I could scream

I was doing OK. Not perfect of course, but I wasn´t aiming for perfection, because I had to learn that I can´t do perfect, but I managed to lose. I tracked for over a week and I felt so much better in myself. But then everything went absolutely pear shaped again. And it still is. I´ve eaten everything in sight and just couldn´t make myself stop, with yesterday being the worst. Usually it only happens at night, but yesterday it happened all day with ending in the worst binge since a very long time in the evening.

And worst of all, I don´t have a scooby do, why. If there are any underlying psychologigal problems or unusual stress, I´m not aware of them. Everything I can say is that I just wanted to, being totally aware how awful it would make me feel afterwards.

I´m not doing it in secret, I binged openly in front of hubby, who ate quite a bit himself, but nowhere near as much as me. I´m sure he did notice, but he didn´t comment on it. In my head I was screaming: 'Can´t you see, what I´m doing to myself here?' But what, if he had said anything? Would that have made me stop? Maybe it was a cry for help. Maybe, like my kids, I´m looking for boundaries. How childish it may sound, but I do rebel against being restricted to a certain amount of points. For a very strange reason, I even see the possibility that sticking to my point allowance would mean eating too little. That might come from a comment of my trainer, who said that WW might not be suitable for me, because I excercise so much. But so many of you do just as much as me, and still stick to their points and are of course successful. It only means that we don´t have to be quite so strict. But there it is again. Where is the boundary?

The first week I got away with eating all of my weekly points and some of my activities. So week two I started of the same way. And when I went on the scales on Friday, 3 days after my official WI day (I know, I know) I already gained. I tracked those 3 days and thought that would be enough, but I had to realize that that was not good enough. But of course I was pretty down and it was weekend, and....

Now, six days on, I feel very uncomfortable in myself. The gain is visible and I feel bloated and blobby.

The sad thing (well one of them) is, I just started to feel good about myself again. I already could feel and see the changes in my body. In my mind I could already see myself with a flat belly, really doing it this time.

Now I just feel pathetic again. I don´t want to feel like this. I know, I´m not alone with these struggles. I just have to believe that my time will come. The time, when I won´t go 1 step forward and 2 steps back. It should at least be 2 steps forward and only 1 back. I´ve already come to terms that it´s never gonna be a straight forward thing for me.

But I don´t just want to whine, because there were a few good things as well. We had a group training session on Sunday. We were out in the nature and it was just running up stairs and hills, and I did pretty good again. My friend only calls me the machine again. So I´m still strong in that respect, although I still feel my calves. On Monday I met up with my friend for a run. Again we did about 55 minutes. Not only did I get a nosebleed in between, I also felt my bursa again after. So I gave it a break for the past 2 days.

Plan is to go back on plan tomorrow. Failure is not to fall, but to stay down. Where did I hear that again?

I realized now, that doing lots of excercise makes only the one Kitkat or the one glass of wine OK. Not the box of French Fancies or the bottle of wine (or both and more in my case).

Tomorrow is another day....