Enough of the self beatings!!!!

First of all I want to thank you again for your comments. I really needed them. If somebody else would put themselves down so much, I probably would give them a slap!

You are so right that is about time that I give myself some slack. This post will be about the things that I do well!

Immediately there´s a big BUT building up in my brain, but this time I won´t let it.

First of all, having this constant bad concious that I´m not good enough as a mother. I´ve got two absolutely brilliant kids. Here they are:






Aren´t they gorgeous???

They are both extremely loving, funny and smart. Most of all they are happy! They are growing up in a loving environment and we try to do lots of things with them. We don´t have lots of money, but we do our best that they still experience things. They both have swimming lessons, Kenny played football, but I will put him in the school session (it´s free and the other was too full. He´s very shy) and Amber just started horse riding lessons. She loves it and I had one, too! My sister in law gave it to me for my birthday. I will take some more, when the money´s there. I used to ride a lot, when I was younger. We might not be able to afford big outings all the while, but we take them out into the nature or meet up with friends.

And thinking again about being a bad role model... I show my kids to be active and to excercise. They always say: "Mommy, we´re doing sports!"
Jock and I show them a loving relationship and trust, while still having a giggle.

I chose to be with my kids, as long as they are little, but I´m not just sitting there, expecting hubby to do the providing all by himself. So I try to help as much as I can. I still work at the football and look after the German customers for two companies by now. And by the way, I´m pretty damned good at all of that as well.

And coming to my weightloss journey. Okay, I lost my way a little bit, BUT although I put on quite a bit again, I´m still nowhere near where I used to be and I know for a fact, that I won´t go there again. Why? Because there are some changes that are simply not reversable. First of all my love for excercise.





Even when I have draw backs through injury, I will never give up. I´m working very hard to get my strength back. I just finished my longest run post injury run of 5 miles.






And I will keep on working on it, because that is, when I feel my strongest. Two of my friends and I will have our weekly outdoor runs again. There are already two 10k´s planned (one of them a mud race - Yippie - not).

And so what, if I don´t have right frame of mind at the moment to be in control of my entire food intake. Big parts changed for good as well. I only have to get my evening munches under control. Putting my mind at ease will be a big help! Maybe it really has to wait, till my daughter goes to school in September and I´ll have a bit more time for myself. I´m gonna treat myself for this time and won´t go for more work straight away. I deserve it to concentrate on myself for a bit. I will still try everyday to make good choices, but I will give myself the time to get my mind right. I will get there again! Anything else is not an option!

Wow, this does feel better. I listen to people blowing their own trumpet so many times, and I just think: "Good for you!" So time to say: "Good for me!"

Have a good weekend everyone

XX

Learning process

This is the second attempt to write this blog. The first attempt was mainly the big question: "Why can´t I keep it up?"

Self analyzing my lack of motivation, my withdrawal from responsibility, self doubt and all that comes with it.

And then I read Linz´s blog to find that she as well struggles with finding the motivation. Unfortunately I don´t have the answer, as I can´t find it myself. I just can´t see, how my life will be much different from what is now. I´ve got the lovely husband, lovely friends, hobbies and I like to think that I´m not cursed with ugliness. The only thing I could think of, of the top of my head was that the clothes will be a bit more figure hugging again, instead of mainly floaty.

And then I remembered, when I first started WW so many years back. I was happy then too. I found my man already, so it was not the case of: "Once I´m thin, I´ll find true love". Or just in general that life would get much easier. To be honest, I didn´t think about it very much at all. My friend asked me, if I wanted to go to the meetings with her, and I said: "Yeah, why not." And I honestly can´t remember any major struggles. I went from a BMI of 30 to a 23.5 in about 4 months. I just did it. I tracked most days with hardly any off days, made excercise a constant in my life and was more like: "Wow, this really works. It doesn´t get any easier then this, when it comes to weightloss."

And I discovered a completely different life. All of a sudden I was not the podgy one anymore. Going out was completey different. People didn´t recognize me anymore. Men who ruled me out before, just because of the pounds were more then keen all of a sudden. Well tough titties mate. Too late!!! But more then anything, I felt just free. I got rid off the instant judgement people make about you, because you carry a big weakness around for everyone to see. And I didn´t like that one little bit.

And now I got the feeling that I´m slowly going back there. Doing good for a bit, but never for long. I´m still nowhere near, where I used to be, but if I don´t get a grip, I will be.

The thought for the last years was to finish what I started. Again it´s hard to see, how that will change my life, but one thing is for sure, it will change the way I see myself. My life is full of things that I didn´t pull through, because I would never be able to do it. Very often partnered with the fear of embarrassing myself. Starting from an early age finding excuses to get out of sports days, later not finishing job trainings, going for promotions, organizing parties and so much more. And I know it´s so unbelievably silly, but it takes me forever (and longer) to get over failing.

