I can´t get no satisfaction

I had to take a bit time off again, because I was all tensed up and panicky again. Going into weightloss mode, does that to me, and it never works out well.

Result being that my scales showed me the horror number of 71.9kg (158lbs/11.3st) last Tuesday. For me that is A LOT! Remembering that I managed to stay around 68kg (150lbs/10.7st) for a long time and managed to go down to 65kg (143lbs/10.2st) to some point, even though it was only for a very short while.

Thinking back, when I started this blog was that I wanted to finish what I started. Medically I didn´t need to lose weight, but there was still a lot of room for improvement. And now I´m in worse state that I started. Is it just me, or is there something wrong with this picture?

Well, I have to take in consideration that I have quite a bit more muscle mass, but still, this wasn´t going to plan.



The first thing after seeing this awful number was putting this up on my goodie cupboard



It doesn´t take rocket science to figure out that my endless intake of sweet stuff sabotages all my good intentions. There wouldn´t be anything wrong with having a daily choc fix, if I could stop with one thing. But it never ever stops there. So 5 out of the last 8 days I didn´t eat any sweet treats at all. Everýtime I was tempted I was singing 'I can´t get no satisfaction' in my head, knowing that one would lead to more and more. And so stepping on the scale yesterday showed me the much friendlier number of 69.8kg (154lbs/10.10st). I´m pretty sure that also has something to do with water retention (TOM), because 4lbs less is a bit much.

So The Rolling Stones are my personal anthem now.

Oh, has anybody seen Biggest Loser yesterday (for the Americans, we´re always one season behind). They went to Texas to run a 5k with the people from that town. And one contestant ran the 5k in 21 minutes. 21 MINUTES!!!! I mean WHAT??????? That is an average speed of 8.75ml/hr. That is a bloody sprint for me! Honestly, I´m stuggling to hold that speed for a minute.

I ran 10k on my treadmill yesterday and my average speed was 5.1. Don´t get me wrong, I´m still quite proud of that, but....

After the last training session our trainer told us, that we really challenge him to challenge us and when he´s training his PT´s in the gym, a lot of them would struggle to do the things we have to do. After seeing this, I think he was just being polite or those PT´s are all a disgrace.

Thinking about it, showing somebody a move perfectly is not that hard, if you only have to do it once. Would it still look that beautiful after 40reps? I trained one of the mom´s from school, who´s been doing WW for years and years and as long as I know her, which is a few years now, there´s not a real difference. She hardly works out, so I offered her to show her some stuff. Wow, she was so unfit. She couldn´t even do a lunge. When I asked her to sprint, it was more a very fast walk. Anyway, of course it looked impressive, when I showed her the moves, but I only showed her.

When the weather is nice, I train in my garden now. I don´t care, what the neighbours think. When I´m doing my strength work it´s nice to have a bit more room than in my dining room. Hubby really has to start building the gym!!!!

Oh, and I´m so hooked on the horse riding again. I´ve got a lesson a week and everytime it´s getting a little bit better. I still haven´t found a horse to excercise, but the instructor asked around as well (how nice is that??) and there´s a good chance that there will be opportunities after the summer. My niece will teach me on one of their horses as well.

I might have to sacrifice my PT sessions, though, for the money. My trainer pissed me off anyway. It´s always last minute now and mainly on the weekends. When he asked last time for a session on Sunday, I told him that it would depend on the time, because I have to have time for family things. I got a text back saying: Get fat then!
I was furious! I know, he might think it´s funny, but I couldn´t laugh. Apart from the fact that in that week I had worked out 5 times already (as normal), it´s just out of order. So for now, I´m not in the mood to speak to him at all and even less in the mood to pay him.

That´s it from me for now.

This will be another sweet free day as most days in the week. Weekends are a bit different, but it worked last week, so I hope that it will again this week.

Love

Petra
XX

Weekend catch-up

I´m happy to say that I feel a bit better. I just have to accept at the moment that concentrating too much on weight loss will only backfire on me. So I will just chill. I will try to eat as healthy as possible and concentrate on the responsibilities that are simply there. Neglecting them will just add to the stress and lead into overeating. The more up to date I am with my work the more relaxed I am, the less I feel the need to binge.

Yesterday morning I concentrated on my housework and my jobs and went training in the evening. My friend and I did a Tabata class again. It was the normal trainer, who is the fitness manager of the gym. My god, he´s a tough cookie. A right Mr. Shouty! It was a fantastic workout and again I was happy to see that I´m able to keep up with girls half my age.

