One step forward. Three and a half steps back

Or in other words: Sunday´s WI +3.5.

I had to go. I hoped for something that would give me a way out of my dilemma. Am I happy with my weight, or do I want to go down the way to perfection. Well, at least I can say, I wasn´t happy with the +3.5.

So I had an attempt on tracking yesterday. Actually I did track yesterday, but that doesn´t mean, that I stayed within my allowance. But it´s still some kind of improvement.

There was a new leader at the meeting, and I think I´ll prefer her. I even almost stayed for a one to one, but for whatever reason I didn´t. I regret it a bit today, because I need some guidance. I´m so confused and undecided at the moment. For once I always change my daily allowance, because I´m so unsure, what is right for me. My trainer told me, that WW might not be good for me, because with all my training, it could be that I don´t eat enough (had to fight back some hysterical laughter at that point). I´m sure he meant, if you´re living it, like you should.

I won´t be able to make it to the meeting on Sunday, because we´ll go down to London with our visitors from Germany. The first overnight trip without the kids ever (well since they were born obviously)!!!!! Yippie! I can´t wait for just being husband and wife for a short while.

Anyway, but I´ll go the week after and ask her for a chat. For once I´d like to know, what point allowance she thinks is right for me. Also I think I´m looking for some kind of absolution, if I decide that I´m happy with the way I am (just assuming the pounds gained will disappear again). Or even better, she can help me making it over the finish line.

There is no denying that all this training already shaped my body for the better and will do so even more in the future. Is there the need to lose more? Same with my state of fitness. It already is pretty good, so no need to lose more pounds because of that.

But I just can´t help myself. Deep down I know, I´m just making excuses, not to follow it through to the end. James said I could have a washboard belly. Is there the need to have one? Of course not. Hardly anybody will have a look at it anyway. But would it be a fantastic feeling? Most definitely!

But all this looking your best aside, most of all I want a healthy relationship to food! I know that I eat, because I try to release some tension. That shows very clearly, when I really start to binge eat on the days I don´t excercise. I´m not quite so bad, when I had a good workout. And I explain that, that I release most of the tension with sweating it out. WW gives you tips, how to deal with stress differently, but somehow there was nothing that jumped at me: "Oh yes, I could do that instead."

I know better organization throughout my life would make a big difference, but I was born to be chaotic. All my attempts to structure things fail completely. The blooming money situation won´t change any time soon either, unless anybody got some to spare ;-).

But I will keep on fighting the chaos and while I dream about a fancy holiday in the Carribean (all inclusive with a kids club and a lovely beach)...sigh....

So time to get going. Our visitors arrive in two days and I want to get this mountain of ironing out of the way at least. Good news is, my daughter´s chickenpox finally made an appearance. And wow, the poor girl´s covered. But same as my son, she´s good in herself and will be fit for staying with Nanny and Granddad over the weekend.

Have a lovely day everyone

XX

To go on or not to go on

The weeks go by and nothing is changing. My last day of tracking is 9 days ago. These 8 days were full of BBQ´s, fatty potatoe salads, alcohol, all sorts of sugary food. You name it, I had it and stuffed it down.

I just can´t find the motivation to keep my food intake under control. My emotional level swings between feeling absolute pathetic to being incredibly proud of myself, after finishing a killing training session and hearing that not many people are able to do, what I´ve just done.

I´m very tempted to just say that I´m happy with the way I look now.

With a bit of a cover up or the arm in the right position I think I look absolutly fine (of course nothing compared to my adorable daughter!).

But then there are other moments....

And then I see that there´s still lots of room for improvement. I´m doing all the right training and if I just had my eating under control, this belly would be nice and flat.

But I just don´t stop with this self sabotage. Day after day after day I go on, as if that was, what makes me happy. But it doesn´t. It makes me feel weak and idiotic.

I know that some of you ladies, who still have to go a longer way, say: "I would be well happy with that." At least I always did. But then again, why do I stop, when I could look even better. There´s not much more that I want to change (I don´t like the anoraexic look), so why don´t I just finish it? It´s like turning around, just before you cross the finish line. Why on earth would you do that? I´m not like that in my training. There I always finish (even though I´m moaning and winging).

My last training session was in the woods. I had to run up a very steap hill with 99 build in steps. And I had to do that 8 times. That is one of the things that apparently not many people are able to do and to finish off I had to run up a neverending hill, which if run up often enough, even makes my trainer puke (something I can really do without!) Professional athletes train like that. Of course they are much faster than me, but still, I was awfully proud after this session and was on a real buzz. And as I apparently burnt about 1300 cals in that session I had a huge BBQ afterwards.