Maybe, when I first did WW, I didn´t make a big fuzz about it. Not many people knew, because I actually was a bit embarrassed to start with, because I never got into contact with it before. So I only did it for myself and if I´d failed nobody would have known. so it was the way around, I surprised people with 'suddenly' being thin(ish). And even better when I later came over to Germany, still looking that way.

So blogging might not be the greatest idea for me, but I have to overcome those demons. I´m aware that my biggest inner demon is my selfdoubt. I know that I´m capable of so much more, if I only lost the fear of failing. That goes for so many areas in my life.

I find it even more scary, because I want to teach my kids that they can do anything in life, if they work for it. I want to teach them that sometimes things don´t go straight like we want them to, but if your consistent and don´t give up, you´ll get there in the end. But how can I teach them, when I´m such a pityful rolemodel?

Both of them are such smart, good natured and charming kids. They should have the world at their feet. But if I teach them to run away, because something doesn´t go quite goes as smooth as hoped for, they will never live to their potential. I want to teach them that things take time and work and that everybody fails sometimes, but that this is not a flaw, just how life goes. That is not important how good you look compared to others, only that you try your best, and if you haven´t to do it better next time.

Looks like we have to learn together.

Have a good week everyone

XX

How to get the best out of your workout

I've been reading quite a bit about working out lately. I even got some books out of the library, just to get some inspiration to keep my home workouts interesting.

More and more often do I read, that it's not the hour long cardio, which will make your fat melt away and giving you a strong body, that it's rather the short full out bursts that will keep your metabolism raging for a long time. It does make sense, when you compare the bodies of the skinny marathon runners with the überathletic sprinters.

I mean apart from the fact that I don't have time to spend hours on end training (one of the reasons why I don't want to run a marathon), I do understand that bigger muscles burn more calories all day round. For muscles to grow, they have to be put under stress to be forced to up their performance. That means you have to ache afterwards.

I'm by no means an expert in these things, but I try to educate myself a bit in that area. It also makes sense to me, that when your doing the same thing over and over again, that your body gets used to it and just hits a plateau.

So what do I get out of that for myself? For me still the main factor is that it stays fun. So I will still do gentle jogs. I have to anyway, because I have to train up for the 10k in the summer, and I don´t plan to break any records. But I also try to do at least two days of full body workouts, which should give me some sore muscles the days after. To get them I understand that it´s no use to two million reps with miniscule weights. I rather put on my tabata timer and go full out in these intervals. The same with the cardio. Going full out, short rest, full out aso.

The funny thing is, the thing I got the most problem with, is giving the muscles the recovery time. Another thing I read is that the muscles need 48hrs to recover. That would mean 2 full days of rest between workouts???????? Sorry can´t do that. I was quite proud of myself to have 1 complete day yesterday after my PT session on Sunday, which definitely resulted in sore muscles.

So, time for me to shoot. I´m working at the football again tonight. That means sleep deprivation again. I hate not getting my 8hrs! But it´s the only midweek game in a while, so I suppose I´ll survive. And looking at my credit card bill and the big red number on our account, I don´t have much of a choice anyway.

Oh, one good thing to finish. When I went on the scales with my PT, I lost over 2kg and over 1% bodyfat. I´m happy with that, especially considering it was my birthday week.

Happy weightloss everyone

XX

Early morning workouts and psychic parties

Yesterday I started my day again with my favorite workout. The one right after getting up. Well okay after my first 2 cups of coffee. I can´t do anything before my caffeine fix. I´m a Gilmore girl in that way (my favorite television program).

Anyway, apart from the fact that they say it´s 3 times as effective, because it hits the stored fat straight away, not having any carbs to burn in you, it makes the rest of the day so much easier.

Yesterday I didn´t get up as early as I wanted, so I only had 30min. In that time I did the 15min speed program to warm up on the treadmill (only did 12 off them, leaving the walking part at the end. Than:
Wide stence squats for my inner thighs with up-rows with 10kg in each hand 30x
Normal squats with shoulderpresses with 10kg 40x
On Step-knee lift-down lunge with 5kg in hand 15 on each leg
Combination of front plank with bum up and down 15 times holding for 10sec into side plank arm reaching up and around waist 20 holding arm up, back into front plank and same on other side. Both sides twice.
And bycicle curls 100x

That left me super energized for the day.

