Enough of the self beatings!!!!

First of all I want to thank you again for your comments. I really needed them. If somebody else would put themselves down so much, I probably would give them a slap!

You are so right that is about time that I give myself some slack. This post will be about the things that I do well!

Immediately there´s a big BUT building up in my brain, but this time I won´t let it.

First of all, having this constant bad concious that I´m not good enough as a mother. I´ve got two absolutely brilliant kids. Here they are:






Aren´t they gorgeous???

They are both extremely loving, funny and smart. Most of all they are happy! They are growing up in a loving environment and we try to do lots of things with them. We don´t have lots of money, but we do our best that they still experience things. They both have swimming lessons, Kenny played football, but I will put him in the school session (it´s free and the other was too full. He´s very shy) and Amber just started horse riding lessons. She loves it and I had one, too! My sister in law gave it to me for my birthday. I will take some more, when the money´s there. I used to ride a lot, when I was younger. We might not be able to afford big outings all the while, but we take them out into the nature or meet up with friends.

And thinking again about being a bad role model... I show my kids to be active and to excercise. They always say: "Mommy, we´re doing sports!"
Jock and I show them a loving relationship and trust, while still having a giggle.

I chose to be with my kids, as long as they are little, but I´m not just sitting there, expecting hubby to do the providing all by himself. So I try to help as much as I can. I still work at the football and look after the German customers for two companies by now. And by the way, I´m pretty damned good at all of that as well.

And coming to my weightloss journey. Okay, I lost my way a little bit, BUT although I put on quite a bit again, I´m still nowhere near where I used to be and I know for a fact, that I won´t go there again. Why? Because there are some changes that are simply not reversable. First of all my love for excercise.





Even when I have draw backs through injury, I will never give up. I´m working very hard to get my strength back. I just finished my longest run post injury run of 5 miles.






And I will keep on working on it, because that is, when I feel my strongest. Two of my friends and I will have our weekly outdoor runs again. There are already two 10k´s planned (one of them a mud race - Yippie - not).

And so what, if I don´t have right frame of mind at the moment to be in control of my entire food intake. Big parts changed for good as well. I only have to get my evening munches under control. Putting my mind at ease will be a big help! Maybe it really has to wait, till my daughter goes to school in September and I´ll have a bit more time for myself. I´m gonna treat myself for this time and won´t go for more work straight away. I deserve it to concentrate on myself for a bit. I will still try everyday to make good choices, but I will give myself the time to get my mind right. I will get there again! Anything else is not an option!

Wow, this does feel better. I listen to people blowing their own trumpet so many times, and I just think: "Good for you!" So time to say: "Good for me!"

Have a good weekend everyone

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Learning process

This is the second attempt to write this blog. The first attempt was mainly the big question: "Why can´t I keep it up?"

Self analyzing my lack of motivation, my withdrawal from responsibility, self doubt and all that comes with it.

And then I read Linz´s blog to find that she as well struggles with finding the motivation. Unfortunately I don´t have the answer, as I can´t find it myself. I just can´t see, how my life will be much different from what is now. I´ve got the lovely husband, lovely friends, hobbies and I like to think that I´m not cursed with ugliness. The only thing I could think of, of the top of my head was that the clothes will be a bit more figure hugging again, instead of mainly floaty.

And then I remembered, when I first started WW so many years back. I was happy then too. I found my man already, so it was not the case of: "Once I´m thin, I´ll find true love". Or just in general that life would get much easier. To be honest, I didn´t think about it very much at all. My friend asked me, if I wanted to go to the meetings with her, and I said: "Yeah, why not." And I honestly can´t remember any major struggles. I went from a BMI of 30 to a 23.5 in about 4 months. I just did it. I tracked most days with hardly any off days, made excercise a constant in my life and was more like: "Wow, this really works. It doesn´t get any easier then this, when it comes to weightloss."

And I discovered a completely different life. All of a sudden I was not the podgy one anymore. Going out was completey different. People didn´t recognize me anymore. Men who ruled me out before, just because of the pounds were more then keen all of a sudden. Well tough titties mate. Too late!!! But more then anything, I felt just free. I got rid off the instant judgement people make about you, because you carry a big weakness around for everyone to see. And I didn´t like that one little bit.