Although on Friday I felt so unfit. I did my first group horse riding lesson. The only free place they have is in the children´s group. Apart from me there was only one more lady, the rest were about 11! :-)

The instructor is very outspoken and doesn´t hold back, if you´re rubbish. Not even with the kids. At the end of it he said that it´s clear that my riding ability is not where it was, when I used to ride regularly and that it will take quite a while to built my riders strength up again. All this exercise, but horse riding acquires so much core strength. I can to plancks and sit-ups, but keeping your core tight constantly is a complete different matter. I will need to find a horse to ride, so I can speed the process up.

On Saturday we had our work do in Birmingham. This is how I looked like. I was actually quite happy with that.





We had a fab time, although it didn´t start too well. My friend Lisa and I decided to take the train into Birmingham, so we could have a glass of wine (yeah right).
Our husbands drove us to the train station, where we stood shivering on the platform, when a very cheerful lady announced through the loudspeaker, that our train got cancelled. ........... Eh, what??????

So I called Jock again, to drive us to the football ground, while Lisa called people from work, if there was still space in the taxis. Fortunately our boss offered to pick us up. Great offer, so we didn´t have to pay for a taxi.

We went to Jimmy Spice. A great place. All buffet style with food from India, Thailand, China and Italy. The food was gorgeous and no need to say that of course it did not end with one glass of wine. In fact we didn´t even bother ordering glasses of wine, we opted for the bottles.So decided not to take the train back, but stay and enjoy ourselves. She´s the same as me and desperately in the need of some fun. So when we had to leave the restaurant at 9pm, we made sure that the under aged all got picked up safely and then followed the youngsters into a club. Thank god the club we went to had a good mixture of ages, so we didn´t feel out of place.

After some time we separated from the young folk and went our own way. We had a right giggle. But then we reached the point, when it was clear that it´s time to go home. I knew the next morning would be torture, because not only would we lose an hour, but it also was my daughter´s horse riding lesson.

And it really was! OMG! No need to say, I was rather dizzy. Thank god, I didn´t feel sick. Hubby and son had to come with us, because having only slept for 4 hours, I was in no state to drive. Long story short, I made it through this long hour of walking and jogging next to the pony. But that was all I managed that day.

But it was worth it. To think about the last time I had such a night out, I have to think far back.

And it´s got another good thing. I´m still off wine.

Today I spent almost all day in front of the computer. I finished all my customer service valuation reports. YEY! Another shit job out of the way. So I´m actually looking forward to a PT session tonight.

On the food side, Sunday was a typical hangover-give-me-carbs-day. Yesterday and today were OK. I´m not tracking, I just try to make sensible choices and don´t let a treat turn into a binge. So far so good.

I would be happy, if I managed to lose 100grams a week, the ways things are going.

Have a lovely week everyone

XX

Life´s getting the better of me

Thank you again for your lovely support. I think your both right. WW is just not the right thing for me at the moment.

Every time I attempted it in the last year, I let it take over my life. I go into it, telling myself to stay relaxed, because I know, what happens, when I start stressing. But what happened every time? I started stressing. My life went completely out of balance.

Counting points and excercising takes up such a huge part of my day, that my other responsibilies get pushed to the side.

And being very honest to myself, I have to admit that I am stressed, because I put too many things on the backburner. And they just keep building up and building up.

In danger of boring you to death and getting a few 'You think that is a lot???'s I will talk you through my usual week. I know, my biggest problem is the lack of organisation. So doing this, might help working on a better time management.

As you know, I´ve got two kids under 7, so I usually get up at 6.30 and have breakfast with the kids, getting them ready, and if I´m good I manage to tidy the kitchen up, before we leave the house. Coming back I got about 2.5hrs, before I have to go back to pick my daughter up from nursery again.

First thing I always have to do is check emails and work phone, in case one of the companies I translate for needs anything done. This actually goes all through the day, that I regulary have to check, who wants what and have to make phonecalls to customers or translate. I usually work out about 5 days a week. So that takes up a bit over an hour, with counting the time for shower and getting dressed again. No need to say that in a household of 4 there´s always washing and ironing to do in addition to other chores. So no chance on earth can I cramp all this into this 2.5 hours. There´s always, always something waiting to be done. Workout obviously has to take a back burner, when the pile is just too high, which stresses me out in two ways, because I excercising beats stress, and if I want to lose weight, I need to excercise.

