What is the f***** matter with me????

I didn´t even make one day! It´s bad enough the weekends being my downfall, but starting on the blooming Monday?!

Again during the day I was OK. I wanted to do Tabata in the evening, but when hubby came home, I was starving. I knew that I can´t do heavy excercise after a big meal, so I said I´d go this morning instead.

The dinner was healthy, too. Wholeweat pasta with tuna, broccoli and mushrooms. But then.... A WW bar, WW ice-cream, winegum and then I just got the chocolate spread and the peanutbutter and dunked my biscuits in it. I don´t even attempt to estimate the points. Oh, did I mention the bottle of red?? On a Monday!!!! Looking in the mirror I just see an alcoholic binging pig! I can´t put into words how pissed off I am with myself (excuse my language, but in my head I´m using worse, believe me!) I´m fed up with it!

I hate going to the meetings and hearing about so many people doing so well. The only good thing I´ve got to say every week, is that I´m excersing well. But could you imagine how much I´d have to excercise to train all that rubbish off? I´d have to give up sleeping!

I keep telling myself: "Just do it for crying out loud!" But the problem´s not the doing it, it´s the 'don´t do it'. Don´t put another biscuit in your mouth, don´t fill your glass up again, don´t open the jelly beans.

I always had a problem with saying 'no'. It´s bad enough, that I can´t say it to others, but not even to myself?

This just has to stop, but I just don´t know how to? My leader at WW is no help, whatsoever. She never makes time for indivuals. She has her notes, she´s got to cover. If you actually say something, you can see her getting impatient quickly.

I had a few leaders over the years, and they were all pretty much the same. Everytime I think: "My god, you gave us the leaflet, which got everything you´re just telling us in it. I can read!" But I still stay, and everytime I go out again with the best intentions.

But I just don´t want to give up! If I cancelled the membership now, I know it would just be unfinished business and I would not be happy.

If I could just manage one full week! One blooming week of staying within my points. Starting again today.........

X

Monday-Thursday great. Friday-Sunday chatastrophic

It was a typical week again. I was very good for 4 days to absolutely go bonkers over weekend.

We had a great weekend, though. We had a bbq all three days. Twice with our neighbours, which usually results in far too much alcohol as well and with family on Sunday, even though the heavens opened. But we just moved everything under shelter. Loved it. With my tummy full of sausage, chicken, potatoes, pasta, salad, cake and hell knows what, I still went to my WI. Was pretty relieved to see a STS. Would still have been a little loss. But I just went on afterwards, because I thought: "Sod it, back to it tomorrow." And that´s what I´m doing.

I think I should probably take little steps and aim to be good for 5 days this week. The one-step-forward-two-steps-back´s still going on. I don´t want to think about for how long, because it just makes me feel incredibaly useless. I even feel like a cheater writing this, because I obviously don´t take it seriously, or why else don´t I just do it? It´s not rocket science. Eat less than you burn. Cut down on the bad stuff. Why, for heaven´s sake, am I constantly rebelling against it? I feel like yelling at myself, how pathetic I am. Arrrrrrrr!

Hope you guys are doing better

X X

I´m one fit bunny!!!!!!!

I had my training with the evil man again yesterday, and he had me terrified before again, because he texted me, that I should be very afraid. That was absolutely unasked for! I told you, he´s evil!

I even tried to prepare myself, how I could distract myself from the pain an exhaustion. I wanted to try to think about that there are worst things in life, than being pinned down by a fit 22 year old. But it just didn´t work.

So we went straight on the treadmill and he said that we would go easy today. Yeah right!!! He even asked me for how fast I want it. Big, big UH OH! Than he told me what he wanted me to do. I had to do 10 squads go on the treadmill run for 100metres (of course he chose speed and incline), back down 20 squads and 200metres, 30 squads 300metres. He said we´ll do this to 400, because nobody has managed the 500 before. The treadmill was on 9km/hr and incline on 15 (flipping 15!!!!!!). But what can I say. Just call me Mrs 500! I was the first to complete the 500! Ok, I was only nr.7, he did this with, but still there were some real fit guys, one is even in the Navy! I was floating with pride all day yesterday. I´m so so much fitter than I thought. I´m almost 40 for crying out loud! So sorry for boasting, but I´m so incredibly proud of myself.