I needed that, because I had to prepare for my psychic party in the evening. In December my husband and I went on a ghost hunt. Two of our nieces are very into that and are complete believers. We always liked Most Haunted (well up to this weird artist medium), and even wanted to see a show. We already had the tickets, but then they cancelled everything. We went to this old scruffy pub in Rugely, where there used to be a doctor who poisened people for the insurance money (that is a historical fact). I have to say, I am quite sceptic and most of the time I just had a giggle. We did Ouiji (is this how you spell it???) and table tipping. I have to admit the table tipping was impressive, because this table was spinning on one leg, that we had to run round the table. This can´t have been a trick, because we were carrying this little table around with us, but if it´s really a ghost doing that...? Well, who knows. Although when we went down to the cellar it became spooky. You heard beer barrels being moved, although nobody was there and we all heard a very loud spooky noise calling out 'Elsie'. That of course could have been a trick.

Anyway, this medium does psychic parties and I invited her for two of my friends and my two nieces. She did psychic cards (no tarot cards, not that it makes a big difference for me), and she took jewelery from us to see what it tells her. For some things fit very well, for one of my friends and me rather not. My cards could have meant everything and nothing and what she got from my wedding band didn´t get me very excited either. There were things about driving on the wrong side of the road (well, she knew that I´m German and we do drive on the other side of the road), asking me if I ever was on a cruise (well the picture by the fire with my family surrounding a ships captain could have been a give away), and the year 2006 (again our wedding picture with the date on it, could have led to that question). So you can imagine, I´m not jumping up and down with excitment, although she really did some good hits with my friend, which weren´t obvious at all.

I wanted to believe and it would have been nice, if there would have been some messages from the other side. Especially for my one friend, who lost her mom last year and maybe my father saying hi. But at least she was honest in that way, that she didn´t come up with b******* and just said she couldn´t sense any spirits.

Of course there was quite a bit of wine involved, so today was a very lazy day. I don´t have to comment on the food side, because that´s the typical after a boozy night, starting with bacon rolls and finishing the birthday cake. I had half an hour on the treadmill though and even upped the speed to 8.2mil/hr. Of course not where I used to be, but I rather up it steadily than ending with torn muscle fibre again.

Tomorrow I got a training session. I should be able to perform a bit better again.

We have to go to a party tonight, although we really don´t want to. Will be a short one, because apart from having no interest, I don´t want to drink.

Have a good weekend everyone

XX

The big 40!

It´s finally there. I´m forty!!! And you know what? No depression in sight! I´m not gonna have a big bash. In fact this day goes pretty much like any other. After bringing the kids to school, I had a surprise phone call from Germany from an ex fling. That was a very nice surprise. After chatting for an hour I went on my favorite birthday present. My treadmill:




I set the timer for 50 min. I walked to minutes to warm up and than ran with an between 5.5 and 5.8 ml/hr. I got interrupted by my mobile beeping a few times, but I always stopped the treadmill, so that I still ran 48 minutes and did 4.4miles. This is how I look afterwards. Pretty soaky!




Then shower, picking up my daughter to go to a lunch date to one of her nursery friends.

Afternoon will be play date with two of my friends in our favorite indoor playground. And there will be lovely cake. Evening will be relaxed with ASDA pizza.

The only thing I´ll do for my birthday will be a psychic party on Friday. I´m sure that´ll be a laugh. Oh and then on Saturday my in-laws will have the kids over night, so that hubby and I can go to a party. Much prefer it that way, because just the thought of organizing a party gives me the shudders.


I can easily say the thirties were the best time of my life. I finally learned to feel more content, I met my wonderful husband, had my absolutely fantastic kids, moved country, bought a house and made beautiful friends. And I shouldn´t forget that exercise became a constant part of my life. Now that I got everything here, I really can´t make myself to not train. My one and only rest day, was still started with the 15min speed program on the treadmill.

I´m even using my weights, because I know, I have to work on strengthening the muscles, if I want to stay injury free. When I want to do a good session, I make myself a plan, to which I stick. On Saturday it contained Warm up (15min speed program L6 - max speed 7mi/hr, step - step up, knee lift, lunge with weights 20x, 30 squats with weights, squat-jump over step-squat 20, holding squat position against wall for 40sec. Than I did a Tabata 40:20 that I downloaded. That means 40sec strenous work, 20 sec rest. I did 4 sets each of Up-Downs, Shoulderpresses, Bicepcurls, chestpresses, sit-ups, plank with lifting bum up and down and quick step ups on step.

That all took me about an hour with the cool down. I´m still nowhere near my old strength. For example holding the squat position or planks. I used to be able to hold a plank for ages. Well I will get there again.

So roll on fourties! I´m ready. See, if you can top the thirties!

Have a good week everyone.

XX

Okay, I did it!

