning process

This is the second attempt to write this blog. The first attempt was mainly the big question: "Why can´t I keep it up?"

Self analyzing my lack of motivation, my withdrawal from responsibility, self doubt and all that comes with it.

And then I read Linz´s blog to find that she as well struggles with finding the motivation. Unfortunately I don´t have the answer, as I can´t find it myself. I just can´t see, how my life will be much different from what is now. I´ve got the lovely husband, lovely friends, hobbies and I like to think that I´m not cursed with ugliness. The only thing I could think of, of the top of my head was that the clothes will be a bit more figure hugging again, instead of mainly floaty.

And then I remembered, when I first started WW so many years back. I was happy then too. I found my man already, so it was not the case of: "Once I´m thin, I´ll find true love". Or just in general that life would get much easier. To be honest, I didn´t think about it very much at all. My friend asked me, if I wanted to go to the meetings with her, and I said: "Yeah, why not." And I honestly can´t remember any major struggles. I went from a BMI of 30 to a 23.5 in about 4 months. I just did it. I tracked most days with hardly any off days, made excercise a constant in my life and was more like: "Wow, this really works. It doesn´t get any easier then this, when it comes to weightloss."

And I discovered a completely different life. All of a sudden I was not the podgy one anymore. Going out was completey different. People didn´t recognize me anymore. Men who ruled me out before, just because of the pounds were more then keen all of a sudden. Well tough titties mate. Too late!!! But more then anything, I felt just free. I got rid off the instant judgement people make about you, because you carry a big weakness around for everyone to see. And I didn´t like that one little bit.

And now I got the feeling that I´m slowly going back there. Doing good for a bit, but never for long. I´m still nowhere near, where I used to be, but if I don´t get a grip, I will be.

The thought for the last years was to finish what I started. Again it´s hard to see, how that will change my life, but one thing is for sure, it will change the way I see myself. My life is full of things that I didn´t pull through, because I would never be able to do it. Very often partnered with the fear of embarrassing myself. Starting from an early age finding excuses to get out of sports days, later not finishing job trainings, going for promotions, organizing parties and so much more. And I know it´s so unbelievably silly, but it takes me forever (and longer) to get over failing.

Maybe, when I first did WW, I didn´t make a big fuzz about it. Not many people knew, because I actually was a bit embarrassed to start with, because I never got into contact with it before. So I only did it for myself and if I´d failed nobody would have known. so it was the way around, I surprised people with 'suddenly' being thin(ish). And even better when I later came over to Germany, still looking that way.

So blogging might not be the greatest idea for me, but I have to overcome those demons. I´m aware that my biggest inner demon is my selfdoubt. I know that I´m capable of so much more, if I only lost the fear of failing. That goes for so many areas in my life.

I find it even more scary, because I want to teach my kids that they can do anything in life, if they work for it. I want to teach them that sometimes things don´t go straight like we want them to, but if your consistent and don´t give up, you´ll get there in the end. But how can I teach them, when I´m such a pityful rolemodel?

Both of them are such smart, good natured and charming kids. They should have the world at their feet. But if I teach them to run away, because something doesn´t go quite goes as smooth as hoped for, they will never live to their potential. I want to teach them that things take time and work and that everybody fails sometimes, but that this is not a flaw, just how life goes. That is not important how good you look compared to others, only that you try your best, and if you haven´t to do it better next time.

Looks like we have to learn together.

Have a good week everyone

XX

How to get the best out of your workout

I've been reading quite a bit about working out lately. I even got some books out of the library, just to get some inspiration to keep my home workouts interesting.

More and more often do I read, that it's not the hour long cardio, which will make your fat melt away and giving you a strong body, that it's rather the short full out bursts that will keep your metabolism raging for a long time. It does make sense, when you compare the bodies of the skinny marathon runners with the überathletic sprinters.

I mean apart from the fact that I don't have time to spend hours on end training (one of the reasons why I don't want to run a marathon), I do understand that bigger muscles burn more calories all day round. For muscles to grow, they have to be put under stress to be forced to up their performance. That means you have to ache afterwards.