The bad news is, I thought that´s a reason for celebration. So 5.30 I opened the bottle of wine. Our neighbours were over. She had a reason to celebrate as well. She got asked for ID in ASDA. She´s 34. So, what can I say, I think I consumed about 50 points yesterday. Not smart, but I don´t really care. Today won´t be the best day either, because I have the after-drink-food-cravings and we´ll have a bbq later.

Oh, the scales at the gym yesterday showed that I´ve lost 1.8kg in the last 2 weeks. It´s all weird. Got my WI at WW tomorrow, will be interesting to know, what they say. My bodyfat went up, but apparently it´s normal, when you lose weight. The flab needs toning up again. Oh, he said I´ll have a washboard stomach. Yeah right mate.

Have a lovely weekend everyone

X X

A few last words

before I go to bed. I´m trying to mentally prepare myself for my next torture session tomorrow morning, which means I try not to drive myself crazy. It´s only an hour, it´s only an hour.....

My friend had a session with him tonight and she told him to nicer with me, because I ached so badly afterwards. Guess what he said! I´m fit enough to cope with that! I don´t know, if I should feel flattered or simply punch him (I hope we´ll do boxing again tomorrow!)

He also threatened to warm us up for our Race 4 Life. Great idea. After his warm up, we can take a taxi round the course!

Foodwise I´m still OKish. Had a bit of a munch yesterday and went 7 points over my dailys, which is still not too bad for me. Got lots more AP´s and even managed to stay 3P under, today. Didn´t do any excercise today, apart from my normal rushing around, so my legs shouldn´t be too tired. Not that that matters, because 5 minutes into the session they will be jelly again.

But I´m interested to see, what the scales say tomorrow. Hope to see, that some of the gain was muscle. Although if there´s a gain of fat, I´m not looking forward to his comments.

So, I better go to bed now. Will need all my energy tomorrow.

Wish me luck

X X

Another day dusted

That´s all I can do at the moment. One day after the other. But I had a little peak this morning, and it seems to work. If I can believe these crappy things, it looks like 2 are back off. Fingers crossed!

I´m eating my full points at the moment, because of all the training, and don´t want to give my body too little.

Didn´t make it in time for spinning yesterday, so I did combat instead and then again this morning. It feels so good, not to feel absolutely shattered after a workout. Rest tomorrow. My calves are so blooming tight. I keep stretching them, but they just show me the finger. (Sorry for that, but it´s just so frustrating)

Also have to see the dentist, because my bridge became loose. Got this horror vision of losing them in public. OOHH NOOO! But on the other hand... How much do you think they weigh? Maybe I should wait till Sunday.....

Two women in my daughters nursery are doing WW, and they are doing fantastic. The manager has lost 15lb in the first three weeks, and the other on has over lost 2st and just reached goal. Not quite sure in what time, but not very long. And here I am, doing it for 4 months, and after the last WI with the 5.5 gain, my total stands by 6.5. AARRRGGGHHHH! I must have too much time and money. BUT I WILL NOT GIVE UP! I will get there. I will be slim, I will wear a size 10 and I will look bloody fantastic on my 40th birthday!

So time to get this well rounded backside off this chair and get something done.

Enjoy the sun everyone!

X

Shock horror! I managed to track a full day...

And stay withing my points! This hasn´t happened in weeks! And I feel good for it. Don´t get me wrong, it took all my willpower, to not hit the goodie cupboard after I had the gorgeous (and planned) WW crunchy caramal ice-cream, but I won!

I just kept telling myself, how disappointed I will be, if I lay the new start off for yet another day. I´ll have to go on the scales again on Friday with Evil J, and I will try everything to undo my damage as good as I can. You should see the unbelieve in his face, when I tell him about my chocolate addiction. That´s something that he absolutely cannot understand.

Plan is to work out as much as possible. Went on the treadmill for an hour on Sunday, 35min. yesterday, today spinning and tomorrow combat. Nothing on Thursday, because I need fresh legs for my torture session on Friday.
And of course tracking, tracking, tracking.