Coming back from nursery with my daughter we have about 3 hours before we have to go out to fetch my son, unless it´s Monday, because she´s got swimming at 2 then. Obviously we´ll have lunch, after she got changed. With preparing and tidying up after, that takes about an hour. And honestly I like to sit for a bit after with a cup of coffee.

Of course it wouldn´t be right to just put my daughter in front of the telly for the the remaining 1.5hrs to catch up with the other chores, because to this point the rest of the house is pretty much still a bombsite. So of course I have to make time to have a game of snakes and ladders or push her on the swing or whatever. And of course I have to check phone and emails again to see, if there´s work to be done. Most days my daughter hears: 'Mommy has to make a phonecall. Be very, very quiet, please!' Or she has to deal with a slightly stressed mother, because doing a translation, with your daughter constantly going: 'Mommy look....' is not that easy.

You can imagine at 3.45pm, when we come home from school most of the time the house is still a bombsite, but usually the washing is ready to go in (very often still lies there 2 days later, piling up to be put away, not to mention the ironing).

Of course there are play dates, which either mean the bombsite is still waiting to be cleared or is even getting worse, if it´s in our house. Thursday nights my son´s got swimming and so on and so on.

Then it´s time for dinner, getting the kids ready for bed and clearing the kitchen. By then it´s about 8 o'clock.

Saturdays are usually taking from the football. Either I have to work at it, or hubby goes to watch it. That makes Sunday our only family day, so I´m not spending it all day catching up on housework.

Next week I have to find another 3 hours, because I agreed to write customer service valuation reports for the Mystery Shopping company in addition to my agreement to go on a farm trip with the nursery on Wednesday from which we will be back ant 3pm.

That is my week without doing WW. I don´t know, how it is with you, but when I´m tracking, it takes up quite a bit of time, because somehow I also get distracted, looking around on the WW webpage, then reading blogs, writing it etc. Then you just 'quickly' want to check the points value of something.

All this results in more of my 'normal' responsibilites building up, which of course makes me very tense and once I finally place my backside on the settee results in sabotaging my weightloss, because I just want to numb the thoughts about all the things I haven´t done, not to mention that I´m just freakin' exhausted.

It also effects other parts of my life. Last night I dreamed that my husband left me, because of the lack of sex (sorry, if this might be too much information, but even that becomes one thing on the list, still to be done).

Tonight I´ll actually have a night out. We have a staff meal in Birmingham with the Albions. That is a first for me since I´ve worked there. My friend and I will take the train, because we want to have a glass of wine. It won´t be a very late one, because the last train goes back at 11.20. Being a supervisor you also don´t want to drink too much, because you definitely don´t want too act silly. I would really like to go for a drink in our town after we got back, but we´ll lose an hour tonight anyway, and my daughter´s got a horse riding lesson in the morning, followed straight away by a school organized picnic at 11am.

But I´d like to look good tomorrow. Plan was to be about 6lbs lighter by now, instead of only 1, but nothing I can do about it now. But I had a haircut! And I actually had a change. Look (that´s me trying to look fierce)






I´ve got a fringe!!!!!

Will take a picture before I go out tonight. Hopefully I´ll look as good as I hope to.

I´m sorry for this mega post, which might also be mega boring, but if I ever want to be successful, I´ll have to find a way to organize myself better that I don´t end everyday with just feeling washed out.

That´s why my weightloss actually has to wait till September, when my daughter goes to school. And I will be so selfish not to fill the time up with more work straight away. A decent holiday will have to wait another year (maybe half). Until then I will just try to be as good as I can right this moment. And if I´m lucky and I sort my head out a bit, I might even be able to lose a bit till then.

Have a good weekend everyone

XX

I could scream

I was doing OK. Not perfect of course, but I wasn´t aiming for perfection, because I had to learn that I can´t do perfect, but I managed to lose. I tracked for over a week and I felt so much better in myself. But then everything went absolutely pear shaped again. And it still is. I´ve eaten everything in sight and just couldn´t make myself stop, with yesterday being the worst. Usually it only happens at night, but yesterday it happened all day with ending in the worst binge since a very long time in the evening.

And worst of all, I don´t have a scooby do, why. If there are any underlying psychologigal problems or unusual stress, I´m not aware of them. Everything I can say is that I just wanted to, being totally aware how awful it would make me feel afterwards.

