This is the second attempt to write this blog. The first attempt was mainly the big question: "Why can´t I keep it up?"
Self analyzing my lack of motivation, my withdrawal from responsibility, self doubt and all that comes with it.
And then I read Linz´s blog to find that she as well struggles with finding the motivation. Unfortunately I don´t have the answer, as I can´t find it myself. I just can´t see, how my life will be much different from what is now. I´ve got the lovely husband, lovely friends, hobbies and I like to think that I´m not cursed with ugliness. The only thing I could think of, of the top of my head was that the clothes will be a bit more figure hugging again, instead of mainly floaty.
And then I remembered, when I first started WW so many years back. I was happy then too. I found my man already, so it was not the case of: "Once I´m thin, I´ll find true love". Or just in general that life would get much easier. To be honest, I didn´t think about it very much at all. My friend asked me, if I wanted to go to the meetings with her, and I said: "Yeah, why not." And I honestly can´t remember any major struggles. I went from a BMI of 30 to a 23.5 in about 4 months. I just did it. I tracked most days with hardly any off days, made excercise a constant in my life and was more like: "Wow, this really works. It doesn´t get any easier then this, when it comes to weightloss."
And I discovered a completely different life. All of a sudden I was not the podgy one anymore. Going out was completey different. People didn´t recognize me anymore. Men who ruled me out before, just because of the pounds were more then keen all of a sudden. Well tough titties mate. Too late!!! But more then anything, I felt just free. I got rid off the instant judgement people make about you, because you carry a big weakness around for everyone to see. And I didn´t like that one little bit.
And now I got the feeling that I´m slowly going back there. Doing good for a bit, but never for long. I´m still nowhere near, where I used to be, but if I don´t get a grip, I will be.
The thought for the last years was to finish what I started. Again it´s hard to see, how that will change my life, but one thing is for sure, it will change the way I see myself. My life is full of things that I didn´t pull through, because I would never be able to do it. Very often partnered with the fear of embarrassing myself. Starting from an early age finding excuses to get out of sports days, later not finishing job trainings, going for promotions, organizing parties and so much more. And I know it´s so unbelievably silly, but it takes me forever (and longer) to get over failing.
Maybe, when I first did WW, I didn´t make a big fuzz about it. Not many people knew, because I actually was a bit embarrassed to start with, because I never got into contact with it before. So I only did it for myself and if I´d failed nobody would have known. so it was the way around, I surprised people with 'suddenly' being thin(ish). And even better when I later came over to Germany, still looking that way.
So blogging might not be the greatest idea for me, but I have to overcome those demons. I´m aware that my biggest inner demon is my selfdoubt. I know that I´m capable of so much more, if I only lost the fear of failing. That goes for so many areas in my life.
I find it even more scary, because I want to teach my kids that they can do anything in life, if they work for it. I want to teach them that sometimes things don´t go straight like we want them to, but if your consistent and don´t give up, you´ll get there in the end. But how can I teach them, when I´m such a pityful rolemodel?
Both of them are such smart, good natured and charming kids. They should have the world at their feet. But if I teach them to run away, because something doesn´t go quite goes as smooth as hoped for, they will never live to their potential. I want to teach them that things take time and work and that everybody fails sometimes, but that this is not a flaw, just how life goes. That is not important how good you look compared to others, only that you try your best, and if you haven´t to do it better next time.
Looks like we have to learn together.
Have a good week everyone