I spoke to my friend, who´s been training with him for a few months now, because I got worried to lose the fun in going. Last Friday was just too much again. I almost cried the last two times and I´m not looking forward for the next time. My friend felt the same, but she got over it. Now she´s not that bothered anymore. She sees it as: 'It´s just an hour'. I hope I´ll get there, too. And there´s no doubt that it does wonders to my shape. Even though I put on, my waistline feels so much smoother. No big blotchy bits hanging over my trousers anymore. I get compliments about how healthy and toned I look (as long as I don´t give them a closer look at my lower tummy, hips and thighs).

So I´ll keep on going and I´ll survive. I will fight through his warm up and cardio bit with tiring legs, empty lungs and burning throat, I will go on finishing the ridiculous amounts of one or two legged squads, although my thighs scream in pain, I will do all the press-ups, push-ups, planks and sit-ups, while he´s putting silly weights on me, pulling at the other end or leaning on me and fight through all the other torture methods he comes up with. And there will come the day, when I´m not begging him to let me stop, when I´m not saying: "I can´t do this." And when that day comes, there will be nothing holding me back anymore. That day I will know, that I can do anything I want to. That will be a bloody good day!!!

Have a good one

X X

I had to face the music

And it played: 5.5 gain! No surprise there. Considering this is over 3 weeks of going far (far far far) over my points most everyday, it could have been far worse, I suppose. But of course it still brings me down. What a waste of time and money. But I hope that this kick in the butt is enough to put me back on the right track.

Went straight into the gym afterwards and ran for an hour on the treadmill and made it 9.5 km. That´s the furthest and longest I´ve run in many years. In fact there´s only once I ever ran longer. So that´s a fantastic feeling of achievment. It didn´t even wear me out, I could have gone on, but my loved ones were waiting for me. So fitnesswise I´m getting better and better and some of the gain will be muscle, but still.....

So, dinner will be a carrot-potatoesoup for 2 points and tomorrow I´ll go back to tracking.

So back on the wagon. Again.

X

Still munching away

Did the run, did some thinking, but still binging on the wrong stuff.

Fortunately I´m still training pretty hard. Had another personal session this morning, and again I was close to tears. The best part of it was, when Evil James told me, that I have a good running style. That was while I did my warm up on the treadmill running 9km/hr with 6% inline (yes, that´s the warm up!!!), just before we started the intervall training, when the incline went down to 0.5% but the speed went up to 16km/hr max. Unbefreakinlievable! He just dryly said, that it will eventually go up to 20km/hr. And it got much worse. I pay this bloke for that. What the heck was I thinking????

But at least there´s hope, that the scales won´t show the huge gain I´d deserve for all this binging. We´ll see on Sunday. Maybe the meeting will sort me out a bit.

I basically just try to stay cool and wait for this phase to go past. It always does.

Apart from that I´m enjoying the weather. Will plant my bum outside again, and just ignore all the housework and the reports I still have to write. Will do that tonight (said that for the last 3 days). But come on, we´ve been waiting for this for months and months. The housework won´t go anywhere (wish it would) and maybe sitting typing will keep my fingers busy enough, not to go through the sweety cupboard again.

Won´t be able to enjoy the sun much tomorrow, because I´ll be working at the Albions again. They go up, so customers will get their champagne. Should be a happy atmosphere.

Have a lovely weekend

X X

Thinking

I will spare you with telling you once again, that I couldn´t keep my fingers from the cake and the chocolate. Oops, too late. Well at least I spare you the details.

Maybe it´s time to find out, what triggers it. I´m not a fan of it, I have to say, because the first thought that comes into my head, is that these are just weak excuses. But there´s one fact: Is my life running smooth, staying on track is so much easier.