I´m not doing it in secret, I binged openly in front of hubby, who ate quite a bit himself, but nowhere near as much as me. I´m sure he did notice, but he didn´t comment on it. In my head I was screaming: 'Can´t you see, what I´m doing to myself here?' But what, if he had said anything? Would that have made me stop? Maybe it was a cry for help. Maybe, like my kids, I´m looking for boundaries. How childish it may sound, but I do rebel against being restricted to a certain amount of points. For a very strange reason, I even see the possibility that sticking to my point allowance would mean eating too little. That might come from a comment of my trainer, who said that WW might not be suitable for me, because I excercise so much. But so many of you do just as much as me, and still stick to their points and are of course successful. It only means that we don´t have to be quite so strict. But there it is again. Where is the boundary?

The first week I got away with eating all of my weekly points and some of my activities. So week two I started of the same way. And when I went on the scales on Friday, 3 days after my official WI day (I know, I know) I already gained. I tracked those 3 days and thought that would be enough, but I had to realize that that was not good enough. But of course I was pretty down and it was weekend, and....

Now, six days on, I feel very uncomfortable in myself. The gain is visible and I feel bloated and blobby.

The sad thing (well one of them) is, I just started to feel good about myself again. I already could feel and see the changes in my body. In my mind I could already see myself with a flat belly, really doing it this time.

Now I just feel pathetic again. I don´t want to feel like this. I know, I´m not alone with these struggles. I just have to believe that my time will come. The time, when I won´t go 1 step forward and 2 steps back. It should at least be 2 steps forward and only 1 back. I´ve already come to terms that it´s never gonna be a straight forward thing for me.

But I don´t just want to whine, because there were a few good things as well. We had a group training session on Sunday. We were out in the nature and it was just running up stairs and hills, and I did pretty good again. My friend only calls me the machine again. So I´m still strong in that respect, although I still feel my calves. On Monday I met up with my friend for a run. Again we did about 55 minutes. Not only did I get a nosebleed in between, I also felt my bursa again after. So I gave it a break for the past 2 days.

Plan is to go back on plan tomorrow. Failure is not to fall, but to stay down. Where did I hear that again?

I realized now, that doing lots of excercise makes only the one Kitkat or the one glass of wine OK. Not the box of French Fancies or the bottle of wine (or both and more in my case).

Tomorrow is another day....

Week 1 WI (Part XXXVIII)

You won´t believe, what I´ll tell you now. Honestly, I can hardly believe it myself. I TRACKED FOR A COMPLETE WEEK! Amazing, I know.

Okay, I wasn´t saintlike. In fact I used all my weeklies plus 13 of my 43 activity points. BUT I still lost 0.8kg, which is almost 2 lbs. Not bad, ey?

So am I going on? Hell yeah!

What other things were good this week? After the vino soaked Saturday, I had a really good Sunday. Not only did I not go down Carbs Hell, I actually had a full day with no sweets AT ALL. Yes you heard right. No choc, no cake, no crisps, no nothing. Who would have thought that possible?? And not enough, I did do some serious sweating. Although I didn´t do any strength, I went on my lovely treadmill and ran (pause for dramatic effect) 10k!!!! Okay, it took me 75min, but I´m still happy. Not too many weeks back, I could barely do 2 miles.

I also bought myself 2 Jillian Michaels DVD´s. I did the 30day Shred yesterday. I started with Level 1, and had a few moments, where I really worked hard. I mean starting with doing stupid amounts of push-ups... phew. I enjoyed it, but I´m not aching, and I like to feel a little bit of ache the day after I did strength work. So I will try Level 2 tomorrow. I had a look at it. I´m sure it´ll make my muscles scream (Oh god, how insane does that sound).

Today I met up with my friend again and we had a lovely run again. Loved it. My friend´s still struggling quite a lot, but she´ll get there in no time. She´s been excercising regularly anyway, doing Body Combat, Step etc. We did 55min today and she only had to walk shortly for 3 times. She just started running again, so that´s fantastic. And she triggered another great experience: she said: 'It looks so effordles, when you´re running', and asked me, if it really was. And I could only answer: "In this pace it is." And again I realized, how far I´ve come. What beautiful feeling.

I don´t know how long it will last, but at the moment I can imagine myself as this person, who´s strength is for everyone to see. At the moment I´m not scared to put my goal high. At the moment I´m not afraid to aim for my body to reflect the hard work. At the moment, 'okay' is not enough.

I know that from time to time I will break out again, because of the impulsive person that I am, but I hope that the break-outs will be rare and short.