I'm by no means an expert in these things, but I try to educate myself a bit in that area. It also makes sense to me, that when your doing the same thing over and over again, that your body gets used to it and just hits a plateau.

So what do I get out of that for myself? For me still the main factor is that it stays fun. So I will still do gentle jogs. I have to anyway, because I have to train up for the 10k in the summer, and I don´t plan to break any records. But I also try to do at least two days of full body workouts, which should give me some sore muscles the days after. To get them I understand that it´s no use to two million reps with miniscule weights. I rather put on my tabata timer and go full out in these intervals. The same with the cardio. Going full out, short rest, full out aso.

The funny thing is, the thing I got the most problem with, is giving the muscles the recovery time. Another thing I read is that the muscles need 48hrs to recover. That would mean 2 full days of rest between workouts???????? Sorry can´t do that. I was quite proud of myself to have 1 complete day yesterday after my PT session on Sunday, which definitely resulted in sore muscles.

So, time for me to shoot. I´m working at the football again tonight. That means sleep deprivation again. I hate not getting my 8hrs! But it´s the only midweek game in a while, so I suppose I´ll survive. And looking at my credit card bill and the big red number on our account, I don´t have much of a choice anyway.

Oh, one good thing to finish. When I went on the scales with my PT, I lost over 2kg and over 1% bodyfat. I´m happy with that, especially considering it was my birthday week.

Happy weightloss everyone

XX

Early morning workouts and psychic parties

Yesterday I started my day again with my favorite workout. The one right after getting up. Well okay after my first 2 cups of coffee. I can´t do anything before my caffeine fix. I´m a Gilmore girl in that way (my favorite television program).

Anyway, apart from the fact that they say it´s 3 times as effective, because it hits the stored fat straight away, not having any carbs to burn in you, it makes the rest of the day so much easier.

Yesterday I didn´t get up as early as I wanted, so I only had 30min. In that time I did the 15min speed program to warm up on the treadmill (only did 12 off them, leaving the walking part at the end. Than:
Wide stence squats for my inner thighs with up-rows with 10kg in each hand 30x
Normal squats with shoulderpresses with 10kg 40x
On Step-knee lift-down lunge with 5kg in hand 15 on each leg
Combination of front plank with bum up and down 15 times holding for 10sec into side plank arm reaching up and around waist 20 holding arm up, back into front plank and same on other side. Both sides twice.
And bycicle curls 100x

That left me super energized for the day.

I needed that, because I had to prepare for my psychic party in the evening. In December my husband and I went on a ghost hunt. Two of our nieces are very into that and are complete believers. We always liked Most Haunted (well up to this weird artist medium), and even wanted to see a show. We already had the tickets, but then they cancelled everything. We went to this old scruffy pub in Rugely, where there used to be a doctor who poisened people for the insurance money (that is a historical fact). I have to say, I am quite sceptic and most of the time I just had a giggle. We did Ouiji (is this how you spell it???) and table tipping. I have to admit the table tipping was impressive, because this table was spinning on one leg, that we had to run round the table. This can´t have been a trick, because we were carrying this little table around with us, but if it´s really a ghost doing that...? Well, who knows. Although when we went down to the cellar it became spooky. You heard beer barrels being moved, although nobody was there and we all heard a very loud spooky noise calling out 'Elsie'. That of course could have been a trick.

Anyway, this medium does psychic parties and I invited her for two of my friends and my two nieces. She did psychic cards (no tarot cards, not that it makes a big difference for me), and she took jewelery from us to see what it tells her. For some things fit very well, for one of my friends and me rather not. My cards could have meant everything and nothing and what she got from my wedding band didn´t get me very excited either. There were things about driving on the wrong side of the road (well, she knew that I´m German and we do drive on the other side of the road), asking me if I ever was on a cruise (well the picture by the fire with my family surrounding a ships captain could have been a give away), and the year 2006 (again our wedding picture with the date on it, could have led to that question). So you can imagine, I´m not jumping up and down with excitment, although she really did some good hits with my friend, which weren´t obvious at all.