So what happened in the past two weeks. The most tragic happening was definitely the death of my best friends mother. She suffered from cancer and was facing her second chemo. She never recovered from her first and it went very quick in the end. We went to her funeral on Thursday. I lost my father 16 years ago. He suffered many years from a weak heart. Much of it his own fault. Heavily overweight, no excercise whatsoever, workoholic (absolutely no social life), strong smoker (until his stroke) and a choleric. Although I loved him very much, he was not the easiest man to be around and I have to say, none of us ever really knew, what was going on in his mind. I always beat myself up, for not grieving the way I should. In his lifetime I never managed to finish an apprenticeship. I think it was that I never believed I could live up to his expectations anyway, although finishing an apprenticeship was the only he had! How awful does it sound, but about 6 month after his death I started and finished my apprenticeship as a hotel specialist. It was like, him not there, expecting, everything came easier.
My mom, who never experienced a warm loving marriage has been with her boyfriend for many years now and is happier than she´s ever been.
So why am I shaken by sobs everytime I have to go to a funeral. I know, it´s not for the deceased, it´s for the ones left behind. So there´s still something going on inside.

So is it that, what triggers my eating? Don´t know!!!

There are a few more things that I´m not quite happy with at the moment, which involves working and the money situation. I mentioned that before, that I´m juggling 3 part time jobs. I enjoy working at the football, although the money is pretty poor. My job for the vitamin company pays the best, but not fish nor meat, as we say in Germany. The mystery shopping is a real ballache, but the minus on our account says that I can´t afford to pack it in. So what options have I got? It´s not until September 2011 that my daughter will start school, and I can go for a steady job. So I just try to stick in there and make the best out of it.

But not everything´s bad. I´ve got a lovely husband and two fantastic kids. My family in law is fab, and I was very lucky to find very special friends. I love our house. It´s nothing fancy, but it feels so much like home and it´s got a big garden.
So I don´t regret moving to England at all.

I also see the possibility that the whole problem´s just that I´m not 'overweight' anymore. From a medical point of view, and the view of most people around me, I don´t have to lose anything anymore. What will change, when I´m slim? First thing that comes into my mind, is not looking better, although that will be the case, or the feeling fitter. It´s more the achievement that springs into my mind.

One fantastic thing: I just loaded my MP3 player with lots of music. I will change into my running gear, turn the music on loud and try to figure it out while I´m running. And you know what? I will love it. I never ever have the time to just listen to music. Maybe it will bring some enlightment!

X

These holidays are always my downfall!

Here I am, after two weeks of chocolate indulgance. I just couldn´t stop. Every single evening I munched and munched and munched. I felt sick more than once. Once I even had to make myself sick. Nothing I like to share, but I think I have to. No need to say that I´m disgusted by myself! But nothing I can do about it now. It´s done. I´m determined to go back on track, starting today.

I wanted to go to WI yesterday, but we were invited for dinner next door, and it was just ready, when the meeting started. ´

The damage won´t be as bad as it could have been, because in other aspects I was absolutely fantastic. I´m still very enthusiastic about my training. And when I had to go on the scales with my trainer on Friday, it showed, despite all the chocolate, that I lost 3.5% bodyfat in just 2.5 weeks. I was absolutely over the moon! Thursday was the first warm day, so I asked my neighbour to have the kids for a bit, so I could go for a run. Armed with my new MP3 player I started off, wearing a T-shirt!!! Having music in my ear makes such a huge difference. Although the route I was running has some really mean hills in it, I had a huge grin on my face and was running further than I have in years. 4.5 miles!! For some this might be nothing, but I never had (and still don´t have) any attentions in ever running a marathon, so this is quite a good distance for me, and I won´t work on much longer distances.

I also still do the classes at the gym and of course my personal torture sessions. It´s getting harder and harder. Friday I was honestly close to tears, whining: "I can´t do this!" But guess what, I did it! Unfortunately my calf´s playing up again. He even gave me a massage at the end, which was quite painful. So I´ve got orders to rest until tomorrow, which is quite frustrating.

Can you imagine, how much I could lose, if I just had my eating under control? I don´t know, what´s wrong with my head, because I keep sabotaging myself. It´s like I just can´t believe that I can drop under 10st. That´s where my trainer wants me, so I´m officialy slim. Don´t I want to be slim? Sounds like a stupid question, but I´m truelly confused. When I´m scoffing down big chocolate eggs, creameggs and all the other rubbish, I´m totally aware that I will put on weight, and that I´ll feel down afterwards, but that just makes me get more chocolate. I´m sure we all know these vicious circles. But I still haven´t given up, yet. I hope I´ll find the answers to my questions along the way, to somewhen have a healthy relationship with food.

Good luck to us all

X X X