I've cancelled my Weight Watcher subscription! I had to find a way, which let me change my ways for good. For quite a few years WW was the way for me to stay in a healthy weight range, although I always wanted to lose this little bit more. Sometimes I got close, but never for long. But in the last year it really backfired. When I decided to live it, I thought of nothing else but food. What will I eat, how many points, saving enough points for the evening munch. Most days I was good in the day, but went beserk in the evening.

So I had to rethink. Stress is one of the main reason's for my binge attacks. And all the measuring, weighing, counting, planing and tracking just added to the stress. I usually left some points to allow the nibbles at night, but more often then not I didn´t stop when I should have, even to the point that I made myself sick. I knew that it´s wrong and it´s going too far, but I just couldn´t reign myself in. So the solution is quite simple: DON'T EVEN START!

So that´s what I´ve been doing for the past week. I had my dinner, sometimes with or without a desert and that was it. Of course that does take willpower as well, but not nearly as much, as stopping myself.

In the day I pretty much eat what I want. That of course doesn´t mean, that I eat pizza all day long, but if I feel like it I have it, without thinking about, how I have to leave something else. In fact I had pizza twice this week and not the skinny ones. I also had muffins, choc, waffles, chips and so on. Although usually my main meals are rather healthy. Years of WW taught me well there.

The one thing I´m doing to lose the pounds is excercise, which means doing something I love! It feels so good that I can push myself again. I did some kind of workout everyday. I got it much easier in that way now too, because I got everything here, including a crosstrainer and a treadmill (oh, my two beauties!!!). I can´t tell you, how chuffed I am with them!

That gives me so much more freedom, because I always had to decide what I get done in the 2.5hrs in the morning, when I´m kid´s free: either I work and do the housework, or I go to the gym, which always left me with some kind of bad concience, hence more stressed! Now I can just put in half an hour or a full one, when it fits the day. I still go to the gym, and I still run outside, but I´ve got the choice.

And now the funny thing. I lost 4lbs in this week. Absolutely stressfree!!! And this doesn´t give me the feeling, like I can go a bit crazy, or like 'rewarding myself' because I really, really don´t deprive myself of anything. And I don´t feel the need at all to kill a box of chocolates tonight.

I am convinced that this is a way of life I can live for good. Just normal!

I don´t set myself a goal weight, or in what time I want to lose a certain amount. I rather got in mind, how I want to look and feel.

And just taking the stess out, really makes me feel very good!

Have a good weekend everyone!

XX

Has it really been that long??????????????

OMG! It really doesn´t feel like it, but the last time I blogged it was summer!

And I just saw that I received an award! Thank you so much, but I really don´t think I deserve it. I haven´t been doing well at all!

I caught up on a few blogs and it´s lovely to read that you´re all still there and going. I had to take a break, because the more I stressed about the food, the binge attacks got worse. At the moment I´m not tracking or counting points. The only thing I´m doing is upping my excercise again.

I was struggling with injuries for the wole year. I finally managed to get rid of the bursitis. The steroid injection didn´t work, but I´ve been seing a sports therapist (my Mr. MagicHands) and it was finally gone. But silly buddy me, didn´t give it enough time and after my first longer run outside I thought it would be a great idea to finish with a sprint....bad, bad, bad idea. Torn fibres in the thigh. Ouch and another 6 weeks recovery. But I like to think that I learned my lesson now and I work on building up the muscles again and listen, when my body says, it´s enough for now.

Even my trainer goes a bit easier on me at the moment, which is so not like him. So New Year resolution: Get old fitness back without making more damage.

It´s the big 4 0 for me this month and my lovely husbands wants to build me my own little gym at the bottom of the garden! How cool is that?? I already ordered a treadmill, a bike/crosstrainer, a step and bought weights, a gym ball and boxing gloves and pads, although he hasn´t even started building yet. It´ll all have to live in the dining room for now. Will hopefully be an inspiration for him to get started soon. :-)

At the moment you see so many weight loss programs on TV. And one big part is always the mental issue. Yesterday evening I sat on the couch and wrote down a few of mine, which I won´t bore you with. But all in all I got a very poor opinion about myself, which I know is not healthy. Even if I want to say something good about myself, it always comes with a big 'BUT'. Blowing my own trumpet just makes me cringe. I know that it is very possible that the reason behind that is, that my parents were not big friends of praising. But it makes sense that the reason behind my evening binge sessions are, that when it´s time to calm down, I just feel like a failure and try to numb that feeling with food.

Result: officially overweight again.

But I´m still not ready to give up. Plan for now: no food after 7pm (started yesterday), lots of excercise and working on my self-esteem.

So every evening now, instead of concentrating on all the things I didn´t manage to do that day, I will write down, what I did manage and what I did well.

Sounds good eh?

Hope you forgive me for making myself so rare. I will be back!

Have a good week
XX