I wanted to believe and it would have been nice, if there would have been some messages from the other side. Especially for my one friend, who lost her mom last year and maybe my father saying hi. But at least she was honest in that way, that she didn´t come up with b******* and just said she couldn´t sense any spirits.

Of course there was quite a bit of wine involved, so today was a very lazy day. I don´t have to comment on the food side, because that´s the typical after a boozy night, starting with bacon rolls and finishing the birthday cake. I had half an hour on the treadmill though and even upped the speed to 8.2mil/hr. Of course not where I used to be, but I rather up it steadily than ending with torn muscle fibre again.

Tomorrow I got a training session. I should be able to perform a bit better again.

We have to go to a party tonight, although we really don´t want to. Will be a short one, because apart from having no interest, I don´t want to drink.

Have a good weekend everyone

XX

The big 40!

It´s finally there. I´m forty!!! And you know what? No depression in sight! I´m not gonna have a big bash. In fact this day goes pretty much like any other. After bringing the kids to school, I had a surprise phone call from Germany from an ex fling. That was a very nice surprise. After chatting for an hour I went on my favorite birthday present. My treadmill:




I set the timer for 50 min. I walked to minutes to warm up and than ran with an between 5.5 and 5.8 ml/hr. I got interrupted by my mobile beeping a few times, but I always stopped the treadmill, so that I still ran 48 minutes and did 4.4miles. This is how I look afterwards. Pretty soaky!




Then shower, picking up my daughter to go to a lunch date to one of her nursery friends.

Afternoon will be play date with two of my friends in our favorite indoor playground. And there will be lovely cake. Evening will be relaxed with ASDA pizza.

The only thing I´ll do for my birthday will be a psychic party on Friday. I´m sure that´ll be a laugh. Oh and then on Saturday my in-laws will have the kids over night, so that hubby and I can go to a party. Much prefer it that way, because just the thought of organizing a party gives me the shudders.


I can easily say the thirties were the best time of my life. I finally learned to feel more content, I met my wonderful husband, had my absolutely fantastic kids, moved country, bought a house and made beautiful friends. And I shouldn´t forget that exercise became a constant part of my life. Now that I got everything here, I really can´t make myself to not train. My one and only rest day, was still started with the 15min speed program on the treadmill.

I´m even using my weights, because I know, I have to work on strengthening the muscles, if I want to stay injury free. When I want to do a good session, I make myself a plan, to which I stick. On Saturday it contained Warm up (15min speed program L6 - max speed 7mi/hr, step - step up, knee lift, lunge with weights 20x, 30 squats with weights, squat-jump over step-squat 20, holding squat position against wall for 40sec. Than I did a Tabata 40:20 that I downloaded. That means 40sec strenous work, 20 sec rest. I did 4 sets each of Up-Downs, Shoulderpresses, Bicepcurls, chestpresses, sit-ups, plank with lifting bum up and down and quick step ups on step.

That all took me about an hour with the cool down. I´m still nowhere near my old strength. For example holding the squat position or planks. I used to be able to hold a plank for ages. Well I will get there again.

So roll on fourties! I´m ready. See, if you can top the thirties!

Have a good week everyone.

XX

Okay, I did it!

I've cancelled my Weight Watcher subscription! I had to find a way, which let me change my ways for good. For quite a few years WW was the way for me to stay in a healthy weight range, although I always wanted to lose this little bit more. Sometimes I got close, but never for long. But in the last year it really backfired. When I decided to live it, I thought of nothing else but food. What will I eat, how many points, saving enough points for the evening munch. Most days I was good in the day, but went beserk in the evening.

So I had to rethink. Stress is one of the main reason's for my binge attacks. And all the measuring, weighing, counting, planing and tracking just added to the stress. I usually left some points to allow the nibbles at night, but more often then not I didn´t stop when I should have, even to the point that I made myself sick. I knew that it´s wrong and it´s going too far, but I just couldn´t reign myself in. So the solution is quite simple: DON'T EVEN START!