We did quite a bit of talking in this session, and I said that I have to start thinking about, what kind of job I want to do, when my daughter´s in school. He suggested to become a personal trainer. No need to say that I was quite flabbergasted, although family and friends mentioned that before. In my head I was far too old to do that. For those who don´t know, I´m turning 40 in January. He said that there might be people, who would prefer an older trainer. And thinking about it, he might be right. My clients might probably rather be moms or people who are just interested in a slightly improved level of fitness.

But what kind of role model would I be? And do I really want to go to school with the 20 year olds? And most of all, what would I have to do?

But it is a thought.

Anyway, I actually started tracking today again and so far so good. Unfortunately I´m a bit injured again and can´t train (will still do my session tomorrow. He´ll find alternatives) and adding to that, my throat started hurting. My husband was really bad. I really hope, I won´t!!!

Have a lovely day everyone

XX

I´ve got an award!

Thank you so much Julie from MY WEIGHT LOSS JOURNEY! I´m so happy that I met you here! You´re such an inspiring lady and a real work out warrior! I feel really honoured!









As with most awards, it came with some rules:


1. Get really Excited that you got the coolest award Ever! Yeah!
2. Choose ONE of the following options of accepting the OMB award:
(a) Get really drunk and blog for 15 minutes straight, or for as long as you can focus.
(b) Write about your most embarrassing moment.
(c) Write a “Soundtrack of your childhood” post.
(d) Make your next blog a "vlog"/video blog. Basically your talking to the camera about whatever.

(e) Take a picture of yourself first thing in the morning, before you do anything else (hair, makeup, etc)
and post it.


3. Pass this award onto at least 3, but preferably more, awesome blogger as yourself. Don’t forget to tell them.


I´m still torn between the early morning picture and the getting drunk one. The latter would be two in one really, because it most likely will also be the most embarassing moment. Have to see what will happen on the wine front tonight.

The 3 I´m passing it on to are:

Jaframity @ http://shrinking-thinking.blogspot.com/. She´s a fantastic lady and gave me so many words of encouragment. You´ll tackle the last 2!!!!!

Linz M @ http://linzerello.blogspot.com/ This gorgeous, funloving lady already lost an incredible amount of weight. She´s one of the reasons, why I´m not ready to give up, yet, although I very often want to.

and last but not least

Quay @ http://thefatandthinofit.blogspot.com/. What an amazing woman! She never fails to make me giggle. She´s the kind of woman who laughs the devil in the face and I absolutely adore her!



Thank you all so much!!!

X X

The shorts are out!

Finally it´s time for a sun tan!!!! I´m actually doing some gardening. I´m honest, I don´t have a clue, what I´m doing, but it´s fun. I planted lots of pots, which hopefully will bloom beautifully soon (I always forget the names of the flowers as soon as they´re in the ground. Well, I want to look at them, not discussing life with them), do lots of weeding and even planted some veg.

Went to WI on Sunday. When the leader asked me, if I had a good week, I could only say again: "God no!" I was good for 4 days to blow it all again the days after. Still managed to lose a pound, so I´m not complaining. Yesterday was the first OKish day again, when I only went over my points by 2.5, which is pretty good for me at the mo.

Went running yesterday and really struggled. Can´t have been much further than 3.5miles. Didn´t help that the battery for my MP3 player ran out. So there was the decision: "Home!" Not having my earphones on also made me hear the wolf whistle horn of a bloke´s red Pick-Up. Oh yippie... :-/

Was supposed to have a training session in the Chase (our area of natural beauty) yesterday, but the trainer had a swollen ankle and we postponed it to Friday. In a way I´m looking forward to it, because it´s something different, out of the gym, but I know he´s going to kill me. He´s a real runner and I´m sure he´ll find the steapest hills. Better do some more running, to be up for it.

I´m also suffering from cabin fever, because my son´s got the chickenpox and so we´re stuck at home. Thankfully he´s not doing too bad, so we´re out in the garden most of the time. I hope my daughter will get them quickly, because we´ll have visitors from Germany in 2 weeks and we wanted to go to London for a night. That would be the first time since being parents that hubby and I go away for the weekend without the kids. So PLEASE, PLEASE let the spots come!!!

Gym tonight for Legs, Bums & Tums. It´s been years and years (still in Germany) when I did that last. I´m just trying to do lots of different things, to keep it interesting. I might even try Thai boxing today....

So time for the second lot of washing to go out. I know, my life´s so glamorous, but please don´t get jealous. ;-)

Have a good week everyone.