And now I got the feeling that I´m slowly going back there. Doing good for a bit, but never for long. I´m still nowhere near, where I used to be, but if I don´t get a grip, I will be.

The thought for the last years was to finish what I started. Again it´s hard to see, how that will change my life, but one thing is for sure, it will change the way I see myself. My life is full of things that I didn´t pull through, because I would never be able to do it. Very often partnered with the fear of embarrassing myself. Starting from an early age finding excuses to get out of sports days, later not finishing job trainings, going for promotions, organizing parties and so much more. And I know it´s so unbelievably silly, but it takes me forever (and longer) to get over failing.

Maybe, when I first did WW, I didn´t make a big fuzz about it. Not many people knew, because I actually was a bit embarrassed to start with, because I never got into contact with it before. So I only did it for myself and if I´d failed nobody would have known. so it was the way around, I surprised people with 'suddenly' being thin(ish). And even better when I later came over to Germany, still looking that way.

So blogging might not be the greatest idea for me, but I have to overcome those demons. I´m aware that my biggest inner demon is my selfdoubt. I know that I´m capable of so much more, if I only lost the fear of failing. That goes for so many areas in my life.

I find it even more scary, because I want to teach my kids that they can do anything in life, if they work for it. I want to teach them that sometimes things don´t go straight like we want them to, but if your consistent and don´t give up, you´ll get there in the end. But how can I teach them, when I´m such a pityful rolemodel?

Both of them are such smart, good natured and charming kids. They should have the world at their feet. But if I teach them to run away, because something doesn´t go quite goes as smooth as hoped for, they will never live to their potential. I want to teach them that things take time and work and that everybody fails sometimes, but that this is not a flaw, just how life goes. That is not important how good you look compared to others, only that you try your best, and if you haven´t to do it better next time.

Looks like we have to learn together.

Have a good week everyone

XX

How to get the best out of your workout

I've been reading quite a bit about working out lately. I even got some books out of the library, just to get some inspiration to keep my home workouts interesting.

More and more often do I read, that it's not the hour long cardio, which will make your fat melt away and giving you a strong body, that it's rather the short full out bursts that will keep your metabolism raging for a long time. It does make sense, when you compare the bodies of the skinny marathon runners with the überathletic sprinters.

I mean apart from the fact that I don't have time to spend hours on end training (one of the reasons why I don't want to run a marathon), I do understand that bigger muscles burn more calories all day round. For muscles to grow, they have to be put under stress to be forced to up their performance. That means you have to ache afterwards.

I'm by no means an expert in these things, but I try to educate myself a bit in that area. It also makes sense to me, that when your doing the same thing over and over again, that your body gets used to it and just hits a plateau.

So what do I get out of that for myself? For me still the main factor is that it stays fun. So I will still do gentle jogs. I have to anyway, because I have to train up for the 10k in the summer, and I don´t plan to break any records. But I also try to do at least two days of full body workouts, which should give me some sore muscles the days after. To get them I understand that it´s no use to two million reps with miniscule weights. I rather put on my tabata timer and go full out in these intervals. The same with the cardio. Going full out, short rest, full out aso.

The funny thing is, the thing I got the most problem with, is giving the muscles the recovery time. Another thing I read is that the muscles need 48hrs to recover. That would mean 2 full days of rest between workouts???????? Sorry can´t do that. I was quite proud of myself to have 1 complete day yesterday after my PT session on Sunday, which definitely resulted in sore muscles.

So, time for me to shoot. I´m working at the football again tonight. That means sleep deprivation again. I hate not getting my 8hrs! But it´s the only midweek game in a while, so I suppose I´ll survive. And looking at my credit card bill and the big red number on our account, I don´t have much of a choice anyway.

Oh, one good thing to finish. When I went on the scales with my PT, I lost over 2kg and over 1% bodyfat. I´m happy with that, especially considering it was my birthday week.

Happy weightloss everyone

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