So that´s what I´ve been doing for the past week. I had my dinner, sometimes with or without a desert and that was it. Of course that does take willpower as well, but not nearly as much, as stopping myself.

In the day I pretty much eat what I want. That of course doesn´t mean, that I eat pizza all day long, but if I feel like it I have it, without thinking about, how I have to leave something else. In fact I had pizza twice this week and not the skinny ones. I also had muffins, choc, waffles, chips and so on. Although usually my main meals are rather healthy. Years of WW taught me well there.

The one thing I´m doing to lose the pounds is excercise, which means doing something I love! It feels so good that I can push myself again. I did some kind of workout everyday. I got it much easier in that way now too, because I got everything here, including a crosstrainer and a treadmill (oh, my two beauties!!!). I can´t tell you, how chuffed I am with them!

That gives me so much more freedom, because I always had to decide what I get done in the 2.5hrs in the morning, when I´m kid´s free: either I work and do the housework, or I go to the gym, which always left me with some kind of bad concience, hence more stressed! Now I can just put in half an hour or a full one, when it fits the day. I still go to the gym, and I still run outside, but I´ve got the choice.

And now the funny thing. I lost 4lbs in this week. Absolutely stressfree!!! And this doesn´t give me the feeling, like I can go a bit crazy, or like 'rewarding myself' because I really, really don´t deprive myself of anything. And I don´t feel the need at all to kill a box of chocolates tonight.

I am convinced that this is a way of life I can live for good. Just normal!

I don´t set myself a goal weight, or in what time I want to lose a certain amount. I rather got in mind, how I want to look and feel.

And just taking the stess out, really makes me feel very good!

Have a good weekend everyone!

XX

Has it really been that long??????????????

OMG! It really doesn´t feel like it, but the last time I blogged it was summer!

And I just saw that I received an award! Thank you so much, but I really don´t think I deserve it. I haven´t been doing well at all!

I caught up on a few blogs and it´s lovely to read that you´re all still there and going. I had to take a break, because the more I stressed about the food, the binge attacks got worse. At the moment I´m not tracking or counting points. The only thing I´m doing is upping my excercise again.

I was struggling with injuries for the wole year. I finally managed to get rid of the bursitis. The steroid injection didn´t work, but I´ve been seing a sports therapist (my Mr. MagicHands) and it was finally gone. But silly buddy me, didn´t give it enough time and after my first longer run outside I thought it would be a great idea to finish with a sprint....bad, bad, bad idea. Torn fibres in the thigh. Ouch and another 6 weeks recovery. But I like to think that I learned my lesson now and I work on building up the muscles again and listen, when my body says, it´s enough for now.

Even my trainer goes a bit easier on me at the moment, which is so not like him. So New Year resolution: Get old fitness back without making more damage.

It´s the big 4 0 for me this month and my lovely husbands wants to build me my own little gym at the bottom of the garden! How cool is that?? I already ordered a treadmill, a bike/crosstrainer, a step and bought weights, a gym ball and boxing gloves and pads, although he hasn´t even started building yet. It´ll all have to live in the dining room for now. Will hopefully be an inspiration for him to get started soon. :-)

At the moment you see so many weight loss programs on TV. And one big part is always the mental issue. Yesterday evening I sat on the couch and wrote down a few of mine, which I won´t bore you with. But all in all I got a very poor opinion about myself, which I know is not healthy. Even if I want to say something good about myself, it always comes with a big 'BUT'. Blowing my own trumpet just makes me cringe. I know that it is very possible that the reason behind that is, that my parents were not big friends of praising. But it makes sense that the reason behind my evening binge sessions are, that when it´s time to calm down, I just feel like a failure and try to numb that feeling with food.

Result: officially overweight again.

But I´m still not ready to give up. Plan for now: no food after 7pm (started yesterday), lots of excercise and working on my self-esteem.

So every evening now, instead of concentrating on all the things I didn´t manage to do that day, I will write down, what I did manage and what I did well.

Sounds good eh?

Hope you forgive me for making myself so rare. I will be back!

Have a good week
XX