X

Thought it´s time for a picture again

I just stumbled over the picture my 5 year old son (so it´s a bit fuzzy) took of my daughter and me. And even though the numbers weren´t the best in the recent weeks, I´d still like to think that there´s a positiv change in my body. I even see some ABS defining. So I haven´t completely wasted my time!

X

Still here

I haven´t written for a few days, because I just wanted to spare you from the same blabbering over and over again. Although I was really angry with myself, I just wasn´t able to turn it around. Going on the scales with James showed exactly that. But it looks like I needed that. I feel a bit better.

I think it also has something to do with the hormones going back to normal. Thinking about it, I´m going through that most months. This time it was just so much worse, because it had been going on for so long already.

So I was good on Friday. Saturday I had everything planned. I had a lovely run with my friend in the woods. Because we always get lost we ran for 55min. I´m dead proud of my mate, because she doesn´t train nearly as much as I do, but she managed to run most of it. Afterwards we had a coffee and a little chat. But when I came home, I came into the house of grumbles. My beloved husband was in a right mood, because the kids had been naughty. I tried to cheer him up doing a cooked breakfast for lunch, but it didn´t really work. He took the kids shopping while I did the ironing (oh glorious life!!!) and brought back pizza and wine. I was a bit peed off, because he knew that I´ve planned and I simply had enough of his mood, because I got the: "You were out all morning!"

That was quite hurtful, because my sports is the only hobby I´ve got. I know it became much more (I´m exercising 5 or 6 days now. Once with the PT and the other days running or classes), but it never is super long, and most of the time it´s in the mornings, when both kids are gone. When I tell him about my training sessions he just shuts down. I think it´s a mixture between the fact that I´m mentioning a bloke a lot and the fact that he feels a bit insecure about not being able to keep up with me. I was thinking about it. If he had a female trainer and would tell the same stories about his sessions, I might feel a bit insecure myself. So I just decided, I won´t tell him about it anymore. It´s a bit sad, because I would like to share, what I´m so proud about, but I neither want to hurt nor to bore him.

The only person who I don´t bore to death with these stories is my mate, who´s training with him to.

By the way my record in the squad-uphill-run-challenge is still unbeaten. One girl matched it, but none of the blokes could do it. And there were more Navy guys. Amazing!!!

Oh, my trainer gave me the tip to put chocolate bars in the freezer and break it into tiny pieces and only to have a bit, when I feel like it. Of course just having one piece doesn´t work for me (he really doesn´t know me!), but I tried it yesterday with one of the WW bars, and I was very happy with just one bar (which is good for me). So I managed to stay under my points yesterday. That´s twice in 3 days. For all of you, who do that week after week, might think: "How sad is that?", but after these weeks and weeks of binging, it brings my spirits up.

Tabata tonight and then Supernatural in bed (at least no nibbling there....sweets I mean). We bought the DVD´s. Honey can be happy that none of those is not my trainer, because with one of them I might put the thought of a toy boy into consideration....Yum!

Have a good week everyone (mine might even be)

X X

Like a scratched record

The best intentions and guess what: Absolutely nothing bloody changed. I still give into every little craving I get. And there are soooo many of them.

I couldn´t make it to my WI on Sunday, because I had to go to work. Last match of the season! Yippie! The players went straight into their holidays afterwards. I tried not to think of all the fancy places, they would go to. We pretty much decided yesterday that we wouldn´t go to Germany this year, but go to Wales with Jock´s brother and family. Not fancy either, but at least a 'normal' holiday. When we go to Germany, of course we have to meet up with everyone. So it always turns out to be stressy.

So anyway, I didn´t make it to WI. I jumped on the scales this morning and was not surprised to see that I was another 2 pounds up. Although I have to mention that totm´s coming up. But I don´t like to use that as an excuse, because I know, if I´m good, I still manage to lose a bit or at least stay the same. But 'good' wouldn´t be the word of choice about how I´ve done. 'Dreadful', 'pathetic', 'idiotic' rather jumps in mind. At least I´m still sporting it loads. After the sight on the scales I put my training gear on straight away and went running right after I dropped kids off. Managed to do a bit longer again. Didn´t measure it, but must have been about 5.5 or 6 miles. Don´t want to think about, what scales would say, if I didn´t work out. Oh god, better not!!

So AGAIN best intentions, have been tracking and 'good' so far. I have my next training session on Friday morning, and it´s weighing time again. I just can´t step on them being this heavy. I couldn´t bear his look. There´s no chance I´ll get it all off till then, but some of it has to come off. There I can use totm as an excuse and might even get a little blush as a bonus. I mean how embarrasing to tell this 22 year old boy: "Sorry, but I´ve got my period at the moment." Oh god, just let me die!

I might put in another combat session tonight. I have to get some off. I just have to!