Have a good week everyone

In bed with Petra

It´s Sunday morning 10am and I´m still in bed and on my 3rd (or 4th, but who´s counting) cup of coffee. My head feels a little bit tender after a bit too much vino yesterday.

After yesterday I have about 6 weekly points left, and there are still 5 days to go. But we had a lovely day yesterday. We went to friends in the day, because Jock was bricking up a window for them. The men were working, the kids were playing, we women were chatting and taking the kids for a lovely walk.

When the work was done, we decided to go to ours and order a curry. After dinner the kids were in their pj´s, watching telly in our bed and we grown ups were playing cards and drinking wine.

As expected the food intake throughout the day was far from optimum with having pizza for lunch, a French Fancy and some sweets in between (okay there was also fruit) and a big fat curry with rice and keema naan for dinner, followed by some to-die-for chocolate cake, our friends brought for dessert.

But I don´t feel the least bit guilty. I thoroughly enjoyed yesterday.

And I´m not digging into a big fry-up today, but started with some lovely porridge and a big platter of fresh fruit, which I nibble on (God, I´m so happy that you don´t have to point them anymore). The left over curry from yesterday is all hubby´s, the chocolate cake for hubby and kids and of course I know, what I have to do. Some serious sweating that is. Some serious, serious sweating. So I will put on my trainers and plug in the treadmill. Surprisingly the only things that are aching after the last PT session are my calves, so there will be a fair amount of squats and lunges as well, along with press-ups and weight training.

Will hopefully kill my headache as well.....

eye opener

First of all, I can´t not mention this horrible force of nature in Japan. All these people.... It shows you how powerless we are, when nature decides to give us an example of her power. My thoughts are definitely with all those people.

So now, how do I make the connection to the wonderful experience I had yesterday? Suppose there is none, but I have to tell you, because I´m still on a high.

Yesterday evening I went for my PT session. Since my PT started his new job as a fitness manager in another gym, it´s very hard to find matching times so I have quite big breaks inbetween. He only kept a handful of his clients (the good ones, as he calls it), so we sometimes do group sessions, which I really like, because you suffer together and you can even have a giggle.

Yesterday it was two of us. The other one being a young, fit male in his mid twenties. Thinking that at the beginning of the year, after being injured, I had to start pretty much from scratch again. But I didn´t give in and worked very hard to get my strength back and that mostly by myself.

And yesterday I saw that all this hard work and sweat does really show results. Not even was I mostly able to keep up with this 15 years younger, fit male, there were even quite a few things, when it was me, who had to do more reps. He even felt sick to some point. After tons of leg work we finished off with holding a squat position against the wall with a kettle ball in our hands. I tried that (without a kettleball), when I just started training again, and I could hardly hold it. Yesterday I was more than fine. Not even could I have gone on (it was only for 30 sec), but I had to cheer on this lad, whose legs were violently shaking. If he´d stopped, the trainer would have let us start new again.

And then it was time to hit the scale. I really didn´t want that, because I knew I hadn´t lost a lot of weight. But these scales show much more than just you weight. So I could see, that since the first WI this year I haven´t just lost 2.5kg, but I also lost a huge 4% of body fat. Unfortunately I didn´t keep the slip from the first WI, with all the numbers on it, but I do have the one from the 30th of January and in this time, although I only lost .4kg, my body fat went down 3%, which means 2.2kg pure fat and I also put on 1.8kg of lean muscle. The weight would have been lower as well, if I didn´t have 1.3kg of extra water in my body.

So even, when I haven´t lost stupid amounts of weight, I still did lots of good things to my body.

Our trainer was well pleased with that session. He said that that was the hardest he pushed us in a long time and added that he had the right two people for it.

I can´t tell you, how proud I am. This gave me such a buzz!

And to top it all off, the evening was not a typical Friday night. We did have some wine (hey come on, it is Friday after all) but I had only two small glasses. And after our healthy(ish) (goulasch with just a little lean beef and lots of veg with a small portion of Good for You chips) I didn´t dug into sweety cupboard, but enjoyed the lovely sweet taste of those beautiful grapes.

Another good surprise was, that I was wrong, when I thought I only had 4 PP left. I still went over my dailys, but nowhere near disasterous as it could have been.

Today won´t be overly good either, because we´ll go to friends and have pizza, but I´m not stressing over it. I´m officially under a 25 BMI again and I´ll keep on working.

So all in all, reality check or what? Unbelievable that not long ago, I thought that I was a failure. No, I´m not!!! In fact I´m doing pretty amazing!

Have a lovely weekend (again)